My sister just killed herself today

[musicandmath111]

It was in the morning when our mother went into her room to say good morning or at least see what was going on. After seeing what she's done to herself, she completely fell apart emotionally and immediately called me and our dad to come. We saw that she hung herself, and given how purple her body was, she must have killed herself several hours before we came in. It must have been sometime during the night. We called the cops shortly after. She was 18, I was her older brother.

At first glance, the whole family was devastated, but I was the exception. I thought something was wrong with me for not having cried a single tear during the whole intervention. I thought to have confirmed what I already believed about myself, that was some kind of sociopath.

But now I can definitely feel the aftermath. My mind still struggles to process what just happened today. My heart is beating non-stop, I'm hyperventilating and I feel constantly dizzy. Seeing her hanging dead hit me hard. And I feel like that's just the beginning of what I'll be going through internally. What should I do?

Edited 3 hours ago by musicandmath111

[Salvijus]

17 minutes ago, musicandmath111 said:

What should I do?

Just breathe, that's enough. 

Prayers to you and your the family 🕯️💐 🕊️ 

Edited 2 hours ago by Salvijus

[Someone here]

Very bad news. Sorry for your loss man. I hope you find peace in your heart and I hope she is in a better place now. But if you don't mind can you provide more context..details ..backstory? 

About you not shedding a tear.. Don't judge yourself. Sometimes you truly get shocked it's so shocking that your response is total silence. That was my response when my sister's husband was diagnosed with cancer . I was just dumbfounded .no reaction. But I felt depressed inside and I'm basically still depressed until today even though he is not my brother or anything...he's just my sister's spouse. 

Why did she kill herself? 

Edited 2 hours ago by Someone here

[Beans]

I am so sorry. 
Take your time to mourn. There are no words to describe the feelings that you’re going through, but please remember to give yourself and your family grace. 
May she rest in peace 🫂🖤

[musicandmath111]

3 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Why did she kill herself? 

She wrote a letter for us to read. I repeat from memory what she wrote, it's not exact.

"I know you guys think I am goofy and happy, but deep down I felt so incredibly uncomfortable being me. My whole life is just a performance."

She went on explaining in her letter that she had felt suicidal already for one and a half years, something that our family knew nothing about the entire time.

She has had a strong friendship with another girl in school who constantly felt suicidal.

and about the performance part, she started a career in singing when she was 10. She really hated it. She quitted her career around the Covid pandemic.

and she also quitted with school a year ago, it was during her last grade, with the letter explaining "I wanted to enjoy my last months alive", meaning her quitting school had already something to do with her planning her suicide, again we knew nothing about it.

[Elliott]

So sorry

There's nothing you need to do, be easy on yourself

[musicandmath111]

from the time she quitted school, she was inside her room day in and day out. She was not looking forward for getting a job. She was sleeping during the day and awake during the night, for the most part, and I could notice her demeanor getting increasingly less polite. She might have had depression, she might have felt like she had no future. Nobody can know for sure.

[Salvijus]

Even I had a tear while meditating on this. 

This guy could really help you understand the afterlife and reconnect you with your sister in a profound way that would bring a lot of healing. 

🙏🙏🙏

[Someone here]

1 hour ago, musicandmath111 said:

from the time she quitted school, she was inside her room day in and day out. She was not looking forward for getting a job. She was sleeping during the day and awake during the night, for the most part, and I could notice her demeanor getting increasingly less polite. She might have had depression, she might have felt like she had no future. Nobody can know for sure.

@musicandmath111 these are signs .I'm not gonna start "why you guys didn't help her before it spirals out of control " because what has happened has happened and there is no point saying what if . Staying alone in your room or extended isolation in itself can trigger depression and suicidal thoughts.  Every once in a while you should walk around the neighbourhood with headphones or something. Also having a pet or something. 

 

1 hour ago, musicandmath111 said:

I know you guys think I am goofy and happy, but deep down I felt so incredibly uncomfortable being me. My whole life is just a performance."

Very heartbreaking. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Someone here

[Sincerity]

Holy shit man! I am sorry 

2 hours ago, musicandmath111 said:

What should I do?

I'd suggest you open yourself up to grief, observe it, let yourself process it. Many different feelings will inevitably come up. And it'll most surely take a long time to process. Give yourself time and understanding.

2 hours ago, musicandmath111 said:

At first glance, the whole family was devastated, but I was the exception. I thought something was wrong with me for not having cried a single tear during the whole intervention. I thought to have confirmed what I already believed about myself, that was some kind of sociopath.

But now I can definitely feel the aftermath. 

This is not uncommon. I had pretty similar cases when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, or when my close grandma died. I thought something was wrong with me because I had little reactions and sadness to these things. But emotions can come up with a delay.

Wishing you health and fortitude, man.