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About Annanas

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  1. My personal partial death When did I die? When I begun basing my self love on the love of the other. As soon as that love has been perceived as decreased, even though it maybe hasn't been, I begun questioning my own existence. That is when I realized that I have to love myself to survive in this world. I am very harsh on myself and others and sometimes it is killing me, I have to admit. I would like to become a little bit milder. It is hard to have so much intensity and not let it turn into sharpness and toughness, but I will try to loosen it up a bit just to be happier and less concerned with outcomes and expectations that I am putting on others and myself.I am not sure how to do it. I will try to be conscious of my own judgments for example and say to myself ''Imagine that the same thing happens to you'' or something similar that will let me be a little bit more accepting and understanding. That is something that is expected of a woman, but that is not my natural ability. I have to dive deep into my empathy to just know how it's like in someone else's skin. I don't see it as something negative. Not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same capabilities or puts priorities on the same things.
  2. This is hell I have to emo out somewhere. I feel like I am dying. Well, it seems to be me that at least the old me is dying. The old habits need to die and some destructive thoughts and feelings about myself. I am experiencing mourning and withdrawal symptoms. I never knew why are people so sad after a breakup and now I understand everything. I didn't expect to be the one to feel that way. I just feel enormous bouts of pain that I need to go through. I am looking forward to the other side of pain. Until then, I plan to pour all my sadness into my creative work and one day you might see it published. Wish me luck! Damn this is fucking hell. I've never experienced this excruciating pain. As if I am going through the fire hoops while walking with bare feet on the broken glass in between each of those. This is emotional hell. I can't move atm or do anything. I am just feeling this painful void inside of my existence. I've lost the motivation to do anything and I have so much potential. Is this really the consequence of love? Why does it hurt so bad? What have I done? I wouldn't have let myself fall in love if I knew that this is was going to be the consequence. I partly hate myself for turning into this emotional pathetic wreck and I feel a bit ashamed.
  3. Today I discovered within myself that there is no need to be upset or to overthink. There is no need to hurry. Everything will fall into place eventually, I believe, as long as I am flexible as air, as water. As long as I let myself flow and believe that everything just is. There is no need to fix things all the time. I don't need to fix myself inside using the tool of stressful overthinking. In order to understand my inner state I need to relax. I might not be able to understand everything right away, but I don't need to be fearful, because in the right time I will. Yesterday, I was in a lot of pain. I felt all my emotions of dissatisfaction with life, others and myself very intensely. But then, instead of letting go, I fed into my demon of overthinking even more. Overthinking is my inner desire to know and to fix, to move forward. That is also an underlying fear of uncertainty and unpredictability of life. I don't deal with changes all that well. In that particular moment, I felt as if I'm for sure going to drown in my feelings. The feeling was so real. Now, looking back, I'm realizing that I identified myself with those feelings too much. I got caught up in all the bullshit that people caused me, but that is their own shit to deal with at the end of the day. My hands are clean from lying and other destructive behaviors. I didn't hurt anyone lately and therefore I can sleep soundly. I don't need to feed into my pain. It is painful enough already. The least painful medication for my pain is to let it out. I don't need to fear it. There's no need to fear of any emotion. I didn't hear of anyone dying from sadness. I will stay alive. I will feel a great deal of pain, but I will be alive and even stronger than before for letting myself feel whatever life throws at me. The natural reflex that occurs in me in times of pain is to throw the dirt back on whomever wronged me. Well, I am observing the pattern from my past when I've done that and it never worked. It only amplified my pain because now my hands are dirty too. If someone is in pain there is a big chance that they are tempted to hurt you back. But then, someone has to stop that childish cycle. In other cases, someone hurts you without an intention to hurt. Someone hurts you because their ego overpowered their common sense. The point that I'm trying to reach is that boundaries should be stated clearly instead of throwing more dirt at someone who dirted you and probably feels dirty himself. The second step is self examination. I should give myself some self compassion and ask myself ''Why am I stil in company of someone who hurt me so badly?'' It is because I understand their pain, but is it healthy to stay around that destructive person? Is that person really destructive to me? Because I see a lot of good sides to them too. They are not innately a rotten, bad person. That person helped me a lot in my times of pain and in general. I still value that person. Some questions need to be asked and hopefully answered, with self compassion. I don't need to beat myself up for certain actions or responses that I am taking. I need to figure myself out and realize my desires and needs. I need to be kind to myself in this moment of utter confusion. If you have ever been confused and emotionally conflicted in your life journey, you will understand my struggle and a need to find some inner peace.
  4. Shifting my perspective about love and relationships I am writing this because I am trying to figure out myself. I realized recently that relationships are pointless in a way. I was trying to reach harmony and fulfilment by leaning at the other person. That was WRONG. I need to first reach harmony within myself. I need to love myself. That is why I got in the relationship in the first place. I yearned for love and acceptance because I feel removed from everyone because I am so different in my ways and in my thinking. Then I found someone who I considered my companion because we are very similar. But the whole thing fell apart. Our similarity wasn't enough to make things work. Is it possible to be too similar? I realized how lonely and weird I feel since we met, he helped me highlight those feeling of being lost and alienated. Above all, we have a mental connection that I want to keep. Because it's so addicting. But this person hurt me and betrayed me, made me feel like shit about myself. I know that all the feelings that we have are perceived as something that comes from others, but it actually stems from ourselves. Nevertheless, it's hard to be reminded of those feelings constantly when I'm interacting with him. I have no idea what is the right move and I am accepting the challenge of being confused and not knowing what to do. I hope that the right answer will appear in my mind at the right time. I've been searching for advices online or from my friends but my view of love is quite different and atypical, so no-one understood my struggles and could have give me a constructive advice. Internet is just full of bullshit mostly and trying to find any love advice from there was just a waste of time. It's all full of arbitrary love rules and prejudices about certain actions that people make. I feel so indolent now.
  5. Leo's exercise for self love - first attempt I stood in front of the mirror and repeated a phrase ''I love you and accept you the way you are'' 20 times. It wasn't easy and it didn't sound natural. I didn't even believe myself while I was saying it because my brain kept fighting it with thoughts such as ''how could you love yourself if you said this and that to someone'' or ''how could you love this person who did some evil and dickish things''. It feels even weird to let myself love myself. I discovered a limiting belief that I am not important and that I shouldn't even love myself because that is selfish. Therefore every attempt of loving myself ends up with frustration and anger directed towards myself because I even dared to try. At least I discovered my inner conflict now and I can move forward easier knowing that. While I was doing the exercise I felt as if I finally exist. I am going through my life as a ghost, not acknowledging myself and my existence enough. I am basing my self worth on how productive I am. I love what I do, I love what I create, but I am completely dismissing myself in the whole process, as if I am not important and worthy for only existing here.
  6. Creating the self - love Learning to love myself is my next biggest goal for various reasons. Learning how to silence my mind is connected with self – love. The more I love myself, the quieter my mind will be because I will care about my well being and I will put effort into silencing it. In the past I hated myself even more so I wouldn’t give myself a break and I just kept analyzing the past events that happened to me to the point of feeling completely defeated. My goal is reaching a deep, unshakeable personal peace and my own safe place where I can feel whole and complete. I used to rely on my ex so much to get those needs met. I felt very peaceful with him, but that is not the way to sustain a relationship. I need to gift myself the love and validation that I didn’t get as a child and that I expect to get externally. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
  7. A moralist in me and his best friend ego I can hear a moralist in me talking loudly about life being unfair. He is wrong. There is no fairness. There are just experiences. This is another attempt of ego trying to win this hard battle. My own failure angers me to no end. It frustrates me so painfully. But there is no fairness; I have to repeat to myself. This is just another experience on the path of my growth. Everything hurts me. I am numbing myself again with long and consistent judgments. I am judging harshly myself and others. I have so many judgments and they are slowly killing my creativity. I am putting a value on certain things and demonizing the hurtful actions that people have done to me. That is my ego playing the cute game trying to protect itself. No more, I will say to him and it probably won’t listen, but that is fine because it makes the whole struggle juicier and more painful. I am dying inside. My old self is atrophying gradually day after day and it needed to happen. I lived with rotten beliefs every day of my life. I became a moralist, idealist and a pessimist. Idealism is just another toxic, limiting system of beliefs that is a little bit nicer than pessimism. I used to be embarrassed of my own feelings and a deep vulnerability, but I won’t be anymore. I will proudly open myself up and feel all the pain and joy of this world. I don’t have time for misery anymore. It was high time to wake up and take responsibility for my habits of falling into a depression. That is easy. It is not easy though to be consistent, positive and loving towards myself. I will choose the harder and the happier path.
  8. The limiting beliefs that I was referring to in the previous post are feelings of brokenness and inadequacy. There is also the general self doubt and occasional self loathing. Whenever someone betrays me, I feel removed from reality and I automatically depersonalize. I feel quite neurotic every morning and I just stay in bed overthinking about everything. If I don't have a real plan for my day it is hard to get up, so from now on I will plan in advance every day before falling asleep. Also, I have to fall asleep by midnight.
  9. Retrospections and new insights I am introspecting about my life and I remember being in a depression since I was around 9 or 10. I remember the first harsh experiences with people that shaped my values and my view of the world. I grew depressed then and ever since I kept falling deeper and deeper in a depression and now it seems like I hit another bottom. It is time to make some changes. I see that, through emotional labour that comes naturally with right, constructive thoughts, I am feeling the extensive pain and suffering, but I know that I am laying on the ground on which I will reap my success. This is my time to shine and my chance to break through the web of negative patterns and limiting thoughts. This break up is the holy thing that woke me up from my dysfunctional habits of not working towards my dreams and not living the passionate life that I want. Guilt was eating me up inside for such a long time. Now I am realizing my limiting beliefs about myself and others. I keep judging them and myself. I keep looking for faults in everything and everyone including myself. I am noticing that my body is very stiff and I have a hard time relaxing even though there is no real reason not to relax. My ego wants me to keep shut and closed up. My ego is my own personal prison that I need, want and will break out of. I won’t let my ego dictate my life anymore and I will get everything that I dreamed of.