Between Love and Terror: Lessons from Ayahuasca & Bufo

[Ivan Dimi]

My First Experience with Ayahuasca & Bufo Alvarius / One of the most intense, terrifying, and eye-opening experiences of my life

Some months ago, I tried psychedelics for the very first time: Ayahuasca and Bufo Alvarius. Two substances, two ceremonies, two completely different realities. There was honestly zero similarity between them—like comparing Earth and another dimension. And yet, both opened something deep in me.

Ayahuasca — The High-Tech Healing Lab of Consciousness

We began with Ayahuasca at night. It came on slowly—almost nothing at first. But when it hit, it hit hard. I found myself in what felt like a futuristic healing lab in a higher dimension. I wasn’t alone—beings, or higher intelligences, were working on me. Numbers moved in patterns, like they were cracking some code in my consciousness. Oddly, I felt safe—like I was in good hands. That part was powerful, almost beautiful.

Then came the purging—a lot of vomiting. My body was cleansing deeply, but my psyche remained intact. In the second session, it went deeper—more emotional, more heart-centered. I saw a timeline of my family tree stretching back generations. And the only word I could say, again and again, was: “Love. Love. Love.” It wasn’t mental or cliché—it came from forgiveness and flowed into pure love. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

But the room was packed—over 20 people, body to body. And the energy of the girl next to me overwhelmed me. Her pain entered me. That part was rough and taught me: I need more space and safety in ceremonies like this.

Still, Ayahuasca gave me something deeply healing. I know I’ll return.
 

Bufo Alvarius — The Atomic Bomb of the Soul

And then came Bufo. Wow. I expected it to be different—but thought it might still resemble Ayahuasca. It didn’t. Not at all.

I smoked deeply—twice. And the moment it hit, it was like a nuclear blast in my consciousness. It started with beauty… then turned into the most terrifying, overwhelming experience of my life. My self, my beliefs, my ego—gone. My consciousness felt like an onion being violently peeled. My ego panicked. I knew: “I’m dying.”

The fear hit like a tsunami. I doubted everything—even the shaman. I thought, “Is this even safe / wtf am I doing here?” Full-on ego death terror. The medicine demanded total surrender. Not partial—everything. Even my breath. And that was the one thing I couldn’t let go of. So I got stuck—between worlds. Not dead, not alive. Just fear.

Somehow the trip went in my mind slowly over and I was going back. On the way back, a moment of clarity broke through: The root of suffering is resistance. Not fear itself, but our refusal to allow what is. Our judgment—this is good, this is bad, I want this, I don’t want that—that’s what creates hell. When I stopped resisting, even slightly, everything softened. I saw how everything—positive, negative—is just experience. When you let go of judgment, everything becomes light. A spiral of energy moved through me. Something would happen—and I’d let go. Again and again. It was so simple: Don’t resist. Don’t judge. Nothing. And then… peace.

Conclusion

I will definitely return to Ayahuasca one day. It’s a deep, loving teacher.

Bufo Alvarius? I’m not sure. Maybe one day, far in the future. It was too intense. Too violent... To radical... But also… the most profound thing I’ve ever experienced... I didn’t dissolve into “God” or say “I am One.” But I know now: When we die, we dissolve into infinity. 

Before the Bufo ceremony, the shaman told us something that stuck deeply in my heart: “The depth of your trip depends on how much love you are ready to receive.” Incredible words. And after the experience, I realized something painful and honest: At that moment, I wasn’t fully ready to surrender into that infinite love. But maybe one day, I will be.