Judy2

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Posts posted by Judy2

  2. Posted

    8 hours ago, Yimpa said:

    There are powerful changes that you can be conflicted about, but you do it anyway because you are so set on your values and vision for your life.

    yes of course, and ultimately those are the changes that may end up having the biggest impact

    all i said is if it's something you're struggling with, sometimes it can be helpful to get things moving by focussing on the things that feel more manageable. especially if you're struggling with depression.

    sorry if that's bad advice.

  3. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    i think i can relate a lot

    the idea of "healing" and "health" is associated with a lot of guilt for me as well 

    it's hypocritical of me to say this since i resist it a lot myself, but...the only place where peace can be found is underneath those feelings of sadness, guilt, and regret

    keep looking♡ ....or i guess stop looking so hard and let it be

  5. Posted

    2 hours ago, trenton said:

    @Judy2 thanks for the thoughtful response. I told my grandma about these dreams and she said she had this recurring dream too. In her dream the only toilet is outside and everybody is watching.

    I feel like I actually need to go to the bathroom during the dream. I feel the sensations. When I wake up the sensations are gone and I no longer need to go.

    i think it's so interesting how this is a phenomenon across generations and that so many people have had this specific dream. 

    it's also pretty amazing how the body can produce a physical sensation out of nowhere in the attempt to connect it to the emotions present in the dream. 

    2 hours ago, trenton said:

    When I was in the fifth grade I tried to use a urinal. Another boy came up next to me, put his hands behind his head, leaned back, and winked at me as he peed. It made me uncomfortable and I still don't like using urinals because of it. Stalls give me a greater sense of security.

    yeah i can imagine that it made you uncomfortable. 

    if it provides greater security, there's nothing wrong with using the stalls though.

  6. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    Hey, thanks for sharing.

    it's really weird but bathrooms are a recurring dream theme for me as well. i guess this is somewhat archetypal symbolism associated with feelings of shame/similar.

    On 30/01/2024 at 9:35 PM, trenton said:

    I keep having a similar dream over and over again. They are all dreams about me needing to go to the bathroom really badly.

    out of curiosity and if you don't mind sharing: is this merely an idea in the dream, or can you feel it physically while you're asleep? when you wake up, is the sensation gone?

    On 30/01/2024 at 9:35 PM, trenton said:

    They were people I recognized from school.

    interestingly, this one also happens pretty often in connection with the bathroom theme.  

    generally speaking, school is very special in how it shapes our relationships with peers, whether that's in terms of first shared positive experiences and bonding, or in terms of challenges of relating to one another.

    in this context of relating to peers outside of your family for the first time, (plus perhaps the onset of puberty and changes happening to your body), it's a struggle to try and fit in....to make sure there's nothing weird about you (or your most basic bodily functions) because if there is people might not accept you and exclude you from their social group.

     

    On 30/01/2024 at 9:35 PM, trenton said:

    Nowadays I run to the bathroom very frequently before I have to start holding it. I also drink a lot of water, probably more than I need.

    i heard somewhere that it can be a symptom of anxiety to be overly aware of your bladder and to go to the bathroom more often than you would need to, "just to be safe". it's something i trained myself to do as well.

    On 30/01/2024 at 9:35 PM, trenton said:

    What should I do about this recurring dream? 

    actually i don't think you have to do anything about it. the dream and emotions related to it are completely neutral. you're already doing a good job observing the impact they have on you.

  7. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    ingesting drugs while feeling the way you feel at the moment is, in my opinion, likely to backfire.

    perhaps it would be better to focus on the basics first, stabilise and make your body feel safe? finding a mental health professional to speak with would also be a good idea. 

    also, is there any chance you could reach out to friends or your family, ask for a hug? any chance you could send a text and let them know you're not doing well?

  11. Posted

    5 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:


    @Judy2 It sounds that you understand, that the voice that asks these questions is a voice that is seeking healing. And the healing is by giving validation to yourself, by seeing the pain and validating the pain and giving it place. can you see the hurt girl inside of you? if you can, talk to her, validate her, ask her what she needs, hug her. be for her the benevolent parent that she lacked in her past.

     

    2 hours ago, cetus said:

    @Vercingetorix All good advice. Hopeful she pays heed to these wise words.

    @Vercingetorix @cetus yeah i'm listening:) thank you

  12. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    @Salvijus

    i mean you're not wrong.

    still, i find it hurtful when you demonise what i (and many others) are struggling with by implying it's simply selfish attention-seeking behaviour for the sake of it. 

    it might be "insane" in the sense that it implies a lack of health on my part, for sure. but it's not insane in the sense that it can't be understood or happens without a reason. there is real pain at the root of this.

    what do you think needs to happen to a 14 year old to suddenly think it's a good idea to take a knife and start cutting her thigh?

    and when people tell me now that i'm not even allowed to say i feel hurt...what am i supposed to do, other than to keep showing it?

    saying how i feel when i can sometimes barely get the words out of my mouth is progress. reaching out to people rather than staying all on my own....sometimes i can't do it, and when i do, it's brave.

    but it's true that i probably can't authentically explain this position for as long as i'm still affected in the way i currently am.

  15. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    8 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

    If you truly realized how insane and stupid it is to whip yourself. You'd never do it ever again.

    maybe

    i know on some level that it's pointless, of course. but at some point in the past it was a strategy that i had to adopt because it was the most intelligent way my system knew to protect myself.

    if it was easy to stop i would have ready done so. 

  16. Posted

    2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

    When we talk about beauty, we talk about the ability to get laid.
    You try to get around this problem by losing it in a blurred view of the mind where it is "fused" with spiritual notions.

    actually the way i used the word here (and the way i tend to think of it when i use it in my journal) was meant to be more abstract... like a feeling i'd have about myself, or a sense that my entire character and Being, and the experiences and people "happening to me" are beautiful...although i guess physical beauty is a part of it. 

    like the feeling of being a worthy protagonist of my life....not just the side character to let someone else shine brighter by contrast. 

  23. Posted · Edited by Judy2

    this week i got a new French student to tutor and i'm actually quite enthusiastic about this now.

    turns out i also found a family in need of a babysitter, and now i'll get to look after their two little boys every now and then:)

    other than that i'm super busy and got so much going on all at once, which is kind of overwhelming at times. i've been working on my papers for two months and still can't hand them in because i suck at getting my structure right. i'm also super slow, probably because i'm so scared of messing this up and disappointing my teachers/professors. besides, i'm distracted thinking about what will happen for me after i got my degree.

    i've been praying that the MSc Psychology Conversion route will work out for me, but we'll have to see...

  24. Posted

    i've been trying to feel okay and keep moving in life, but this evening i noticed some sadness in my system and now i'm crying.

    i don't want this to be true but the loneliness thing makes me feel so ashamed and like it's all my fault. a part of me believes that, if i was better, if i was enough, i would never have become such a solitary character... and then this makes me feel sad again.

    no one even cares about me. no one wants me. 

    what's worse is that it seems like my entire unhappiness and about a decade of mental health struggles (or at least the three years after i started recovering from my ed, but still couldn't manage to cure my mind) might very well have been caused by something as simple as a bit of isolation - and that's just way too simple and easy. that's just ridiculous. so much so that it'd almost feel quite lamentable if i went on now, got myself a handful more friends and turned out to be "happy". i've already invested way too much energy into hating myself, i can't just drop that now...