This is my self-realization/spiritual transcendence/meditation/whatever you want to call it log.
I have been meditating in 30 minutes blocks anywhere from once to 4 times a day for the past couple weeks I believe. My goal is to become fully enlightened. My favorite sage, Ramana Maharshi, said that everybody is already fully self-realized and it is only the ego and delusion that should be removed. Nothing is to be gained afresh. This is my favorite conceptualization of enlightenment. I already know that ultimately conceptualization is useless but for now it can be a useful source of motivation. I will try to snuff out even that
My biggest blocks towards self-realization in my opinion (besides obviously the ego itself) are my attachments to my physical appearance and frivolous sex with random women and my fear of the unknown (or rather my fear of losing everything and dying a cold miserable starving death lol). Somehow, seemingly through the grace of God, I have managed to give up 50 to 80 percent of my attachment to women. I no longer cold approach untold numbers of women for the purpose of getting laid with reckless abandon. I still maintain my appearance with high scrutiny, work out, etc but I really only approach women when I'm already out and about now instead of dedicating most of my free time to it like I used to. I see this as a positive thing, as I am happier and more stress-free now I believe. I think the main reason I was able to give up women as much as I have was because I achieved such a high degree of success with women that most of my insecurities that were driving me to put in so much effort into that area of my life simply eroded away. Rejection usually no longer stings me and I just don't feel such a nagging burning and miserable need for women as an extension of my self esteem. But I'm not a fully enlightened sage yet and I still imagine that I need the sexual release, ego boost, and companionship that women offer me. I'm kind of a pig in that regard (forgive me please) and I'm also terrified of being in a real relationship which is one of the main reasons, among many others, that I left my girlfriend last month.
So, on to the meditation, yesterday in class I feel like a had a small out of body experience. It was very subtle and hard describe. Basically I felt like whatever I was wasn't entirely inside of my body. It was more than just an idea or belief but not very solidly there either. It only lasted for a few moments before I started to feel physical discomfort which made the concentration necessary to further this experience very difficult. The physical discomfort was likely a ploy by the ego to resist discovering something amazing that would render itself obsolete, I suspect at least. This small, subtle, out of body experience was brought about because I was sitting perfectly still in the back of class focusing on awareness the best I could.
This morning as I was meditating on my bed, it became very easy to stay in awareness (as I put it) for the latter half of the 30 minute period. The thoughts were coming up but they had considerably less power than usual to sweep me away from awareness of the present moment. That was nice and led to some level of happiness and peace.
Later I will write about how I went from being scumbag womanizer completely immersed in the world of physical and material desire without any spiritual aspirations or beliefs of any kind to becoming an ascetic over the course of a few months, a phase which only lasted a few more months before I got with my ex and then broke up with her half year later and now I'm here, somewhere in the middle (one foot in each door)... But for now I need to write a paper for one of my classes and study for finals week
Namaste
