Consept

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Posts posted by Consept


  1. 43 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

    I wasn't saying you were being judgmental I'm just saying we need to get rid of our judgment of the word hypocrite. Why? Because we are all hypocrites. If everyone in here studies and observes themselves HARD ENOUGH you will catch yourself do the very thing you get on other people about. For example lying. We all have told lies out of fear, yet we get on people who tell lies. Then we make distinctions on certain types of lies etc.

    It's this type of self-serving behavior that is at the heart of all that we call evil or wicked. This is why shadow work is so important. We must accept that all human evil in the world we are capable of doing. Unless someone does sufficient shadow work they will be unconsciously a hypocrite in some way.

    Yeah I definitely agree, I think thats whats really meant in the Bible about everyone being sinners and not perfect. It is really hard work to keep aware of all your own hypocrisy but a worthwhile thing to do.


  2. 19 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

    Accepting you are a hypocrite can teach you compassion for those who are unconsciously hypocrites.

    Yes I agree, im not even throwing judgement at those that are unconsciously hypocrites. I think hypocrite as a word is one of those words like racist, where its reduced to just an insult, those that say it are saying it as an insult and those that are receiving are taking it as an insult. I try to avoid saying someone is an out and out hypocrite or racist I prefer to say hypocritical behaviour or racist behaviour, with the exception of if they themselves label themselves as such. As you brought up Jesus he says love the sinner hate the sin which i think is a beautiful way of being or at least striving toward. 

    20 minutes ago, bebotalk said:

    Modifying a rule is normal. That's not hypocrisy. One can say theft is wrong but support it in the case of a starving person.

    I think you dont like the hypocrite label which is why youd prefer being labelled as inconsistent. Which is fine you can do that and i understand it makes you feel more justified to do as such but i think, esp on a forum like this where we're all trying to improve, it would be more beneficial to actively look at where you are being hypocritical rather than trying to justify it. You have to see that no one who is obviously a hypocrite will label themselves as a hypocrite, thats literally the whole point. Hitler would not say 'oh yeah im a hypocrite because i hated the way German people will treated and now im treating Jewish people even worse', he would say exactly what youre saying which is 'yeah persecution is wrong but these are justified reasons'. Religious people who condemn others for sinning but then sin themselves, would not call themselves hypocrites they justify their behaviour whilst condemning others. 

    But i understand its hard to take on this perspective because it makes you seem 'wrong' because of your dislike of 'hot women', as in you cant sustain that dislike and not be hypocritical, so your options are either realise you shouldnt dislike your chosen group of people or change your perception of your prejudice so that its not as bad as other prejudices and its justified. 

    47 minutes ago, zurew said:

    The word hypocrite is much more morally loaded than the word inconsistent.  In fact I would say, one main difference between the two is that the word hypocrite cannot be used without any moral load, but the word inconsistent can be.

    I would say to be a hypocrite, youd have to be preaching one thing and practising another. So like the preacher says how much he hates gay people but then gets caught in a hotel room with a male prostitute. So it implies a moral load just because essentially its someone being deceitful knowingly. Inconsistent is just something thats not consistent, that can be im inconsistent when it comes to the going to the gym, theres not necessarily anything moral, but if i was judging people for not going to the gym consistently whilst myself not doing it, then that would be hypocritical. 


  3. 38 minutes ago, bebotalk said:

    I've been taught that we're owed nothing and that nobody has to be nice, though people can be nice. We can't control others' reactions or behaviours. I myself am black, and most black people or others from marginalised groups would be on guard for any real bigotry. So it fits really, IMHO. It's foolish to expect people to always be welcoming in any space. 

    I don't know if you understand my point, I'm not saying everyone has to be nice and welcoming in any space to anyone, its not realistic. 

    Your question initially is what is hypocrisy. I'm looking at it from an internal point of view, in that, if you believe internally that when people judge you based on appearance, race etc is wrong, even if you accept it and don't complain about it, then by definition you also believe that when you do it to others it's wrong. The only difference is in the first I stance someone is doing it to you and the second you're doing it to someone else. So the fact that you excuse it when it's done by you to someone else but believe it's wrong (even if you accept it) would be hypocritical. 

    It's like black people who believe racism is wrong when it's against black people but are then racist toward other groups of people in the same way that they think is wrong. 

    Does this make sense? 


  4. 3 minutes ago, bebotalk said:

    You make a lot of fair points.

    Though I can fully accept that others can and would judge me on appearance. I may not like it, but I accept it as a reality. 

    Yeah I get that, we all do it of course. But at the same time I dont think you'd say it was a fair way of behaving. I don't know anything about you, but let's say you're Indian, if someone had the opinion that all Indians were rude, you would probably think at best that person is ignorant or at worst an evil person. 

    So back to the original point, although you can accept that someone may judge you, you don't like people doing so. In which case do you not like the act of judging based on looks itself or do you just not like when you are judged? Of course if you don't like when you are judged but are happy to judge others then that's hypocritical. If you say you don't like judging others as a whole but then judge others then yeah that's hypocritical. 

    It takes a real conscious effort to not be hypocritical btw and even then there will still be some blindspots but I believe its something we should strive for.


  5. Hypocritical behavior is basically when you have a principle that you believe should be followed but you dont follow it yourself. This includes inconsistency which is hallmark of hypocritical behavior. I think this is the case regardless of you being conscious of it or not, if your not conscious of it then you just aren't self-aware but it doesnt change the fact that youre being hypocritical. 

    Prejudice, as youve brought up, is a great example as we probably all fall into this at some point. So youre trying to square that you dont tolerate prejudice against any group but you do have a prejudice against 'hot women'. This is the case for most people, on the whole they dont like prejudice esp when directed at a group they identify with but then they may also have a prejudice against another group which they see as justified. Now this is hypocritical because if you dont think prejudice is acceptable then that means all prejudice period, you cant pick and choose. Its kinda like saying, 'murder is wrong, unless you really dont like the person and want to kill them', you obviously wouldnt kill someone you dont like, so the only way to test your integrity of belief is to put in a situation where you would in your case be prejudice. 

    The justification just allows you in your mind to keep your stance while still doing the action that you supposedly dont tolerate. It is hard to be consistent though and takes a lot of effort, basically the classic Jesus golden rule of 'do on to others as you would have done onto you' is a basic way to test your hypocritical blindspots. In your case if you would be happy for someone to judge you as nasty and be rude to you based on the way you look then I guess its fair enough for you to treat others like that, but obviously most people would not want to be treated in that way. 


  6. Got two of these -

    1. When I was 15 at was my cousins place, his family was about to move house so I was kinda helping with that. For some reason, mainly being 15 year old idiots, we thought it'd be an incredibly funny idea to let off a stink bomb in the attic of the house to surprise the new residents 🤦🏾

    So we successfully completed our mission and excitedly I ran across the attic spured on by my equally excited cousin. Little did I know there was a glass panel on the floor. I stepped bang on it and fell through to the next floor, what made it worse was it was old style glass so it didn't shatter so when I fell through shards of glass cut into my arm leg and face. I kinda blacked out but came to with my arm completely open, as in I could see muscle, fat etc. Ambulance came, toon out the glass, stitched me up and after about a year of physio I was back to normal, apart from losing sensation in my forearm and the obvious scars.

    But it occurred to me that the scars could have been anywhere, I was completely at the mercy of what happened and it happened so quick my brain couldn't piece it together in real time. If the glass cut an artery, which was pretty close or hit an organ I might not be around to tell the story. 

    2. Next one, was in Northern Ireland with my girlfriend at the time. We rented a car and decided to drive through the country, which was beautiful but some of the stop signs at crossroads were really confusing, like you'd be driving for miles just straight and then all if sudden you're at a junction. 

    So I was driving along normally, all of sudden I realised I was in the middle of the road, I instinctively put my foot on thr break which was actually even worse as now I'm just stopped in the middle of a road where cars are going at least 50 mph. I realise what I've done and just get the car across the road. We missed the oncoming traffic by at least 10 seconds, although in my head it felt like an action movie, but I was not in control of that situation, a few seconds here or there and that would've either killed us or injured us severly, it shook me up for a while. 

    My ex saw this face of a van driver on the other side who was waiting and he was freaking out when he realised we were just going full speed into the road. 

    But yeah those are 2 times when I had no control over whether I lived or died. 


  7. 28 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

    @Consept What is your biggest relationship-value? 

    Is it attachment-relationship? Is it sexual compatibility? Is it sexual abundance? 

    On what metric are you evaluating women at this point? 

    Another way to put it is - what would be the 'KPI' of your sex-life? 

    We're getting a bit too technical with this now, although thanks for getting involved

    1 minute ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

    Meh, I wouldn't overthink it. Listen to your gut, go with the flow, be spontaneous. Don't force anything, let things develop organically. If you feel like dating multiple girls, then do it; if you feel like spending time with one special lady, then do that.

    These things can be amazingly simple if we don't unnecessarily complicate them.

    I agree, this does resonate with me, I'm going more towards letting things happen and unfold as they do 


  8. 4 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

    @Consept Out of curiosity, what kind of sex-life do you want to end up with? Monogamous or polygamous? 

    Because a monogamous individual would not see the future potential of them wanting to be the only one in the future as a 'problem'. 

    Problems maybe not the right word, but lets say issue that can come up if i want to date freely, even if just temporarily. I doubt i would want to be polygamous, just because its a lot to deal with and im not even convinced that setup works long term, but i wouldnt rule anything out and I guess thats what ill find out in this time. 

    6 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

    The ethical dilemma for a monogamous individual would be 'how do I make her feel secure when I'm single and considering multiple options?'. That's what I was answering. 

    Well i think this more applies if you have a monogamous relationship and you either suddenly start considering other options or you were always considering other options but just didnt really communicate that with her. What ive found is that if youre upfront, they know what the situation is and can chose to exit that situation, it also puts less expectation on you to fulfil that 'boyfriend' role. But as I say I dont think its something id want to do indefinitely


  9. 5 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

    As a man it is the most normal thing to do. 

    I wouldnt go as far as to say that, by definition its not normal because most men dont/cant do it. Obviously it happens but as I said its hard to sustain and when you build any connection with a woman it takes effort, so multiple women is difficult to keep that going. Im more considering it now just because ive come out of a relationship and am usually in relationships so i want to take a bit of a step back and see whats out there. 


  10. Just came across this and almost cant believe it but apparently it exists, its essentially incels males changing to female because they believe women have life on easy mode. When I think about it, it kinda makes sense if you follow the incel logic to its natural conclusion, as in if you believe youre a male 2 or whatever and have no hope because your eyes are slightly too far apart or something, then why not change into a woman who have lots of great benefits just on merit of being a woman. What it shows though is how dangerous and deluded the incel mindset is 

     


  11. 35 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

    Even if you're able to smoothly manage it, you don't want to be in a mindset where the women you're seeing are 'replaceable'. If you're seeing them as replaceable, they will feel objectified. This will repel higher-quality women. 

    Its not necessarily the issue that they dont want to be 'replaceable', the issue is more that eventually, in my experience, they usually want to be the only one, which i completely get. So essentially its not sustainable, also you cant get as deep obviously if there is more than one woman in the picture. 

    Anyway what im leaning towards now is dating freely for maybe a year or until i get bored, in the meantime on dates or mini relationships work out what im looking for, improve myself etc. All the while being open with whoever i date, i put this into practice last week and it was cool. 


  12. You could flip this idea though, as an experiment try and steelman their arguments, even if its complete bullshit try and understand what they believe, what might be true about it and even if you cant find much truth in it, why it might be compelling for them to believe it. 

    For example, those that follow scientology may, theres truth in exploring your mind or bringing dark memories to light could help you, also it benefits followers to believe because they are looking for community or certainty in their lives. 

    I think from what you wrote it isnt necessarily peoples ideas that bother you, its more that you take them on wholesale without contemplation. Of course everyone is going to have gigantic blindspots, especially as, as we are as people like certainty, so when we take on an order we 'know' that its true. We will even argue with others about how our perspective is the true one, what we're really arguing for is a certainty about the world. 

    So i think its good to take on new information, use healthy skepticism and be open to changing your mind. As well do put someone so high on a pedestal that a coherent argument from them solidifies that perspective for you. 


  13. There's a lot of interesting books on evo psychology and things that 'could' be true however they're not necessarily concrete truths more like theories. There are also other factors that come into play, like changing societal standards of beauty. For example we've seen in the western world the ideal of beauty was being a size 0 model in the 90s, where having a big ass was basically a negative, to now where being more voluptuous is in. We couldn't have evolved so much in only 20-30 years. 

    The other point is that, if you find out that a woman that you think is reasonably attractive but didn't really think about too much, is attracted to you, your attraction levels for her will go up immensely. People really talk about this but it's one of the biggest attraction boosters, knowing that someone's into you. Obviously it doesn't work if you're not attracted at all, but if there is even a little attraction it will shoot up. 


  14. 5 hours ago, Razard86 said:

    When Kobe was in the last year of his playing career he finally realized that he never had complete control over outcomes. When asked how he wanted to be remembered he said "To think of me as a person that's overachieved, that would mean a lot to me. That means I put a lot of work in and squeezed every ounce of juice out of this orange that I could." Kobe Bryant

    Yeah thats very interesting and like you, athletes mindsets do fascinate me. I came across this quote from Jordan recently - "I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

    Which makes you realise that to be successfully you really have to fail more than anyone else and so your relationship to failure has to be one where it will never stop you trying. Which is the case with Kobe as well, but its amazing that they can do it at such a high level on a big stage where so many eyes on you, the mindset you must have for that is incredible. Im struggling with just a local league where no ones watching lol. 

     

    3 hours ago, mmKay said:

    So basically, you have a vague unconscious definition of what is a succesfull game is for you, and if the conditions of this definitions aren't met, you automatically call yourself / feel like a loser. It's possible for you to never feel like a loser again, or at least infinitely less often, if you consciously adjust your definitions.

    I get what your saying this is something i need to actively work on as well as not being afraid to make mistakes, it is hyper unrealistic to expect to have 10/10 game every time i play 


  15. 1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

    This is how I observe myself doing the same thing, by hearing others tell their stories. It wasn't enough to view it as what happened, it needed a storyline to make it make sense. Geesh, the egoic mind is deeply embed and it gets deeper and deeper. What will happen 10yrs from now, is something will happen in your life and you will tell the story of how you lost or drew a football game and felt bad about it and blah, blah and that's why you're the way you are and thats why I did what I did, just like you're saying about being anxious and ocd.

    I appreciate the perspective, but I dont think its as far as what you say. As in I dont believe im lost in stories or constantly think about the past, I say this because it is something I did for a long time and have worked hard, therapy wise to overcome it. In fact, the context i added, i havent really thought about for a long time its only because im investigating these feelings that are coming up and so looking at where they may stem from. Same with the OCD, I now work with a charity to help others with OCD, theyve even asked me to work on their helpline, but im slightly reluctant because I find it increasingly difficult to relate to the mindset i had before. I do get where youre coming from though and i think its an important message. 

    55 minutes ago, mmKay said:

    In that case the expectation causing you to feel like a looser is believing you should perform at your peak everytime you play, which is unrealistic for numerous circumstances , and when expectations and reallity don't match , you blame it on your incompetence

    Let me know if that sounds more accurate 

    Yes I think this is more accurate, so I also noticed the converse, if I have a good game I feel amazing and I have to make an effort not to dwell on it and constantly think of it haha. Its so weird how the ego works, it takes credit when something goes well but then beats you up when it goes wrong. 

    But i agree with you, a lot is the expectation to perform which is only put on by myself as there are obviously no scouts or managers watching anymore. 

    23 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

    Interesting, I would say your sensitivity to your emotions is high which means you are good at catching your ego's responses. You asked is it perfectionism and it is, and its also completely normal. Everyone wants things to naturally go their way and we all have to learn over time that the only thing we control is preparation and effort. You could train all day long for a month, step on the pitch, and trip and roll your ankle on the first attempt to do something. 

    A healthy way to deal with this is to always reframe every situation around effort. Was your effort there? Did you do everything within your power to prepare and did you show up and give full effort? If you did there is nothing more you could have done. If you didn't just aim to do that next time. That's all there is to it. 

    This is a good way of looking at it, you can only control your effort. It is hard to let go of the 'ah i shouldve done this' feeling or 'i really fucked up' embarrassment, but i guess its just practice. 

    I have experimented a bit with what you say though, so i noticed that when i feel like im not playing well, i tend to not want the ball and shy away from it, one game i said to myself 'no matter how youre playing, always show for the ball'. I think this is similar to what youre saying and something i just have to work at. Thanks for your input 


  16. 5 hours ago, Eddie A said:

    Firstly, I believe that everything happens for a reason and is God's will. Secondly, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Lastly, there are no mistakes in the universe. Have you ever seen a grain of sand out of place or a misshapen cloud? -Alan Watts paraphrasing.

    Yeah I really like this, thanks for your reply. I do normally kinda have this gods will mentality or at least I'm trying to cultivate it. Thanks for the reminder. 

    5 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

    They are not true. Change the way you see yourself, change the way you view your losses, don't take them personal. Say I will do better next time, practice makes perfect, oh well, it's only a game. Whatever you have to tell yourself, consciously without listening to the mind. See yourself how you would like to see yourself and not what the mind says. You are only feeling those feelings because of thoughts that preceded them. 

    Yeah good points, thanks. I've done cbt before and it's similar to what you describe. The thing is we didn't even lose the game it was a draw, not that it's important, but it's more my mind kinda beating up for not performing. 

    To add context I used to be very anxious when I was younger, I had ocd so I was very within myself. Even so I was still pretty good athletically but I put so much pressure on myself to perform that I couldn't perform or I'd be really hard on myself, my mind basically bullied. I have made huge strides since then, in fact this little soccer team, I'm the captain and I put it together, which is something I would've never done when I was younger. For the most part I enjoy it immensely but there seems to be this lingering fear or thoughts that creep in every now and then, they don't last long but I do notice them and it feels pretty bad. 

    57 minutes ago, mmKay said:

    Why are you supposed to perform decently without rigorous training? Unless you're a specially genetically gifted snowflake, the person with more practice time and better shape will outperform you. Period. You're taking it personally.

    Thanks for the reply. Well I know what I'm capable of, so one week I could perform amazing and the next week I'm terrible, both of these assessments are in my mind and to do with how I feel. People in the game might say I was great when I didn't feel I was or even that I played bad when I felt I played good. So this isnt so much about me expecting to be good without training, its more a sports psychology issue. 

     

    1 hour ago, mmKay said:

    Now given what you've just shared , plus the title of the thread, it seems there are further feelings of shame , disappoinntment and maybe pettiness behind the courtains, that fuel these wrong expectations, while these expectations fuel your negative emotions.

    I added a bit more context in terms of when I was younger above. I guess it was more putting ridiculous expectations on myself. By the way i realise its a bit crazy a grown man putting such inprtance on football, i dont really but it does bring up a lot of feelings sometimes. But anyway when I was young I was basically in the pipeline to potentially go pro or get signed by a pro club at youth level, some of my school team mates did actually get signed and went on to be pros. So we would have scouts for Premier league clubs at some of our games. The amount of pressure I felt was insane, if I heard about the my mind would just go into overdrive, I already had ocd so it would just go round and round and I couldn't enjoy the game and as such would play really bad. 

    It's a lot more cathartic now as I've got a handle on my ocd and I can enjoy it for the most part, but there must be some old remnants of that mindset from when I was young. I also didn't really have a parent coming to games and talking me through these feelings so I was just doing it myself mostly so that probably didn't help as well. 


  17. @Someone here

    Taking it back to the op, i agree with a lot of it. What id slightly disagree with is that for men obviously looks are important, but I think that comes into play for short term dating. As in if a girls hot you want to bang her but you might not necessarily want to be with her long term if her personality is trash. So she might hook you with the sex but she would need more to keep you. Women it's opposite you'd  need personality and something about you to hook her and then you will grow more attractive on her eyes. 

     


  18. Hey people, would appreciate some advice here -

    So I'm not saying I feel like a loser overall in life, it's more like I'll try and do something and feel like I've failed and that I'm just inherently mediocre at that thing. 

    So for example I've recently started playing football (refuse to call it soccer lol) again, which I played all through my childhood and teenage years up until when I was in my late 20s just because of injuries (achillies). After almost 10 years out I decided to play again, it took me a while but I got back to at least an OK level even though I turned 39 last month. We've recently set up a little team and play in a local league, the first game was last night. 

    Now I felt I didn't play that well, no one told me this but I just felt I could've done better. The feeling I got, I can only describe as frustration, a but of self-loathing and this thought of, 'am I just not good at anything?'. I get hit with a kind of fearful feeling as well. I always end up playing again and usually I have a better game and I'm OK but I really want to investigate these feelings I have because it's such a strong feeling. 

    I get these feelings in lots of different realms as I do try a lot of things. Another one is with dating, like sometimes it can really hit me hard if I had a bad  night talking to women or a date doesn't go that well. I don't know if it's a kind of perfectionism, I'm generally laid back and even these feelings I don't really tell people about, so most likely people don't think I'm easily bothered. 

    Anyway can anyone relate or have advice on this?


  19. @Karmadhi I will say that i respect your open to considering my points of view and also open to changing your mind, that is a great quality. 

    34 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

    Then why did they threaten to revoke Benzema citizenship?

    So this issue i have is that your equating incidents that are not even close to comparable. This Benzema example is literally one conservative French Senator saying that Benzemas citizenship should be revoked, which it wasnt. Its one mans opinion that has no legal bearing, in fact it should even prove that freedom of speech is allowed in France because hes being allowed to say potentially anti-muslim things even with a fairly liberal government. This is in no way comparable to Putin has done for those speaking out. 

     

    39 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

    You could loose your job. That is very problematic. Also this 15 year of jail thing is if you go on a protest or something. Not if you post a facebook post. In Russia journalists and political activists get jailed. 99.999% of people are neither of those. So that heavy oppression does not happen to them. Or am i wrong here?

    Freedom to protest and freedom of the press are not just nice things for a society to have, they are essential for a society. Reason being the press and protests can act as a mouthpiece for people, if both these outlets are shutdown the society is completely oppressed. In that situation they have no choice but to go along with their leader or leave the country. So im not presenting it as just a fun thing that you can say what you want freely, without it as a society you do not have individual liberty or even collective liberty. This means that your leader can send you to war for whatever reason he sees fit without any repercussions. You may say that the USA has invaded loads of countries in the past, which is true but for most of them there was heavy backlash which even contributed to presidents being voted out, this is not something that can happen in Russia. 

    Basically freedom of speech and invading countries are not independent variables. 

    But you can make the argument that Putin is a great leader which is fine, maybe some countries need a strongman leader, but you cant simultaneously make the argument that the people in Russia are more free than democratic countries.