Cepzeu

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Posts posted by Cepzeu

  1. Posted

    @lostmedstudent

    So.... After months of doubts and fear, I decided to pull the plug. I broke up with her about 2 weeks ago. 

    It was a very difficult thing to initiate.

    The breakup spread over a few days, I wanted to let her down easy. It started with me talking about my feelings and how I didn't feel connected or close to her. We then went on a few dates over the next couple of days just to sort of be in this joined mindspace of "this might actually be happening"

    Then I initiated the final conversation to talk about breaking up. It lasted for 4 hours and there were a lot of emotions. I won't go into the details because it will take too long, but essentially the reasons were lack of connection, conflicting personality types, insecurity, and unclear logistics of a future together (we're studying in different cities with high potential for needing to move around the country at the start of our careers). 

    I called her the next day just to check up on her. We discussed how we need to take the week off to just deal with the emotions.

    I called her at the end of the week to check on her again and we decided to not connect with each other at all for a month and then reassess whether we want to stay friends etc. At this point I do not think I will ever get back with her in a committed relationship ever, but I'm open to staying as friends. 

     

    Overall, I felt shitty for the first day being single, but to be honest, I've been feeling relieved, free, hopeful, and have generally been in a really good headspace. I'm enjoying the freedom, and I think that facing my fear and pulling the plug will end up being a huge positive in my life overall, despite being so hard to do. 

    Also, this is the first breakup I've had. I's been a 4 year relationship, and I'm currently 24. I'm looking forward to the future. 

     

    I may or may not update this further but this might be helpful for those in a similar situation. 

    If you are in your first relationship and want to break up but are afraid to, just know that it's ok to have those feelings, that it can be done amicably, and that you don't really lose that person forever, things just change. 

    I don't have any regrets about breaking up at this point. 

  2. Posted

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It can be challenging growing up with privilege because you are given a lot of things that other's work their whole lives for, and you see the emptiness in them and other pursuits. 

    You mentioned wanting to become infinitely powerful and allowing others to do the same. I think it's important to challenge yourself and grow. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. And then to teach others to do the same. 

    You lack motivation because your life is too comfortable right now.   

    Also, in my experience, life takes on more meaning when someone depends on you. Such as a pet, child, or student.

  3. Posted

    As Leo said, you simply lack experience. I went through a very similar thing. I didn't ejaculate the first 5-6 times I had sex because I was so nervous and self-conscious. This is a big deal for you and you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and forming high expectations. This is completely normal and will go away with time to where it becomes no big deal and you can just enjoy yourself. 

    Give yourself permission to be awkward, practice self-love, gain experience. 

  5. Posted

    @Hawkins, you realize that you create all of those ideas. Outside of your consciousness of them, they don't exits. When you reach godhead you realize that without you creating them, they don't exist. You create those fictions and the stories surrounding them to give yourself a sense of then-and-now, here-and-there, this-or-that. However there is only infinite Now. Once you become aware of infinite Now, you will realize all those questions are silly and that you made them all up. There's no one here other than you. 

  7. Posted

    On 12/09/2020 at 8:59 AM, vinc3nc said:

    Just want to share some of the insights that I got from a few psilocybin trips:

    • You're God and you're all alone. and you need to forget that (deceive yourself) in order to "experience" life. The more conscious you are, the less things you can enjoy in life in a sense. For example, when you were a child, your consciousness was low. that's the reason you could play with toys and do all those things that now you wouldnt want to do anymore. Then when you're in your late teens, early twenties or late twenties or so, you probably want success, fame, money, girls etc. That's because of your consciousness level. The more you develop yourself, the less appealing those things are to you. The more conscious you become, the more you want to be in solitude and the fewer friends you probably want to have. One reason is because you can't relate to anyone anymore. and once you see realize the truth, you can't really communicate this to anyone. That's like trying to tell someone in your dreams that he's not real and that this is only your dream.
    • You're stuck in eternity. There's nowhere to go, nothing to do. That's why self-deception is key. You need to forget. You don't want the truth. Your ego doesnt want it. To realize you're alone and that there's no "other" is not what you want. Trust me. You want to be decevied, to be asleep, so that you can play this game (enjoy, experience life so to say). Imagine if you played an MMORPG game and suddenly realized that "other players" werent really real - that they were just like NPCs, and you were the only player, always playing against yourself. That means no point in playing anymore... You want others to exist to make the game interesting. But once you see that they arent real, you can't enjoy it anymore, at least not to the same extent. I am talking about your ego.
    • Your mind is creating meaning out of everything. everything you do in your life is because you want to get "somewhere". If you meditate, you're doing it because you want to get somewhere with your meditation practice. You're not meditating because you want to experience the present moment at that particular time. You're doing in because you think it's improving you in some way, so that "one day" things will be better - you will be more conscious, more mindful, or whatever. But everything is meaningless, you won't ever get anywhere. Your mind is tricking you into doing things and making you think that things are going in some direction. And when you experience this - when you become deeply conscious that everything is meaningless - it's one of the worst feelings. You'll think you're going crazy. And then you will ask yourself what's the difference between crazy & not crazy.... and more fear will arise.
    • The universe is created in such a way that we constantly search for all the answers outside. when you're in a deceived state, you wonder "what's out there", "why do I exist", "what is existence", "is the universe infinite", and all these endless questions... just to turn yourself away from realizing the truth, away from turning inward. and then you take one psychedelic and everything is revealed to you. It becomes blatantly obvious why science can't ever get to this. and then you start asking yourself questions, "why was this revealed to me? Im a mere mortal. Why me, why me?". maybe because you're the only one?
    • And there's some kind of defense mechanism built into this whole thing - overtime you slowly forget the psychedelic experience, so that you can get back to living this dream life of yours. If the ego knew what it's getting itself into by "doing" spirituality and psychedelics, it would run away never come close ever again.

    When you're in an awakened state, there's no point posting anything on this forum and trying to explain what you've experienced, or talking to anyone about it in real life, because you're aware you're just talking to yourself. But since Im not in that state anymore, I'll just pretend Im making this post for "other people". I've successfully deceived myself over the last year back into my old life, or dream I should say.

    Very similar insights to what I got on my second ever trip. It was traumatizing. This happened about 6 months ago and I still have memories of that time, but they are fading. The good news is that since you create everything, you can create a world where there are others and partition your consciousness so that theirs is inaccessible to you. 

    The question of whether others have consciousness or are they just mindless zombies came up to me. Initially I thought no they don't, as I am the only consciousness. But now I feel like the true answer is "I don't know". 

    The beauty is that everyone is very different. You congeal back into your ego and lose the power of omniscience. So truthfully you don't know whether other's have consciousness, but practically it makes sense to play the game as though they do. 

    The other aspect of my realizations was the knowing that my current amnesia and struggle is the highest form of love. Me not-knowing is a feature, not a flaw of the game. Survival and the human's associated limits and weaknesses are the game. At first it seems like what's the point in playing if you know everything. But later you discover that because you are infinity, you cannot know yourself fully outside of direct experience. So even in god consciousness, knowing is only possible through being. You are so powerful that you created an infinity universe so big that it will take you infinity to explore it. Again, the beauty of this is "I don't know". I can only know by being. So by being in human consciousness, it is all you know. God consciousness is not accessible to you in your current state - all out of love. Another facet of love is constant challenge. You may have noticed that even though you think you are all alone and you know everything and all is nihilistic (how I thought initially), creation still surprises you. Your fridge breaks, you bump into a stranger on the street in need of something, a cat runs up to you for a cuddle. In human consicousness you cant predict these things because you are limited. The beauty of this is the possibility to experience something new. The further beauty of thsi si that you are infinite, so there is always something to experience and you will always have something to experience. The FURTHER beauty of this is that since you are creating reality, your lack of consciousness as a human is real. Your human existence and suffering and aim of survival is real. Outside of real there is nothing. 

    You activated the god mode cheat in the game and saw that it lost its fun. BUT when you were in god mode you didn't experience the full game world, you just experienced a level of the game in god mode. Now you restarted the game and decide to play it without cheats and go to explore the places you haven't explored.

    In my experience, God cannot know its infinitude through being, it can only know it through insight (i.e. the suspicion that it is infinite) because being means form, and form is always limited. That is the beautiful strange loop. God is infinite and all powerful but because its so infinite it has to explore ALL of itself to know itself. The only way you can explore is through duality (i.e. limited forms). So it's a paradox. You are all powerful, but to know yourself you have to step down into the world of limitation and duality. Why? Out of Love.

  8. Posted

    Hey everyone,

    I've had a few private messages about updates for the textbook. 

    You are all welcome to edit the textbook. It's been designed as an open document for the benefit of the community. The only requirement it to make sure page numbers are synced and that you mention changes/updates in the change log, and give yourself the appropriate credit by adding your name next to the changes.

    Also feel free to message others who are interested and make the update a group project!

    I've very happy you are all getting some benefit from it and would love to contribute more, but i'm tied up with some personal projects at this time.

  9. Posted · Edited by Cepzeu

    @Mvpjouney I can empathise with you on this as I am going through similar feelings for a similar reason. The best thing I've found that helps is just taking a break from spirituality for a while. You are a creator, so take time figuring out what you would like to create and go do that. When you get lost in your creation you can return to spirituality ?

    I had a big awakening around 5 months ago. Haven't practiced any meditation or yoga etc since then. All heals with time, trust me.

  12. Posted

    @Roy + 1 to quitting coffee. 

    I only drank 1 cup per day but noticed a heavy late morning brain fog most days. Tried eating breakfast and not eating breakfast and varying sleep hours, didn't help. 

    After 1 week off caffeine (eliminated tea as well), brain fog no longer occurred and I felt like I had a steady energy until about 7 pm at night.

    The best way to quit is to get a coffee substitute. Most grocery stores sell them. I can recommend cereal beverages such as Inka, or Caro, or alternatively Dandelion tea. 

    Still get the taste but not the caffeine

  14. Posted

    The only reason for awakening is for understanding yourself.

    Once you awaken, you stop suffering so much because you realize the illusory nature of everything and you loosen your attachments.

    When illusory suffering ceases, everything becomes good (or I should say everything is realised as being good already).

    Paradoxically, to know yourself you have to divide yourself. Hence, you divide yourself and form attachments and desires etc. and you suffer.

    But the suffering is recontextualized as a big never-ending game. 

     

  15. Posted

    @Winny The words you are reading right now are just shapes and colours. You construct meaning out of these shapes and colours. A brain is the same. You look at a bunch of pink stuff and you project a whole story onto it. 

    "eufhwefans" means little to you because you are not projecting anything onto it, maybe the thought "gibberish"

    "eating faeces" means a lot to you because you attribute a meaning to this string of colours and shapes. But note that you are doing that. The colours and shapes "eating faeces" has no inherent quality outside of what you project onto it.

    A brain is just some pink stuff. The whole story of how there are neural connections and they allow you to experience pain etc. is your projection. A cute story that you tell yourself to create your reality. You've never deeply questioned why you believe that in the first place.

    Hope that helps

  16. Posted

    1 hour ago, electroBeam said:

    By this time a cop came over to me asking if I was ok. Apparently I had been talking to several neighbours without realising it. Apparently I told a couple about the stuff mentioned above, which I only remembered after seeing the cop. After telling the cop with the most amount of charisma and confidence I had ever expressed to another human being before,  that I was fine and was just walking home, he let me go. Got away from that one luckily. I wrote some last notes down at home:

    AHAHAHAHAHAA, I'm dying imagining this.

    Beautiful report :x

  20. Posted

    12 hours ago, Consept said:

    What if after investigating the flat earth the person holds on to a belief the earth is flat and even the importance of that being the case, disregarding or finding circular logic and stretching facts to explain why its flat. Is that gullible or what is that?

    That is slightly tangential to OP's post as that delves into reality-making. Nevertheless, that is what you are doing all the time to create your reality ;).

    But on a more surface level, if they are conscious that they are stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence then they will deep down know their belief isn't solid, they are lying to themselves. If they are unconsciously stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence, that is ignorance. Most people are doing the latter.

    Gullibility is simply blind trust.

  21. Posted

    Someone who is open-minded is able to hold new information as plausible and does not automatically discount it given their prior experience. In other words, they are open to something unusual being the case, even if it clashes with their current paradigm of life. They do not take this on as a belief, they are willing to investigate the idea with direct experience.

    Someone who is gullible takes on an idea or belief as being true simply from persuasion by others.

     

    Example: 

    Flat-earth:

    Open minded person: Well, I've been told that the earth is round, but is it possible that the earth is really flat? For instance, I feel that the earth is flat, but I may not have all the evidence to know for sure. Let me have a look at the different arguments around these two views and the evidence presented. (Possibly in the future) Let me fly out to space and see whether the earth is round or flat. I could be deluded in thinking the earth is round. To be honest, I've never really questioned where my idea of a round earth came from. Let me hold these two views as possibilities until I have more evidence to point me to the truth of the matter.

    Gullible person: The earth is flat because that's what my dad told me. Everyone in my village knows that the earth is flat. Why would it be round???? It feels flat. 

  22. Posted

    You are running away from doing the work to make your life better.

    Go take a cold shower.

    Shorten your time horizon. Make small changes. Visualise what you want your life to look like in 6 months.

    Don't put so much pressure on yourself to quit porn. If it happens it happens, try to do it less frequently. It will naturally fall away when your life improves. 

    Acceptance and self-love will take you a long way

  25. Posted

    2 hours ago, 4201 said:

    Sometimes I wish I didn't take my largest dose of LSD the day after getting rejected last november, throwing my life into a downward spiral.

    But hey, at least I have a pretty deep understanding of "unawareness"! And it's not like it could have been otherwise. Past is past.

    So yeah, set and setting. Do not underestimate those. It's not just some formality for beginners, it actually matters.

    You really do have to have you life affairs sorted and be in a good place before you jump down the rabbit hole, I agree