Privet

Member
 View profile  See their activity

  • Content count

    553

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by Privet

  2. Posted

    Week 1
    Hours this week: 22
    Hours total: 22

    Not that many hours regarding the fact that I'm still unemployed. But I'd like to keep this tempo even when I'll get a job.

    I've been practicing focusing on emotions for around 5 last years or more because I had intense emotions that didn't let me to focus on anything else and now I have switched to self-inquiry. It feels very confusing, I'm used to focus and in self-inquiry you don't really have an object to focus on so it makes me feel weird. During self-inquiry my mind wanders more than when I focus on an object. I'm not sure if I'll keep doing self-inquiry or switch to focusing, for some time I'll stick to self-inquiry and see where it goes.

    I practice in 1 hour intervals and don't do SDS anymore.

    On Wednesday I meditated 0 hours. Apathy backfired after the first two days and I spent the day laying on the couch, surfing a suicide forum and considering suicide. I just felt like my apathy is hopeless and nothing good awaits me in the future. But the next day I woke up and everything was fine.

    I'd like to make a couple of commitments:

    • NoFap. I have low libido because of a neuroleptic so I can stop jerking off for possibly unlimited amount of time. I did it before for around two weeks and didn't feel a thing. So I'll commit to not fapping.
    • Not moving during meditation. I move a little too much and I need to stop it.

     

  3. Posted

    I don't wanna sleep so I'll write some more...

    In my previous journal I mentioned that I started using antidepressant mirtazapine. I went on 30 mg dose and kept taking it for a year. I was aimlessly walking in the neighborhood before and mirtazapine let me get a job and commit to doing music. After a year I developed tolerance to it so I stopped taking it. It took me around four months to taper it off. First half of a pill was easy and took just a week but if I decreased more than that I'd just lose sleep. I had to slowly go down to 1/8 of a pill before I was able to quit completely. I'm a hell of an addict to everything but everything turned out to be fine with the antidepressant, I never overused it.

    I've read a bit of my previous posts here and dammit, how much have changed since then. I don't really get depressed anymore, I guess meditation and exercise did it for me and probably mirtazapine also is responsible for that. But here is the surprise... One of the side effects of mirtazapine mentioned in Russian wiki is "worsening of the paranoid syndrome". Either mirtazapine is the cause of my schizophrenia or it triggered my genetic predisposition to it. I had multiple fleeting and subclinical cases of paranoia while I was on it. But the first full-blown psychosis started more than half a year after quitting the antidepressant. It seems to me that the main trigger for psychosis is having a job: working 9 hours a day five days a week sets my brain in enough stress to start generating delusions. All three times that I had psychosis I had a job.

    The only thing that makes me depressed lately is neuroleptics, especially withdrawals from them, it's really, REALLY bad. On withdrawals from just a month or two on cariprazine and risperidone (separately) I was so depressed I ended up researching suicide methods in the internet. I also tried guitar cable on my neck with the tears on my eyes. But it passes in a month or quicker.

    It's possible that I have delusional disorder rather than schizophrenia because I don't have all symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has two clusters of symptoms, they're called positive and negative. Positive are delusions, hallucinations and thinking disorders, negative are apathy, anhedonia, alogia, avolition. I only have delusions and this is it, at least before zuclopenthixol. But anyways the treatment is neuroleptics and I'm not sure if you really should distinguish these two diagnoses.

    State psychiatry is really shitty in Russia. Do you know how they diagnose schizophrenia? A nurse comes to you and asks "how can I help?", if your response looks hostile to them they set the schizo diagnosis. This is it, nobody talks to you anymore. The doctors check 60-70 patients once in a week just a minute or two on each in one go. I got "lucky" that I actually am schizophrenic but I have seen people there who got the schizo diagnosis without symptoms, and not once.

    I will write more about what happened during psychoses and psych yard in my later posts.

  5. Posted

    One two three four five six sex...

    Speaking directly from your head, welcome to 3D!

    Wassup cucumbers!

    So, last time I posted was three years ago, but now I want to journal again so I make this journal.

    These three years were really crappy. I got sick with schizophrenia and got hospitaized with psychosis three times. I spent the last year on disability.

    After two first psychoses I didn't take neuroleptics and had jobs so everything was okay, but after the last (third) psychosis my mom convinced me to get disability and take meds. I agreed because the time between the last two psychoses was just a couple of months and I became afraid of getting psychotic again. The drug that was prescribed during my last hospitalization had more bearable side effects compared to all meds that I used previously. But this may they apparently stopped importing the drug and it disappeared from pharmacies. I'm not on the drug since may and I'm doing "fine".

    The drug that I have been using is called zuclopenthixol, I was getting an injection every 2 weeks. The side effects that I have from this drug are apathy, anhedonia, lower libido and twelve hour long sleep. Yes, I wrote "have" not "had" because despite going off the med I still have all side effects and I really hope they will go away, otherwise it's really bad. I was also getting stupor sometimes because of the med, that's also one of the main reasons I signed up for disability, because I couldn't work because of the stupor.

    The side effect that is killing me the most is apathy, and apathy is the reason I started this journal, because I hope that journaling will help me get over it. Disability ends in december, to prolong it I have to go to the hospital and stay there for a month, but if I do they will force me to take meds with unbearable side effects so instead I will just try to get a job and hope that I won't get psychotic again. I just don't see other options. They will most likely give me risperidone and on risperidone I can't do anything but to walk in circles, so I won't go to the hospital... For now... The best bet would be getting a private doctor and switch meds until I find another med with bearable side ffects and then get a job, but I have no money for that.

    Because of the motherfucking apathy I haven't been exercising and meditating during the last year and mostly layed on the couch. I tried to force myself to do it real hard and I failed multiple times, and before taking zuclopenthixol I meditated and exercised effortlessly, so you can get the idea how bad the apathy is...

    Meditation is number one commitment that I'd like to keep track of in this journal. I will download Insight Timer and post about hours that I meditated last week every sunday.

    Unfortunately I don't want to start exercising now.

    Okay, enough for the intro.

     

  11. Posted

    On 02.07.2019 at 7:24 AM, Azote said:

    I became really really fat, + 22 lbs, and there are 3 possible reasons. Either it is a year without PE classes, or a year without learning advanced mathsxD, or a year on prozac. 

    I doubt that it's Prozac. I'm done after almost a year on full 30 mg dose of Mirtazapine and I haven't gained a single pound. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Although recent smoking cessation gave me 10 pounds in like 3 months even though I haven't started to eat more. Maybe it's Prozac, yeah. Who knows, who knows...

    Be well.

     

  12. Posted

     

    Love = Genius

    Good Night Sleep = Energy

    Your Mother = Excellent Woman

     

    Who is the genius? No idea bro.

    Who is the kengúru whisperer? Interesting question.

    Who is the most woke on the forum? Well, who knows...

     

    But once you've made the mistake of talking to him...

     ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶u̶y̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶d̶y̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶g̶r̶e̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶.̶

    You better start laughing at yourselves.

    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    FOOOOOOOOOOLS!

  13. Posted

    On 15.08.2020 at 11:18 PM, Privet said:

    If these videos are not fake it sound like she has excellent singing skills.

    I mean, I have only seen three people in mainstream pop that sing live well: Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and she. This altered vocal melody line in the chorus sounds somewhat Irish, or Scottish, dunno. It seems that she sacrifices dancing for the sake of singing. And that's a good decision. You are either a dancer or a singer. Not two at the same time. It's difficult to sing when you are dancing. I mean, if you want to dance - dance in someone's bedroom. I mean, someone's bedroom. I mean, I can feed you if you will get hungry and tired, sing a lullaby, you know... I mean, yes Avril, YES PLEASE, BECOME MY GIRLFRIEND! YES!

    It seems that they are fake, I have quite an experience in mixing music and it tells me that Avril is a dirty liar. You can listen here to what actual live singing sounds like. Notice how her voice fluctuates when she starts running all over the stage. You sing okay overall and it started well Avril, but then for some stupid reason you started selling me your pussy and everything got a bad wrap. You are an adult already, and yes, yes, if you are that kinky, go ahead and try to wrap me around your finger.

    ...BUT IT WILL PROBABLY SMELL LIKE SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

     

  15. Posted · Edited by Privet

    Hmm... She's already 35, does she qualify as MILF?

    If these videos are not fake it sound like she has excellent singing skills.

    I mean, I have only seen three people in mainstream pop that sing live well: Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and she. This altered vocal melody line in the chorus sounds somewhat Irish, or Scottish, dunno. It seems that she sacrifices dancing for the sake of singing. And that's a good decision. You are either a dancer or a singer. Not two at the same time. It's difficult to sing when you are dancing. I mean, if you want to dance - dance in someone's bedroom. I mean, someone's bedroom. I mean, I can feed you if you will get hungry and tired, sing a lullaby, you know... I mean, yes Avril, YES PLEASE, BECOME MY GIRLFRIEND! YES!

  17. Posted · Edited by Privet

    On 06.08.2020 at 0:28 PM, Privet said:

    I got bored of running 5 km every second day for half an hour, I guess now I will dilute it with speeding and/or longer distances every second time.

    Nah, 7-10 km every second day and no speeding, fuck that shit, I'm not being late. It seems that jogging is such a my thing, people often just can't stand it, for me it's like going to spa, so relaxing.

    1.jpg

     

  18. Posted

    SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging?

  19. Posted · Edited by Privet

    Shieeet...

    I want to jump off the bridge.

    I mean, I WANT TO JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE!

    I had been riding my bicycle to work before and every damn morning I just looked down and wanted to jump, freefall is so seductive.

    They say it's over 15 meters, which means that my speed will be over 60 kilometers per hour on landing after around 2 seconds of freefall.

    The river is wide, I don't swim like a pro but I have a friend with a boat.

    I need to check the depth of the river, check if the bottom is clean and find a lower place to train my landing technique and estimate if 15+ meters is a good idea with as little experience as I have.

    I'm also guessing if it is good with the local society, I don't want to become a celebrity here, LOL.

    And I need to wait for the next summer to figure out all the details of that deliberately failed suicide. :(

     

  25. Posted · Edited by Privet

    I tried to put to test my fathlete body and see if I'm still capable of anything.

    It's quite surprising:

    info.jpg

    Бег = Running

    Дистанция = Distance

    Время = Time

    Калории = Calories

    Badges: (1) avg pace (min/km), (2) avg speed (km/h), (3) max speed (km/h).

    Speed chart:

    speed.jpg

    Sorry for Russian captions, can't change the language in the app.

    It seems that my current physique is even better than when I thought it was at peak in 2014-2015.

    I ran last 5 km in just 22.43, it's faster than my record of 23.xx, and it's after 16 kilometers! I mean I didn't really try to set a record before, but back then when I used to run a lot I had randomly tried to run 5 km "fast" and got a 23.xx result. I have also run last 10 km out of 50 minutes, which never happened before, the fastest I could find in the old screenshots from my messages with friends is 53.xx.

    My longest distance before was 20 km in 2.02.xx.

    Is this consistency in exercises or smoking cessation? I don't know, but it's kinda nice. B|

    Initially I set the goal to run the half marathon faster than 2 hours. On the 16th kilometer I had heard in the headphones that the time is one forty-something. "THE FUCK" I thought, how could that even happen if after 10 kilometers it was 57.xx? Either because of music I misheard (two times?!) the words or its a bug. But then, after 1.4x.xx the app had stated (it tells the info every km) that it's 1.4x.xx again and I calmed down. I almost stopped speeding and thought it will take another attempt to fall behind 2 hours because to run 4 kilometers faster than 15 minutes would be quite disturbing after 17 kilometers.

    My face was all salty and rough afterwards because of the dried sweat that accumulated during 2 hours, LOL. When you run that long it's so meditative: people come to the stadium, people go from the stadium, people come to the stadium, people go from the stadium; the sun is setting; jump, weightlessness, jump, weightlessness; relaxing fatigue in the muscles; slight wind; breathing in, breathing out; one album in the headphones, another album, one more... It feels somewhat psychedelic and chill when you reside in that 20 minute endorphine release at finish, especially after the sunset in the light of the orange street lamps on a bench in the bushes where there's no one around. You also get REALLY thirsty when it's over, I mean REALLY THIRSTY.

    I want to try marathon but I don't know yet, maybe next year. You definitely need to supply water during the run and probably something to eat on the go too, like a tooth paste tube of jam or something. Speeding is not an option in marathon for me now, because this result that I'm writing about is probably the best I can do without any consequences except fatigue. If I had pushed a bit harder I would probably have had a headache and it would have been very difficult to fall asleep.

    I lose my shit when I google records in running. Best male result for half marathon is below 1 our. ONE FUCKING HOUR FOR 21 KM!

    I got bored of running 5 km every second day for half an hour, I guess now I will dilute it with speeding and/or longer distances every second time.