The Fantasy of Adult Competence I've been reflecting on the Puer Aternus videos that Dr. K. has put out and the subtle ways it shows up in my own life. I journalled about this privately and I'm trying to put this in a more coherent way in this journal.  I was talking to a couple of people about the social stagnation that I have been feeling and observing, and how as a result, I feel like I'm back at being 15 and awkward again. On a similar note, I had an annual performance review at work a few days ago where I ended up underselling myself since at the time I was filling out the self assessment, I was being affected by self doubt due to things happening in my personal life. Thankfully,  I was able to spin it in a more positive direction of being humble and willing to learn rather than someone with an underlying sense of self deprecation so my boss and manager ended up seeing this as a positive thing. I think this relates to putting life on a pedestal and how this causes me to think that everyone else and the situations before me is more impressive than they actually are and as a result, I find myself getting to this self deprecating state.  I have been finding myself feeliing like a loser at 25. I don't have a consistent sleep schedule especially when I'm emotionally going through things. I rotate between the same 5-6 meals because I don't particularly care for cooking but at the same time I do cook because it's a basic life skill (and sometimes I just skip meals when I'm emotionally going through it). I don't put my laundry away right away and I don't remember the last time I washed my sheets. I have ipad baby tendencies and the attention span of a gold fish. I use a lot of short cuts at work to avoid going insane and I often feel like I'm giving my bare minimum even though I have somehow convinced my boss that this isn't the case. I have trouble opening up to people and being vulnerable. I have a total of two people I talk to on a regular basis and other than that I'm pretty much a hermit. I have a few hobbies here and there but nothing that I'm super dedicated to or good at. I'm not exactly ugly but I would say that I'm a solid 5. I was kind of eh.. in college and I wouldn't say I'm particularly intelligent either. And I'm most certainly not particularly bubbly, positive, charismatic and socially gifted. I'm mediocre and underwhelming in every way.  I have felt this way consistently over the years on and off. It's not that I haven't grown or improved, I have and I can recognize it. But the moments of growth and the confidence I get from it feel like little blips in a broader sense of mediocrity. Maybe this is just a byproduct of getting older but it feels like everything is a moving target. Like I'm sure if I met my 20 year old or my 15 year old selves, they would be pretty impressed with me and think I'm this super competent, well put together professional, who is also good with people, self aware, charismatic, educated, and conscious person. I'm sure if you put me in a room full of 15 year olds, I would come off as cool as shit and at like the 99th percentile of having your life together. But, if you put me in room with other 25 year olds, I would probably be in the 60th percentile (and that's being generous). And back when I was 15, I still felt like I was in the 60th percentile of my peer group as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I have grown in an absolute sense but not in a relative sense and that's what makes self development feel like a moving target.  I think part of it is understanding and meeting what is considered normal in your peer group. It's easy for a 20 year old to idolize the average 30 year old because the 20 year old is in a different stage of life and they don't know what's normal for a 30 year old. There is also an element of being in the hedonic treadmill as it relates to self improvement. I also think you can improve on how you deal with various situations but the fact that you struggle sometimes doesn't negate you being a competent and mature adult. It just negates the fantasy you have of what a competent and mature adult looks like. I think when it comes to dealing with processing difficult emotions, I do go back to my nigh owl tendencies because often, during the day, I'm preoccupied with fulfilling various responsibilities and I don't have the free unstructured time to just let my mind do whatever until it's like 11 pm at night. And while skipping meals isn't good, I think having a couple of quick and easy meals you can do while emotionally going through it is normal because you need to prioritize processing instead of pressuring youself to be extraordinary in the kitchen. And sure, there are a few things here and there that I can do better at like putting my laundry away and keeping the kitchen clean but I don't have to hold myself to the image of perfection. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that while my habits might not max out for efficiency when I'm processing something, that doesn't mean that I'm being incompetent as an adult. Sure, my sleep schedule isn't efficient in terms of me being at a 100% at my job or when I'm working out, but it's efficient in helping me figure my shit out and after discussing this with a therapist, it honestly comes from a healthy place for me. But we also live in a place where we put waking up at 5 am and getting to bed at 9 pm, and working out every single day as the pinnicle of health and productivity even if that might not work for some people. It's a fantasy of being well adjusted, not the reality of it. The same can be said in relation to my hobbies and my current social connections. Sure, I can improve, but I do have a decent baseline I'm working with and that is for the most part working for me.   But then there is the question of why do I feel like I have to be extraordinary, larger than life, and in the 90th percentile of having your life together as an adult in the first place? What's wrong with being average? And the reasons why I'm asking these questions is because, first of all, I'm not stunted and despite my feelings. I'm doing relatively well in my life. And secondly, there is a whole thing with the puer aternus archetype where they live in fantasy and cannot deal with the discipline of dealing with mundane life. As a result, they can get kind of self agrandizing or manic when it comes to dealing with life.  I have a few ideas of where this might come from.  I don't like the feeling of being mediocre. Maybe this is the achiever in me or perhaps it's my own sense of narcissism. I guess it makes me feel like I cannot make a difference in the world or be recognized if I'm mediocre. But the reality is that you don't have to be extraordinary to make a difference. You just need to be a normal person who keeps showing up and doing the boring work and not give a fuck about getting recognized.  My ego wants me to be this well put together person and is hyper aware about my flaws. I don't want to feel incompetent and like I'm 15 and awkward again even though my self image hasn't really changed and every now and then old insecurities crop back up. I suppose I have this fantasy of adulthood where if you grew up and developed yourself that you won't have to deal with self doubt or negative states like depression, anxiety, etc again. Even if I didn't put specific adults on a pedestal, I put this image of adulthood on a pedestal that didn't have room for incompetence or error. I think I still see myself as the awkward, kinda dorky/weird kid. I don't think other people really see me in this way but I feel like that self image is burned in my head and I still relate to it in times of self doubt. And when my old insecurities or mental states come back, I find myself wondering if I'm stunted or abnormal as an adult. But I guess having moments of self doubt is normal even as you grow older. You can manage it and resolve it but you may still encounter another layer of this issue at times when you're vulnerable. Whether you're stunted or not isn't determined by encountering this additional layer, it's your ability to manage and resolve things in a responsible manner.