Milos Uzelac

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Everything posted by Milos Uzelac

  1. Thanks a lot for this, this book will be of intense value to everyone. Wish you more creativity and inspiration when you write more! You supplied me with a valuable map thanks for that, I will start reading the book as soon as I can!
  2. Thanks for saying these motives in advance. I admit I did feel today that I was using in it that sense. But as you said you have to be aware of the subtle traps the ego plays and give to much importance to one habit being a magic pill and interfering that with more difficult priorities in life.
  3. Thanks for the post motivated me as well to take one as soon as I read about your experience. I feel much calmer and my mind even has quieten a bit. But the real challenge is going to be is making this a morning routine before college, but you made me do the first step so thank for that man!
  4. *I have a back voice saying to me that this is my circle of getting in various diffrent activities and sports naively interested and surface level interested in them and unwilling to really work at them and quiting after judging the people leading the program and not trying to create partners in the group that Im with but still this program doesnt feel right and with good intent* *Learning Basic Yoga Postures from a book and setting the time to meditate feels better for me and feels like something that I really want to somehow turn into a carrer to teach people after years of finally dedicating to one thing I have decided to be a part of a group for the first ever NLP course for students in Belgrade which is going to teach them to be practioners of the methodology. The motive that drove me to try it out was of course this channel and website and also the fact that my aunt has finished the other courses for the certificates of master NLP which and that she is considering to be a life coach in some sort of therapy setting, seemed to me as something of real use and support for me in starting a new personal development technique. I havent payed for the courses my grandparents separted the money for the first module and my aunt said that she will pay for the rest. I went to a two day held lecture and after it felt that I went through a mechanical,ritualistic (they sewed a coffee grain and a plastic heart to our scripts and there was this circle of plastic papers that we went around at and then stood at each one with somebody saying an NLP axiom while you had to force yourself to think a about an event with no real emotion behind it) and as a scamy program for students in the sense that some of us went by the initiative of parents, relatives and that few of us are paying for this with our own money. The atmosphere and the lectures didnt feel for me that they were for students more for people starting in business and using this to be effective with communicating with clients. I felt constrained and uneasy while listening to theory that I already heard Leo saying and partially on the internet and there was no explanation of these axioms (are these similar to koans that I must ponder in day to day experience to get an insight from them) it felt like a I was saying a mantra. The assistant who was there looked ambigious and didnt act or tell us important stuff about it like a person who is really developing through this. The lecturer acted a few times like person who is not really living this through heart rather like a salesman. I have written to them that Im not continuing with lectures but since Im writing this for 40 minutes and asking advice Im not really sure then. I have to tell my aunt my decision and she had built up excpectations of this helping me but Im not seeing it in my studies or talking at seminars in college or something other related with it. With all this analysis and keyboard-jockeying to write this I would really appreciate advice because I have a feeling that if I dont continue that this actually a part of my personal vicious circle on the other hand I feel like I would be forced to go if I continue just because of my aunt and not really my effort to develop. It doesnt feel right in its form and legitimate to me thats the main point. It feel like its for success in business and that it scratches the surface in communication with people in other areas of life. I dont have experience of it but this seems the case for me. Did anyone have a similar experience at the begining and how did it turn out for you if you decided to complete the courses and sit at the lectures. Would really like to read it from other people that went through it and step out of the complaint letter which started out at the begining of the topic.
  5. I sensed after I meditated now that Im not letting the supressed feeling of hate and sorrow come up in my awareness. I found out that lotus position mindfulness meditation with labelling really unsurfaces the mess inside that Im suppressing. The intense discomfort and suppresed emotions are much more promnient and surface up faster and are longer present when I meditate in this fashion. Im struggling to once they surface up labell them all and let them be present in my awareness without grining my face and starting to weep and get angry and sweep my arms in discomfort. In couple of instances I felt that they were happening in an empty space but once the insight ceased I reacted at sorrow and started shaking and weeping a few minutes later. Im struggling with the threshold of letting the intensity be without reacting to it. Do I expand and prolong the awareness by repeating this daily and how do I let the intensity be without reacting to it and get myself caught yelling and weeping by my father or someone else (Il have to meditate then when Im alone). Pardon for writing in this manner I just wanted to communicate this immediatly after the meditation. Thank you for reading this.
  6. Thanks for sharing your journey I resonated from much of what you said and still struggle with issues that you went through. It seems like you said the only way is to let go and let my intuition guide me in otherwise emotionally difficult and painful situations. I feel happy for you that you are starting to find inner joy and that you are uncovering the dormant connection that you have with all of life, us. Keep going and inspiring people with your newfound life mission.
  7. Thank you for your gift and resources of amazing quotes!
  8. Excellent maxim!
  9. 1.The scale of ones ignorance is a life-long commitment to uncover and kindly accept but from intuition I comfort myself with Plato's quote: "All knowledge is but remberance" + "of the True self". 2. I recently became aware of the subtleness and the scale of my forgetfullness of the most important things I need to do for growth. Willful or subconsciousness Amnesia for the comfort or suffering as a distraction for my ego. 3. I more aware of the subtleness of which I hide all my actions as unselfish or for the wellbeing of the universe. Im realizing more and more of the hidden depth of how I masquerade my selfishness in interaction with others. 4. I have a mission like all humans to be more loving by developing the capacity to love everyday and to develop honesty to the point that I will finally be curious and will actually want to start asking the hardest question about my existence, my life. 5.Overthinking,analysis and theorizing instead of acting when its needed is what is keeping me stuck in life. 6. Be tolerant and more importantly accept other people as they are because they share the same huge force of the ego within in them.Your ego interprets and litteraly makes you see it,feel it and hear it as a bad trait or evi that is diffrent from your own traits l but it is the same in essence. The only way to accept them is then to unveil what YOU are not accepting within or about yourself. This is what have been thinking and theorizing about but not implementing till now.
  10. Im not really in a position to go the intensives any time soon since I would probably have to be seriously negotiating with my aunt (who I think would be the only one supporting me in doing it) or to some how go in secret without my family knowing it. Also the price would be an issue if my family knew since I dont have my own money but I would easily set aside 150E from my savings if Esman charges that ammount. Nevertheless Im just really glad that are at all intensives being held here since prior to this I was completely ignorant of it so if Esman or someone else held them still 2-3 years from now I would certainly find a way to go to one of them in Belgrade or nearby places. Just one last thing if you maybe know by experience is the price for the intensives that ammount because of the hotel accomodiations and meals or are they charging because of shaktipat?
  11. Thank you for the link bellow I found meditation intensives in my city being organized. You eased me off a lot with that , thank you!
  12. @phoenix666 Hey great journal I was slacking off on writing entries in mine and practicing yoga on my own but reading your experiences motivated me now to start again and not distract myself! Thanks for that and I wish you results in doing these valuable introspections. ?
  13. I am a coward I heard this phrase in my head couple of minutes ago after a hour long sit . I am a fucking coward when I felt cooling down of my body and an intensifying pain in my legs. I was weeping, distorting my face when carried by crying and thoughts and hearing a silent voice in my head saying you are:"You are lying, love and love people". I had sensation in my chest it felt like there was something pumping life or reanimating my heart or atleast the mental image and the sensations of an arthery pumping blood in my heart gave that impression. But the lightning fast spasms that I felt there felt like a process of reanimation of my heart in that moment as I discovered the depth of my lying and cowardice but only pocking the surface level of it.I avoid it with pain and misery as distractions-victimhood during most of one day and this period of my life.THIS is a Distraction I feel I need to love people. The words were simple and clear:"Coward!" ,"You are lying" ,"Love, Love people".
  14. I have decided to start an honest and descriptive journal of my meditations,thoughts,feelings,doubts,insights and difficulties as I truly start to develop, learn about and move myself to self-realization and actualization. I also want to the community to be able to see this and point me to my errors,mistakes and delusions and if they can separate the time give me advice and push me as I will be also obliged to do the same for them ?. Thanks for understanding ?.
  15. 11/9/2017 Im in this type of homeostasis. Forgetful and not being focused , also unreal expectations and pumped up schedules that I sleep over. I have this fake surface-level approach when talking to others of not sharing and not placing value on my own life when Im talking. I dont mean talking only about myself and boring others with my problems , rather setting boundaries of what I have to be doing in that moment (taking notes,reading,meditating,training and fullfiling my comitments) instead of passive noding of the head and listening until I forget and become afraid to just say that I have my commitments that I must fullfil in that moment.Setting boundaries in a conversation according to time that I have and saying what I must be doing at that moment honestly without brashly dumping my "interlocutor" (the person that Im talking to) or being without backbone and starting to lie to him and apologize to him without saying my true intention ( this is my struggle with people: to say honestly when I want and why I want to leave a conversation). I may ease my meditation in the morning to 30 or 20 minutes since Im not willing myself to get up first thing in the morning before people wake up and do a strong determination sit for an hour. I must set proper expectations and fullfil them routinely and not skip days with a SDS and lie to myself that I will magicly muster willpower to make it a permanent lifelong habit at 6 or 7 in the morning. Unreal excpecations and lack of patience I must accept this and stop lying to myself that I am progressing when I am actually stuck in the same loop of behaviour as before or even degressing. The truth must be accepted with the unease and unpleasentness that comes with it and from that feeling and epihany I must truly start to develop useful habits that I will actually do every day for the rest of my life. 20 minutes of vipassana and 2 minutes of metronome concentration-No tangible results or progress, rather a degress in awareness.
  16. Rexamined some old posts and the advice from members of the forum. I acted upon them very little and when I read them I did it for attention not understanding and practice. It's embarrassing that there is key advice in so few words and that I haven't set the time nor my attention on practicing them to get some actual results. A gold mine sitting there open and vacant for a worker. So the goal is to act upon them: 1. A strong determination sit every morning or when an opportunity arises to at least sit in regular position for an hour. 2. Writing a list of my and my judgement of other peoples accepted,good traits and repressed, negative traits for shadow work in my notebook. 3. Remembering to practice the silent approach in my daily life.
  17. 9/9/2017 The sloth and the disintrest in developing and fixing my character by not setting boundaries to people and writing this journal instead of sleeping in and succumbing to comfort are there as always. Why I am using this as a defense mechanism against reality and fate-which is the necessity of all events that happened to me for the wellbeing of Absolute Infinity to put it my way. There is a lot of fear,pain and suffering that is hiding behind my curtain of procrastination and sloth. I sat for almost an hour at 6:40am till 7:40am. I heard Jiddu Krishnamurtis words of taking total responsibility for all the events that I underwent when the sensations were intensifying and becoming painful for me. I haven't sat for 7 minutes more that I set the alarm for since I panicked and got scared when a thought of sitting there forever came up. What I understood and found out during this session that no matter how noble and selfless a thought arises in me I am still mental mastrubating since there is a vast gap of thinking it and actually doing it. It is a defense and a comfort tool in it's own right that protects and tucks in my ego, even if it is a decapitating self criticism because it's a justification and temporary blur that doesn't want to be exposed for what it actually is. A Deception,Clean up tool and Boo-hoo I am depressed and hence won't put myself out for the world and be interested and emotional (loving) to its people and their reason so to speak. A major error also was my denial and adversity to reason and it's necessary and difficult daily application. I've cast out the practical as a distraction not understanding that this stance was actually the distraction and a justification tool for being stuck in my boo-hoo and lazy loop of not giving a fuck about people and their life. Im writing this for the sake of getting words out there since I always distract myself and subtly go through a forgetfulness and tolerance trap ( I will explain this to myself in another entry) in order not to be responsible and involved in life. It's pretentious and self serving in a way and of course boring so I am not expecting people to read it in this confession form. I will do a daily development journal when I muster the will to get myself in a upward line trajection. Till then I want to thank you all for at least viewing and supporting. In this moment I will probably use this most of the time for writing my thoughts because Ive been too lazy.
  18. 5/9/2017 11:10-11:30-20 minutes of concentration samatha meditation. Results: 1.2/10- was unaware almost entirely during the season. I focused on my breathing a few times during it but all in all I was easily distracted and intereptud by the phone.
  19. 4/9/2017 9:18 pm I feel strange sometimes starting every sentence with the word I but I see no alternative yet maybe it will correct itself with a healthier thought pattern. The reason why im inserting a new entry is because I had a slight epihany that meditation is at its core a natural urge like any other ofcourse it must first become that with practice and clarity. Is there a diffrence with clearing your mind with meditation and going to the bathroom to clean your intestines and fulfilling that urge after it. After I did 20 minuts of a samtha meditation just now I realized that there is a must in starting a meditation evualuation in this journal. Maybe like this: 20:40-21:00-20 minutes of samthat meditation. Results: 2/10-was unaware of my breath during a lot of this meditation and I was revolving past events and words of people in my head. A slight lift in my mind was a nice result in the end but nothing else despite that. Will this help in anyway I will think about it.
  20. 4/9/2017 I must write this with non-cleaned dishes in the kitchen sink because I must become aware of the surface level commitment which I do stuff in my life. My father will be home after work and he will be angry at me for not cleaning the dishes if I continue writing this. Is this fear or is this selfish ignorance and sloth that is avoiding to live in awareness of the inter-connectivity of human beings and thier lives. This is a test run of me being focused in writing this the present moment and removing thoughts and mental images of the future from my head. Not successful except from a couple of moments of writing in the present.
  21. 4/9/2017 I did a 20 minutes vipassana meditation with slight movements and adjustments of posture. The main thing is I overcame a great amount of fatigue and resistance even though I didn't meditate long. Nature is always happening in laws and patterns and it doesn't care about my delusions and unsatisfaction. Tha patterns are perfect and I must strive to be inline with them little by little as possible. But the important thing is meditation is overcoming of resistance and rigidity that I create in myself. Great insight after this short session! ?
  22. 3/9/2017 Im going to write this after I had a realization of how much I am out of touch with the dynamics of others peoples feelings and reactions to external reality and events. I am like a wandering tumor of society that acts in defiance and ignorance of natural human tendencies of sharing thoughts and emotions. It is not as if I am detached from it and peaceful with it at the same time. No its a feeling of losing my genuine emotionally and personality completely. I am procrastinating in facing this fear and in setting effort to daily correct the patterns which are detaching me from people. I notice them as daily decisions that I keep repeating out of fear and unpleasant thoughts that guide my behaviour. I will write more later.
  23. 2/9/2017 Today I meditated 2 times for about 30 minutes with the vipassana technique. Im starting to view a meditation session as a training session of getting out of my head thanks to episode about training that Leo made. I meditated yesterday but failed to write anything in the journal so I also must train myself to write to feel better when I post my emotions and thoughts of the day. I wept when I came back from a long stay with my relatives because I caught myself I almost feel like intentionally between the crossfire of strained and damaged family relationships when I got in a debate with my father about what they are saying about each other, my relatives and my family. I tattle tailed almost intentionally even though I know that I would hurt myself and others by doing it. This is happening so subtly and deceptively , that I know Im using this as a defense mechanism against being more emotional and caring (or something even more hidden) because Im wasting time and that It has to be unwired in order for me to self-actualize and move on with my life. I getting some insights about how I must train my behaviour when Im reading Marcus Aurelius To Myself. It is hard to stay focused in present but I must train to continuously go on with my life and expel the darkness from my soul as magnificently he puts it. He also said to avoid becoming miserable by analysing other souls , this perhaps is my biggest struggle in life since Im almost addicted to this. The most trouble and suffering that I inflicted to myself was by analysing myself and others whilst not gathering the courage to act accordingly in a situation that was given by God so to speak. The Gods will give you chances take them, what great magnitude and effort is required not say such a thing in a sofistical manner. The daily tasks to act with greater or less conscience are challenging and Im easily falling a sleep in chatter and thought and forgetting them as the day and events unfold. This to is my great struggle where I must preserver in order to live a better life. I must take this to heart and train to write these journals more naturally as Aurelius himself and his philosopher friend Platonic Alexander did. Couple of these entries weren't natural I feel. I must strive and think of next day and it's opportunities that the Gods always give. I must meditate before I go to sleep.