Emerald

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Posts posted by Emerald

  2. Posted

    1 hour ago, Chadders said:

    @MarkKol Women will pretty much always go for guys older than them and the gap is widening. 40 years ago the average age difference might have been around 3-5 years now it’s around a 10 year gap. 
     

    I don’t actually have any advice for getting round that even if you are more mature for your age. If a situation arises and you connect with an older women no harm in buying her a drink and seeing how things unfold but I wouldn’t count on it if you’re 20 and she’s like 30 odd

    men age like fine wine. Just focus on developing yourself and when you get older you’ll find it easier to attract the women you want. I’ve noticed I have more success now than in my 20s

    I saw some statistics on this a year or two ago.

    The average age gap in the U.S. is 2 years where the man is 2 years older than the woman. 

    In poorer countries, that age gap increases with the biggest average age gap being 6 years (if memory serves). 

  3. Posted

    5 hours ago, MarkKol said:

    I see a lot of women older than me that I’m simply attracted to, and this happens a lot, It’s a preference both in personality and physical attractiveness, does anyone have any experiences or tips regarding this? I’m 20, and these women seem to be between the ages 30-40 usually.

    When I was 20, I experienced a huge shift where I suddenly got unattracted to men in their 20s and was only attracted to guys in their 30s up to early 40s.

    I can look back now, that this was a desire for what I perceived as a symbol of stability and maturity. And I was dealing with a lot of chaos and disconnection at the time. I really didn't have a support system.

    I would say beware someone in that 30-40 age range that would date a 20 year old as they are often lacking in maturity. And I would look to see if there are any reasons why these attractions might be arising as it may indicate things like feeling unsupported and/or a lack of a support system... and a desire to find a maternal figure to provide what is lacking.

    I understand however, that that heart wants what it wants. When I was 20, I was so deeply entrenched in these feelings about older men that I was literally incapable of being attracted to anyone under the age of 28.

    I would just say that it would be wise to seek to understand this on an emotional/psychological level and to be careful who you allow into your life as you would likely find immature women of that age who are looking for a totally different dynamic than what you're likely looking for.

  4. Posted

    10 hours ago, StarStruck said:

    @Emerald

    Exceptions do exist. But when shit hits the fan, women will conglomerate around real men. Not men like freaking Jack Black. And obviously we are talking about archetypical energies. No need to create false dichotomies: one can be warm hearted and be cold hearted at the same time depending on the situation. I have both and it can be sensed. When I walk into a room, the men know what is up and the women too. I need to work on warm heartedness though to be honest.

    I think you haven't watched the Peterson video. He explains it very well. You need to develop the animal first before you can tame it. 

    I think I've heard Jordan Peterson talk about the "tame the animal" idea before. He talks about how a man shouldn't seek to be harmless... but dangerous and in control of his dangerousness.

    There are angles with which that is true, and I have worked with men who repress their more animalistic side and their aggression.

    I actually have a close friend of mine who grew up in a very patriarchal Mormon town. And he had lots of issues with his dad.

    So, he had/has this whole dynamic around wanting to avoid being "like the other guys" who he sees as too aggressive.

    I talk often with him (and mostly male) clients of mine about a dynamic that I refer to as the 'lion and lion-tamer' dynamic. And this has to do with integrating both aggressiveness and self-control. This is an issue that afflicts men who try to declaw themselves because of shame they have in their aggressive side as they don't want to be "like those other guys".

    But this lion/lion tamer dynamic is very subtle when it's done correctly. When a man integrates his lion,  the spark of his instinctual aggressive vibes show through his otherwise warm-hearted and interesting personality like a glittering light. And it makes a man very magnetic.

    And that's part of what I find attractive about the men that I mentioned, because I can see the lion and lion tamer in them dancing together.

    Men who are too much lion tamer and no lion aren't interesting. But men who are too much lion are also not interesting.

    When those two elements are integrated, you get a brilliant and unique expression of the Masculine.

    And it's a personal tendency to be attracted more to men who are a bit more reserved with their lion as it creates mystery and intrigue where I feel like I can unveil the hidden lion in him. Kind of like the male equivalent of "lady in the streets and freak in the sheets."

    For example, young Mr. Rogers is on my list. And what I find appealing attraction-wise about him is that he was such a caring and warm-hearted person and he gave this speech back in the 70s or thereabouts that shows this very fatherly energy where he cares deeply about children's well being. And he doesn't wear his sexuality or aggression on his sleeve at all. He is so fundamentally wholesome and high vibrational.

    But I also know that he's still a human man with male instincts. And the thought of rousing the lion in that sort of a man (who has tamed his lion) is intriguing to me in ways a heterosexual male might not understand or appreciate.

    But some women may also have the opposite preference where she wants a guy who is a bit more ostentatious with his lion. That's also a preference that many women have.

    But there is no dichotomy here of "fake men" vs "real men". All men are real men. They are just different. 

  5. Posted

    9 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

    Brilliant. 

    Don´t expect most people here to understand this. Most people here are not walking the road towards the real solution, they just putting band-aids. 

    Almost No one dares to look at the pain of shame and dare to dissolve it, instead of playing this endless games of seeking validation in the external world. 

    That's exactly true. The issue is really that the shame problem presents symptomatically as a problem meeting women/getting women to like them. Sometimes it presents itself as a need to improve one's self in other ways as well.

    So, because of this misdiagnosis, they try to solve the problem on the level of the symptom and not on the level of the root. 

    The problem is that it's tricky because there are also practical reasons to want to improve one's self and get better with dating/sex/relationships, so it can be difficult to parse the distinction and notice the shame motivation that partially undergirds these motivations.

    And it's usually some mixture of practical motivations and motivations to get away from feelings of unworthiness that is instilled into boys/men by telling them that they are not enough as they are. So, it isn't as clear and obvious in more subtle cases with men who are less afflicted by the collective shame or who are able to cope with that collective shame in other ways.

    But we can look towards groups like Incels and other Manosphere groups to see more obvious expressions of coping mechanisms to that collective shame wound that generally impacts men as a whole group.

    The issue is that the expressions of these coping mechanisms sets off women's collective wounding around powerless. So, it's difficult for women to exercise compassion and to view these behaviors beyond a surface level. 

  6. Posted

    Just now, StarStruck said:

    Exactly, if somebody broke into your house and was trying to get you. You wouldn't call freaking Connel West or god damned Reggie Watts. Lmao... you would call a real man.

    And once those "real" men left, I'd be going to bed with that man that I'm actually attracted to and feel connected with.

    Women don't get attracted to men solely on the basis of who can whoop the most ass. That quality might be attractive to some women but not others.

    I am much more attracted to men who are creative, warm, intelligent, authentic, and who possess a high degree of sensitivity. This is what I need in a man to feel compatible and connected with him. And it's also what I tend to get inspired by in men even when I'm not attracted to them.

    I need a warm-spirited man and not a cold-spirited man to feel good in a relationship... which is why I listed the men that I did as they are all warm-spirited (except Bo Burnham who is kind of a mixture of warm and cold)

    So I'll leave the ruthlessness to some other woman who finds that sexy.

  7. Posted

    16 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

    This is such a vague and loaded statement with many many layers of interpretations.

    Generally you lose the "innocence" with experience. It's not necessarily a good or bad thing. Some prefer the experience and others, the innocence. That's a statement about the preference of the guy who made that statement.

    It's not an attack on woman's agency, for those individuals who do take agency.

    It is to protect women who do not have agency, who are a significant share of the women's population.

    Note that vast majority of women are in no position to have agency due to their life circumstances.

    And yes, it does come at some cost to women who does take agency. You are entitled to perceive that as an infringement of your agency. But your agency, if normalised to all women, will result in lots of more women in taken advantage of by male sexual predators.

    At the end of the day, what do you value more?

    Your own agency, or the safety of the women who do not  take/have agency?

    You're clearly not understanding my point of view and just want to be combative and nitpick everything to death. So, I'm not going to attempt to engage anymore.

  8. Posted

    28 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

    @Emerald I was adding on top of it. No intentions to argue with you.

    I wasn't talking about my girlfriend.

    I was talking in generalities.

    You guys mix up the generalities with the specifics not even knowing there is a difference.

    If you make a general statement, then I reply in generalized statements. 

    If I say women in general don't take enough agency, you counter it with "Oh I take agency in my life" as if it is countering my statement at all.  

    You don't have to defend statements that aren't about you. They are general statements. And don't make general statement about women into the specifics of your personal life.

    You're doing that thing where you're arguing with me for argument sake again.

    This women being decisive/exercising agency topic is the discussion you were (and still are) trying to shoehorn in to the conversation I was having with someone else on a barely tangentially related topic. 

    So, I haven't even attempted to engage/debate with you on this topic at all.... but you still say that I'm engaging with you incorrectly about it.

  9. Posted

    9 hours ago, StarStruck said:

    When shit hits the fan, I doubt those guys would be any use to you or anybody else. Neither would you feel safe. 

    My definition of healthy masculinity is a man who tamed his inner animal. I like Peterson’s philosophy on this one. 

    Do the men that I mentioned not come across as men who have tamed their inner animal to you? 

    First off, all of the men that I mentioned are highly intelligent and highly competent in their respective fields and they have risen to the top in those fields. So, I don't understand why you think they wouldn't be able to handle things if things got difficult as they've already shown they're highly resourceful and ambitious people.

    But more importantly than that... 

    I don't live in some lawless context where my best chance of survival as a woman is to be concubine #57 to some ruthless warlord with ASPD.

    I live in the 21st century with a whole civilization built up around me with police officers, fire fighters, military, etc. and all sorts of other workers that are specifically tasked with protection. And there's tons of infrastructure built for safety. So, it would be a very rare occasion that I would be facing directly with some kind of danger from outside the household. (Side Note: Violence towards women usually comes from inside the household from abusive partners) And it would be even rarer that my partner would be the one that needs to protect me.

    And because society has developed to the point it has, I can afford to seek safer and more fulfilling relationships with men who are less ruthless and who have a more human touch.

     

  10. Posted

    5 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

    @Emerald That´s a brilliant analysis. Although I´d say it does not cover the whole audience of pick up community. Some guys do not vibrate that much on shame and instead they are just there to try to get laid/meet women. Of course they share root problems but is not all about shame. If you look at vibrational scale there´s a lot of 'low-end vibrations' until you get to Neutral or Acceptance. 

    THIS.-

    Not everybody on pick up community is because of heavy trauma. Some people are kind of fine but want to have more experience with women. 

    Thank you!

    Yes, I had mentioned pickup more as a community that has elements of shame but that it's more of a mixed bag because there is also a practical efficacy to it that has more to do with seeking experiences/relationships with women.

    So, pickup is more of a community that has some elements of that shame... because of some men who feel heavy amounts of shame engaging in it in an attempt to fix the shame by seeking female validation... and in some part because the majority of men tend to experience shame in a milder way.

    So shame will be an element in the pickup community, but it isn't the primary coalescing factor. 

  11. Posted · Edited by Emerald

    1 hour ago, Bobby_2021 said:

    Stereotypes will always exist. Some of it is bullshit and others have some substance to them.

    The stereotypes held in the media and propagated to the general public is despicable. There are also commonly held stereotypes because they are mostly true. These are stereotypes that has some substance behind them.

    In the latter cases, you will simply have to deal with it upfront. Because most women shy away from taking agency, men have no option to take matters into their own hands. This might end up taking away agency from women who are bold enough to accept it.

    It feels like you're just trying to argue with me for argument sake. None of what you're talking about even remotely pertains to what I'm talking about. And I wasn't even talking to you in the first place.

    I was just talking to @Princess Arabia about how the narrative that another person on the thread (also not you) was spinning is something that misrepresents women and thus strips us (conceptually) of our own agency within the context of their narrative. 

    So, they're not saying "Jeez! Women have no agency and are so indecisive. Why can't they ever just choose what to eat?" That's a totally different stereotype that's relatively harmless and has elements of truth to it.

    They're saying, "The innocence of women is under attack by pick-up artists and the divine feminine wants me to protect the purity of women." And this narrative paints women as ultra-pure and helpless and lacking our own agency. It views women as sexless victims of male sexual predation even in consensual sexual dynamics. And it projects so many false assumptions about female sexuality onto women that has historically led to some pretty awful stuff that there are still echoes of.

    And when these types of narratives are superimposed onto us, it's frustrating at best and powerless feeling at worst because a person who thinks that way will never be able to see or hear you as a real person.

    But you keep bringing up random dynamics about your girlfriend being indecisive and expecting you to pick the dining place. And it's so entirely shoehorned in and off topic.

    So it just feels like you're trying to argue with me for the sake of arguing. 

    It sucks to be projected onto and misrepresented in ways that are infantilizing. And if you were a woman, you'd hate it too.

    Just let us talk about how we feel about this (unfortunately common) dynamic without trying to bust into the conversation and argue us out of and invalidate our feelings with whichever cudgel you think you have.

  12. Posted

    Just now, Tenebroso said:

    I was unpopular with men and women. A group of boys used to tell me everyday at 15 that "Nobody loves you" it's etched in my memory. The leader of that group was already having sex with multiple women at school and is now married with kids. The girls at school used to say "I would die a virgin", when condoms were handed out during sex education class they laughed at me taking them, since I would never need them. I never found my group of outcast, anyone I asked out would laugh at me.

    If a healthy masculinity is so attractive then why do overtly negative, destructive men manage to attract women?

    How can develop any self love with terrible of foundation. I have no positive memories, nothing to fall back on where I can say at this point I was embraced, even cousins and older siblings treated me bad. If you never find your tribe, your self development amounts to nothing. I've had phases of trying to embrace myself and it works until you go home alone again knowing nobody cares about you or will call on your birthday.

    I am not angry at women anymore but I have given up on trying, the only reason I won't kill myself is because I believe in reincarnation and think I will have to repeat this lifetime if I commit suicide. So I just have to endure this pathetic existence until it's my time.

    Healthy men are mostly attractive to women who are healthy themselves and who are fairly self-aware about what they want and need in a relationship. Otherwise, it is like casting pearls before swine. The unhealthy will prefer the unhealthy. The healthy will prefer the healthy.

    In actuality, most unhealthy attraction dynamics come from underlying trauma patterns that happen to magnetize people to one another. So, it doesn't even have to do with anything positive that makes someone attracted to someone. This can shed some light on your question of how some destructive men attract women. The key is that they attract women who are destructive themselves... or that have inverted or analogous issues with trauma or self-esteem.

    It's also important to keep in mind that there's also the factor that different women will find different guys attractive on that level. For example, I can recognize that Will Smith is attractive and that he has many admirable qualities. But he's not the type of guy that appeals to my sensibilities. 

    But truthfully... the main thing that would be helpful for you to focus on is the shame itself. And the way to heal from shame is to practice unconditional self-acceptance and self-love.

    But this will be challenging until you you find 1+ people to connect with on a friendship level who accepts you for who you are since we are a social species. And we will only feel safe coming to accept ourselves if we have people we're socially connected to who accept and value us. And all you need is 1 person that accepts you to start embodying yourself  more.

  13. Posted

    2 minutes ago, Tenebroso said:

    These kind of men probably receive validation very early. When I was at school some guys were getting laid at 13,14 those boys begun a cycle of always being involved with women and being validated, they never even had a chance to develop shame. While guys like myself have been stuck in an infinite cycle of peer and romantic rejection from childhood, how are you supposed to break that negative loop if you never get a chance.

    All the self development and awareness means nothing if you never get a chance to show your positive qualities in a relationship, people are not islands we grow and gain confidence in relation to other people. This is the missing part of your excellent post which did resonate with me. Some men like myself are psychologically and emotionally broken beyond repair, it feels karmic as if I did something to deserve this in another life.

    Along the same lines as the last post...

    When I was in elementary and middle school, I was very unpopular and I got made fun of really often. And for years, I would try to formulate plans to get popular so that I could be accepted and get out of being such a social pariah.

    And in middle school, I found a group of other outcasts to spend time with. And for about a year or so, we were collectively viewed as untouchables and highly unpopular.

    But during this time, many of us really started to lean into what made us outcasts and what made us different. And this became part of the basis for our positive identities.

    My friend Joe coined the term "nerd pride" and it really captured how I felt about it all.

    So, instead of thinking about what caused me to be rejected as an indicator of my undesirability... instead I turned the tables and began viewing myself as different in a good way and that my nature is actually more interesting and cooler than the "normal people".

    And this was a good first stepping stone into a positive self-concept.

    The main thing is to take what you like least about yourself and to learn to celebrate it as what makes you special. Then you can be the phoenix that rises from your own ash.

  14. Posted

    10 minutes ago, Tenebroso said:

    @Emerald Your original post is enlightening, I recognize the shame you talk about in myself. I am 30 and have only known rejection to the point that I struggle to look women in the eye and try to avoid them in public now because I feel so unworthy.

    I've never tried to compensate by being super stylish or becoming muscular, focusing on my look etc However at least for my generation it seems those things matter you don't get to show your positive qualities unless you have an attractive mask.

    I feel that there is a harsh truth that society struggles to accept, some men are just meant to be alone. Being my natural self has never attracted anyone. All kinds of men get laid a lot not just guys similar to your examples with a balanced masculine and feminine nature. Murderers, drug dealers, thieves and much worse seem to get laid. In the UK where I live a police officer kidnapped, abused and killed a woman while on duty yet he had a wife and family. What's so wrong with guys like me?

    That's all just the shame talking.

    It's only your beliefs about yourself that stem from those feelings of shame that make you feel like you're meant to be alone and that no one would want you.

    The first step is to fall in love with who and what you are. Start to prefer your own qualities.

    And example of this would be like this...

    When I was a little girl, I wanted to be pretty. But most pretty women in the media at that time were blondes... usually with blue eyes. And all the songs that people would sing about beautiful women would usually have blonde or red hair and blue or green eyes... with the exception of "Brown-eyed Girl".

    So, I was always thinking I was boring looking and unattractive when I was a kid. Add on top of this that I'm very pale, and being tan was/is seen as more beautiful in the eyes of society.

    But as a teenager, I started leaning into my darker features and my pale skin. And it worked really well with the goth look that I was going for at the time.

    And I began to genuinely prefer looking the way that I do.

    This is what you would need to do with your looks and your personality traits. Come to prefer the way you are and celebrate the way you are. 

  15. Posted

    Just now, Tenebroso said:

    @Emerald Interesting examples. I admire Jon Stewart and Cornel West. George Carlin is a hero of mine, use to fall asleep to his comedy specials. Jack Black I admire but I know I could never embody that level of self confidence.

    They all have really interesting unique vibes about them. It's what self-actualization really looks like when someone individuates to the point where no one else on the planet is even remotely like them because they have embodied and developed themselves so deeply.

    It's why I usually find all the attempts to be more Masculine to backfire because the attempt to do that often subsumes what's really brilliant and attractive about a given man into a paint-by-numbers model of manhood.

  18. Posted

    49 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

    IF you want men to honor your agency, you need to act like you have one. Men are more than willing to give enough agency to women if they can show him that they can handle it.

    Most women want their man to decide where to eat, plan where to go, what to speak and make those little decisions. You do not wait for others to give agency to you. You can already see the message you will be sending him. So he will be the one who have agency by default. Women are free to take it into their own hands. Most women will do not. 

    Agency will require you to handle matters more directly and communicate clearly. All you can do that, then men will not stand in your way. In fact they will be even more welcoming. 

    I personally have plenty of agency and know very well what I want. And I surround myself only with men who respect my agency and take what I say seriously. I'm pretty picky about who I allow into my life... male and female.

    The dynamic that I'm talking about is a more collective dynamic when groups of men get together and collectively project stereotypes, caricatures, and misrepresentations onto women as a whole group that they believe in wholeheartedly.

    It's similar to how a person who's racist against black people might not be able to see the actual personality of any given black person as they see them more as a collection of racial caricatures and stereotypes. The main difference is that there's an inherent sexual agenda attached to it when certain men do that to women as a whole group.

    And then when a woman tries to communicate something that diverges from that projection to the men who do this, they won't listen or will simply believe that she's deluded or that she's trying to trick and mislead him.

    It makes it impossible to be heard and seen for what's true about you. And the more a man holds onto his ideas about women in general, the less he'll be able to hear you as a woman.

    This is where the powerless feeling comes from that I had mentioned in my post above.

  19. Posted

    11 hours ago, Dodo said:

     I dont fancy myself as saviour of women. It just so happened I had an episode where i was in contact with a feminine divine energy and I had to work undercover together with Her against my fellow boys in order to bring balance to situations. The men were very rude and overpowering, and the feminine wanted to fix that.

    Its like the divine feminine being unhappy with what the masculine is doing. They are both divine, but the masculine wants to take full reigns, and the feminine needed help.  

    Idk maybe it was all a dream, but it was well real for me while happening. And maybe I failed, or maybe it just needed me there as a presence. At that time i was voluntary celibate (as in not even pleasuring myself) and fasting naturally and didn't need to sleep. 

    The thing is, women don’t need your protection against this that or the other pickup artist.

    And I can see this dream/vision of being the protector of the divine Feminine leading into you superimposing a narrative onto reality where you can play this savior/hero figure to supposed damsels in distress.

    But reality doesn’t work that way. And women don’t need this.

    The problems that women are facing at the hands of men can only be fixed with true mutual understanding and empathy.

    And our core problem doesn’t stem from the fact that pickup artists are seeking sex from us.

    The core problem comes from misrepresentation and not being understood or listened to. And having men’s agendas and narratives bulldoze over our agency. Sometimes this dynamic is sexual and sometimes it’s non-sexual. But it’s always about having our agency swallowed up into men’s agendas, narratives, and misconceptions.

  20. Posted · Edited by Emerald

    53 minutes ago, QVx said:

    @Emerald, would you be able to find some examples to help support your view in this thread?

    The main issue I think that is happening within this discussion is that many people are unable to approach what you’re saying from a conscious place.

    Using examples would help bridge that misunderstanding by taking away theory and focusing more on reality.

    I’m sure there are some great examples on YouTube, even if just in the form of clips.

    What I would say is that the men that I admire the most and who I find myself most attracted to tend to be men who are very unique who probably never think of being Masculine yet have a really beautiful subtle Masculine energy.

    But I’m not so sure that men who value being more Masculine would see these men as role models of Masculinity. And men might not appreciate why I would find these men attractive and they may not recognize their Masculine energy because it doesn’t have much to do with the Masculine ideal.

    They are just fully themselves and living in alignment with their purpose. And their natural subtle unpretended Masculinity comes through effortlessly.

    Here are some examples of well-known men who I look up to and who I find attractive…

    • (Young) Mr. Rogers 
    • Jon Stewart
    • Cornell West
    • (Young) George Carlin 
    • Reggie Watts
    • Jack Black
    • Bo Burnham

    That’s the thing about Masculinity, the moment you try is the moment you fail.

  21. Posted

    @thierry I wouldn’t worry about what the energy guy said.

    It gives you the impression that your difficulties letting her go stem from her being an energetic vampire that’s sucking energy from you in some mystical way.

    But I don’t believe that at all.

    And it’s honestly an irresponsible thing for him to tell you because it makes you feel like she has some power over you that she doesn’t.

    The power is only in your hands to let her go.

  25. Posted

    Just now, mr_engineer said:

    There are multiple authority-figures giving multiple definitions of 'love'. 

    Maybe our parents say that 'love is the self-sacrifice we do for you'. Or, rom-coms say that 'love is a positive feeling-state towards someone'. Or, religion says that 'love is the desire to do good for your fellow humans'. Or, non-duality says that 'love is the realization of Oneness'. 

    All of these definitions refer to different 'direct experiences'. 

    So, what's your definition? 

    So, you're talking about 'love' as a noun or a verb? This sounds like a verb to me. 

    The problem at hand is that the process of understanding love on a rational/intellectual level has already begun with the different types of conditioning we have about it from different sources. Everyone has a different definition of it. 

    So, love is 'friendliness'? Why does friendzoning happen, then? 

    In this case, what I mean by love is a relationship between two people based on a deep feeling of bondedness that has grown over time… and where people’s lives have grown intertwined with one another over time.

    But the issue with your questions is that you’re trying to make love fit into your current paradigm about male/female dynamics. And love can’t fit into that paradigm at all.

    Lao Tzu said, “If you want to gain knowledge, add things every day. But if you want to gain wisdom, remove things every day.”

    You’ll have to embrace the “not knowing” to open yourself up beyond your current paradigm… which might feel scary.

    I sense that you ask all these questions to try to get maximum assurance so as not to get hurt. But it’s that very tendency that will keep you from opening up and connecting,