Witness The Unthinkable

[ivankiss]

Moving on has become less strange. What had to be left behind is slowly but surely fading away. Like a dying star. Once reality - now a memory. And not even that. 

I still wake up and fall asleep thinking about her. She's still wandering in my mind. I still don't know the truth. I still don't have the answers. I spent two years with this woman and now nearly six months away from her... And I still have no fucking clue who she is. I don't think she knows it either. Such is deceit. 

It's been a wild journey, to say the least. These last couple of months have been filled with all kinds of challenges, traps, tests. 

My new life in Amsterdam is a dream, a nightmare. Organized chaos. Heaven and hell. A story filled with horror and delight. I've burned all my bridges. There is no going back from here, and it's no accident, really. I've chosen this path, consciously, deliberately and on purpose, and I would choose it all over again, a million more times. Nothing else seems worthwhile, or even worthy of consideration. This is what's meant for me. This is my will. This is my fate. 

And there's no one else here but me. 

Not a single familiar face or voice. Not a single known thing or being. Pure, unknown wilderness. Raw and untested. Uncharted territory. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. On all levels of being. 

I stopped counting the breakthroughs, level ups, upgrades and updates. Awakenings and transformations. At this point, the expansion is pretty much continuous, uninterrupted. 

Does this mean life is all rainbows and butterflies? Of course not. I said there was growth and expansion. Which means there is pain, fear and struggle as well. How else could it be... 

I got rid of the Polish ex gang leader, at least for a week. He's gone to some other place. Might not ever see him again. I kind of hope I won't. We did become good friends in these past couple of weeks, and we helped each other out quite a bit... However, it's clear as day to me that I must keep my distance. We are coming from two different worlds, and I know how that story usually ends. 

All in all, all is well. 

I am determined to face and overcome any and all obstacles of delusion, and I welcome all trials and tribulations with an open heart. I am armed, guarded and protected. I've got big guns behind me. God is on my side. I feel it, I know it. 

Commitment. Devotion. Passion. Love. 

I am on track and I know I am heading towards victory and glory. The ultimate wish fulfilment. The dream come true.

Whatever and whoever tried to stop me, failed miserably. I have simply become too powerful. Too focused. Unshakable. Immovable. Immutable. 

Nothing can ever stop me now. Yet being stopped before getting a chance to taste the fruit made of all this blood, sweat and tears... is what I fear the most. 

 

 

Edited May 9 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Party in the building. No shortage of hotties. But, I'm not really feeling like it. I'm too introverted nowadays. Speculating, strategizing, calculating. 

I don't want to waste time on game and party. Not now. 

 

 

[ivankiss]

If she reaches for my dick though, I won't say no... 

[ivankiss]

To the nearest coffeeshop. 

 

I am absolutely for sure smoking too much weed these days and there's nothing I can do about it. 

[ivankiss]

Anger. Divine hatred. Fire. Fuel. 

A thousand stab wounds across my back. And still I stand tall. And still I bow to no man, no God. 

I can't forgive. Not yet. No one would learn anything that way. Not by me forgiving them so easily. 

This is what you get when you fuck with purity, innocence and love. 

 

Hell.

And it's coming for you. 

 

Edited May 9 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Make no mistakes. I seek no revenge. I am not thirsty for your blood. I only seek to claim back the power that's mine. 

 

 

 

[ivankiss]

Absolutely, I have no enemies. 

Potentially, anyone is my enemy. 

 

 

 

... especially you. 

[ivankiss]

Faceless One!
Avenge my torment
Materialise my utmost Will
Beyond all legends and myths
Thou art the emmissary ov the beast
Thwart the realm above
Spawning might below

Come All in One
Resurrected
Stronger than death Thou hast become
Revert my death
Hail to my return
Tis time to reign as a god among man

[ivankiss]

Six strings on a guitar and I only need one to choke you.

[ivankiss]

Jk

Don't land on your own sword now. It's too soon. Let it play out a bit. I promise it will be fun. 

Back to earth... 

My heart is still kind of broken, obviously. My dick is hard, frequently. My bank account could be in a better place. Creatively, I'm in a pitstop. 

Yes it's nonlinear and yes there is an order to all this and I cannot skip ahead, or fast forward. I must stay present with the unfolding, even though it's tempting to entertain thoughts about future winnings or past losses. 

I know what's coming. I'm clairvoyant every other Tuesday. And that's both good and bad, as everything else is. But the meat and potato is always carefully placed in the dead center of here and now. That is where I must be. Where I am bound to be. No matter how mundane, boring or insignificant it may seem. 

 

[ivankiss]

Jk.

Amsterdam is, without a doubt, one of the if not the most fun place on planet earth. It's just a fact. 

[ivankiss]

An entire universe at my doorstep. 

[ivankiss]

Stars beneath my feet. 

[ivankiss]

I know I cannot expect closure from your side. You simply don't have it in you. You are incapable of coming forth with the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have to accept that I will never know, and walk away for good. 

I ended this on a high note, and it's not like I had to. It's just who I am. Who I choose to be. How you can sleep at night though, I don't know... 

Drugs and alcohol, probably. 

You have fallen beneath the mark of dignity. Honesty or truth, is way outside of your reach. 

It's terribly sad, actually, where you are. It's so sad, I really should not ever think about it again. It's too painful and too twisted. And as twisted as I am, I see beauty even in that. Even in your bullshit. Our bullshit. That's what made me fall in love with you. Obsess over you. Bleed for you.

This built in error. This perfect flaw. 

Where I am might not be so pretty either, but at least I'm heading the right way, with a light heart and a clear conscience. I would not trade places with you, not in a million years. 

But hey, best of luck, and all. I hope I am wrong about you. I really do. 

[ivankiss]

I swear I already let it go, but it won't let go of me. 

[ivankiss]

Sun. Guitar. Bachelor's party. 

This day started good. 

[ivankiss]

Polish guy is insisting on meeting. I knew he would not let go that easily. He got attached fast, clearly. 

It's my off day. Feeling lazy. Honestly, I'd rather not catch up with him. But I might. 

[ivankiss]

Fuck. This. Wind. 

[ivankiss]

I could spend the rest of my life arguing with you in my mind. 

[ivankiss]

The plan is simple and straightforward. Which doesn't mean it's going to be easy. 

But is it doable? Is it possible? Is it relevant? Heck yeah it is. And that's all I need.