She can open up, I cant

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Jannes definitely go inwards and try to feel what is going on. 

Another factor is that avoidant attachment style will often act to devalue their partner as a way to justify the avoidant behaviour. Typically it is characterised by needing their partner to be perfect. The mechanism fears romantic partnership due to feeling like their self is being lost. 

Not saying that's you, but it could be contributing to the fear. 

I have found that feelings don't make sense always, and intellectualizing them can be my own cope. Like I need to justify how I feel. Madness hehe 

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

@Jannes

Hey, absolutely no judgment whatsoever, but I am quite interested in asking you this.

I sometimes have a difficult time understanding people who have a connection with someone, and it completely dissolves or disappears as they 'lose their looks.' Could you explain how you feel or think about this? Is it like... the way they look now shows something else? A different persona, or archetype, you don't feel pulled towards? How do you expect to manage it as you get older together if you have a long-term partner?

Just really curious! I completely understand not being attracted to someone at first and having a more difficult bias, but once a connection is established, it seems a bit weird.

With this girl I havent really built a connection or anything, we didnt date, we just flirted pretty stongly. So this is not really an example of loosing a connection with someone because of looks because I never committed to a connection to begin with. 

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Jannes definitely go inwards and try to feel what is going on. 

Another factor is that avoidant attachment style will often act to devalue their partner as a way to justify the avoidant behaviour. Typically it is characterised by needing their partner to be perfect. The mechanism fears romantic partnership due to feeling like their self is being lost. 

Not saying that's you, but it could be contributing to the fear. 

I have found that feelings don't make sense always, and intellectualizing them can be my own cope. Like I need to justify how I feel. Madness hehe 

Thats a good point! 

But that seems to make it even more complicated aaah 

[Jannes]

I asked her for a private talk on wednesday and she kind of avoided it. Same thing today. But she offered a walk next week. 

Almost feels like she wants to shake me off now, or she wants to check if I am serious. 

Edited October 17 by Jannes

[Deziree]

I’ve been in a really similar spot. I connect with people slowly too, especially when someone’s super open and emotionally expressive, it can feel like being hit by a wave.

Honestly, you’re doing the right thing just by noticing this pattern instead of ghosting or shutting down completely. The key thing I’ve learned is to be upfront about your pace. You don’t have to match her openness, just let her know that you tend to open up more gradually. That way, she doesn’t misread your need for space as lack of interest.

Also, don’t beat yourself up for protecting your space. Emotional speed differences are totally normal. The goal isn’t to “fix” it, but to find a rhythm that keeps both people regulated and genuine.

And for what it’s worth, if she already knows some things about you through friends, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes that pre-knowledge can make her more empathetic, not judgmental.

So yeah, take it slow, communicate honestly, and don’t force yourself to go faster than your nervous system allows. Openness that’s gradual but real usually goes way further than trying to keep up with someone else’s pace. Try being patient when it's really needed.

[Jannes]

On 17.10.2025 at 0:34 PM, Deziree said:

And for what it’s worth, if she already knows some things about you through friends, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes that pre-knowledge can make her more empathetic, not judgmental.

So yeah, take it slow, communicate honestly, and don’t force yourself to go faster than your nervous system allows. Openness that’s gradual but real usually goes way further than trying to keep up with someone else’s pace. Try being patient when it's really needed.

There are two things which I dont like about it.

One is that it feels like she kind of has strong ideas and concepts about me which arent the real thing. It kind of felt like she interacted with an idea of me she had in her mind instead of the real me. 

The other thing is that it kind of creates a power inbalance. If she already has me "figured out" so to say and knows what the right buttons are. Its all about me, I dont really know her though. I only got fluff from her. She has never shown her teeth, any insecurities, nothing. She also seems to be way ahead in terms of social skills, relationship maturity etc. so that creates an even bigger gap. 

 

Her interest seemed real though despite me overfeeling slight inauthenticities because of adhd. Will see what this talk will bring about. 

Edited October 18 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I am not even sure if she wanted a relationship or just a short emotionally charged short time thing. Just because its emotional doesnt mean its long term. My short term experiences were always pretty straight forward and meaty, I am just lacking experience in this realm. 

[Jannes]

On 17.10.2025 at 2:43 AM, Jannes said:

I asked her for a private talk on wednesday and she kind of avoided it. Same thing today. But she offered a walk next week. 

Almost feels like she wants to shake me off now, or she wants to check if I am serious. 

So I asked her how her weekend was and not directly when we wanted to talk to give her the chance to ask. 

So she replied and offered to talk on wednesday at a spot. Then 3 hours later she wrote that she forgot she had karaoke with a friend but maybe we find time. I guessed that she wanted to avoid the talk and said that its no problem, we can talk another time I would be at another spot then. So today I saw her again, greeted her and she made it really obvious that she didnt want to see me. She stood up very slowly and was very unenthusiastic in her voice and immediately sat back down without talking or giving me any attention. It was so weird. I was a bit hurt and seemed to seem sad on the surface. So later she said that I looked said and if I wanted to talk but suggested that I maybe wouldnt want to, doing a complete switcheroo. That was a very short interaction and then she left at some point without saying goodbye. 

So nothing was ever talked about.

[Jannes]

40 minutes ago, Jannes said:

So I did see her again and was ready to be a lot more distant towards her after what happened last time. She came to me though and went for a hug. Then she asked me if I wasnt sad anymore like last time. This seems like such an unconscious way of taking control of the dynamic. First she was at fault for me feeling sad last time as she was deliberately unsympathetic towards me. Second I made her a gift in not hiding my sadness because of it. I could have hid it but I consciously choose to be open about it, cause that would be the conscious thing to do. And then she took that as an opening to take control of the dynamic last time and even brings it up again, when she could have just avoided it. I dont see how this dynamic can become healthy, it just seems like she already revealed too much of how she plays. 

I was a bit more distant afterwards but she still went for a goodbye hug being super nice and stuff. I am a bit confused about it all. 

[Yimpa]

@Jannes Don’t waste time on losers. 

You are a winner