soos_mite_ah

Your home country and connecting flights where you stop on your way to your final destination don't count

Travelling to Every Country I have been binging on Drew Binksy's videos for the past 2 ish weeks now. I started with this 1 hour 45 min video about his travels in Iran and I've mainly been watching his longer form content. I guess two weeks into this, I caught myself thinking about my own biases and things that would freak me out. I consider myself a relatively open minded person but it takes a lot skill to go to all 197 countries and take in everything mentally and emotionally. My first thought tbh was how simply by being a woman of color, there are a lot of countries that would be a lot different for me to navigate compared to Drew. As beautiful as it was to watch this video on travelling to various parts of Iran as whimsical the whole experience felt as they explored the culture, I know that the rules would be very different for me especially considering the morality police and the Ayalltola. I'm not trying to make this a limitting belief since I know there are women who have travelled there and are fine but there are extra precautions I would have to take and extra social things for me to consider. Drew also did a similarly long video on travelling to Afghanistan which I have yet to watch but it take no mentioning that since the Taliban takeover, that going to Afghanistan is out of question for me. I have also watched another video about the time he got stranded in Yemen, almost got killed in Chad, and lying to get into Libya I can't imagine having to go through something like that as a traveller and navigating through these high stress situations. I've had a couple of travel mishaps where I had to figure out something on the spot but nothing like this. I know travelling is a skill and that navigating through a 3rd world country is very different from navigating in a 1st world country from the language differences, safety, infrastructrual differences, logistical difficulties, etc. but dealing with dangerous situations face to face requires another level of bravery, street smarts, quick thinking, and more. I know most travel experiences aren't like this despite the fear mongering that you sometimes get from other people but shit does happen and it's important to be safe regardless of location. But I can't imagine going to places like Libya, Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, North Korea etc. willingly. Things that I think will leave me squeamish that I've seen on Drew's videos include the following: Encountering cannibals Going to really conservative countries even if they are considered safe, as a woman eating things like bugs (snails, crickets, larva, worms etc.), brains, animals I would consider pets, eyeballs, balut, intestines, sardines, anything with blood, organ meat, or things that look like snot. I also just generally speaking, am not too excited when it comes to mushy foods. Global poverty to a certain extent: I have encountered a certain degree of that in India from when I was very little but even though I have some exposure, some things are still hard to stomach right then and there in the moment. I'm sure I haven't even seen the worst of it. This isn't something I've seen in Drew's videos but I'm not sure to what extent I would be able to travel without some guide of some sort in a lot of poor, developing countries where I don't speak the language. Figuring out how to logistially plan for something like that feels anxiety inducing as someone who has never done something like that. Gonna be honest, this is a skill issue for me lol Anything involving an active war zone I also found some interesting demographics about world travellers in https://nomadmania.com/people-who-visited-every-country/ . Granted, not everyone who has travelled to all the countries are recorded due to privacy reasons, not being on social media etc. But this is based on the records that are kept. 85% of the people who travelled to all the countries are men, 15% are women "More than half of the women achieving it in the past five years indicates a longer-term equalisation of gender." 87% are white, 8% are east or south east asian, 3% are south asian, 2% are black average age of completion is 53 years "In terms of travel styles too, UN Masters appear to come in all guises. Some achieved the feat while travelling in groups or with agencies who took care of many details. Others are hardened individualists who attempt uncompromising solo adventures. Billionaires who fly on private jets, or those on meagre budgets who have succeeded through getting sponsored by large organisations – UN Masters come with wallets of different sizes too." I also found the LPI (Low Passport Index) section where they recorded people who did this feat despite travelling with less powerful passports. I found that section to be particularly inspiring regarding the drive and dedication these people have. It's already hard visiting every country in the world, it's another thing doing THAT on hard mode. This isn't from the website, but the number of people who have visited every country is about 400-500 people. The number of people who have been to space is 681. And the number of billionaires is 2,781. According to Pew Research "In the U.S., while roughly three-quarters have traveled to at least one other country, only 11% have been to 10 or more." And according to the graph, 15% have gone to 5-9. I have gone to the following: India, Bangladesh, UAE, Costa Rica, U.K., France, Netherlands (7). If you want to also count countries I passed through in a connecting flight, I could also add Germany and Qatar to that list too. https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2023/12/06/international-travel/#:~:text=In some countries%2C not only,traveled to 10 or more.

I’ve been meaning to start a new journal because The Joy Journal is getting too long and I want a fresh start. I also came up with a better title for my journal after a couple months of starting my first journal. I originally went into that one not knowing where my journaling would lead and as a result, I didn’t really pick the best title and I caught myself cringing a little lol. But yeah I’m fixing that problem as well as giving myself a new start since the last journal has too many posts to where I even have trouble keeping up with it and organizing my thoughts.

A Wealth of Experiences After watching Leo's video on When the Left Goes too Far, I caught myself contemplating about the part where he talks about how it's a privilege to be left leaning because of the life experiences you've had and that you have enough material comforts to not be focused on brute survival, which is why you can focus on higher ideals like equality, gay rights, freedom of speech, mental health etc. And while I, as a child of immigrants who has parents who lived through much harsher life circumstances, I am very much aware of the later as I have to manage my ideals and sense of authenticity and autonomy with that of my stage blue/orange parents who have had very different life experiences, values, and opinions due to their upbringing and survival circumstances. I've had to learn, understand, and balance a lot of these types things and see how their upbrining contributes to their world views, and how they're not just simply crazy or dumb. However, while I'm aware of my privelege in survival as well as how being born in an upper middle class family in a major U.S. city plays a role in my experiences, I wanted to explore the wealth I have, not only from privilege, but from my life experiences. I have thought about this in the past prior to me thinking about it in this context. There have been many times over the past few months where I have really taken a moment to appreciate all of the places I've been and what I did there. My parents have screwed up a lot in my upbringing, but one thing they really got right was the emphasis they put on education, travel, and learning how to assimilate into different communities (side note: When I talk about assimilation, I'm not just talking about assimillating into White culture as a lot of children of immigrants feel pressure to in the U.S. Assimilation also means learning to adjust to things I encountered abroad with my family as well as the different communities I have encountered over the years). Visited 27/50 of the U.S. states Went to the major cities in Texas (Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Galveston and you know damn well that I won’t forget the Alamo lol) Went to Vegas Visiting various national parks like Yosemite, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Devils Tower Visited the Christmas towns in Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine and saw the Green Mountains (drove throughout Vermont) Went to California, saw LA, San Francisco, and drove on highway 1 Visited major cities such as NYC, Boston, Philadelphia, DC, Baltimore NYC: saw the empire state building, statue of liberty, mainly stayed in Queens and visited relatives there, visited a few universities I was considering, central park Boston: visited universities, the Kennedy presidential library, went to the Boston harbor and saw a little reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, enjoyed the public transportation system. Saw Gettysburg, various things in Philly DC: went to the White House, Congress, Smithsonian, National Mall, the Smithsonian saw cherry blossom season Baltimore: mainly went there for the Bengali cultural conference and also saw the harbor area and has some good seafood Went to the islands in Hawaii. Saw the volcanos and the beaches Went to Disney world as a kid Visited the forests of Arkansas and explored the caves (and saw too many confederate flags lol) Have gone to New Orleans a couple times, tried the food, and saw the French Quarters. Saw various places that preserved Native American History in New Mexico, Arizona and Oklahoma Went to Roswell New Mexico and saw the Area 51 alien museum and where they tested the atomic bombs Went skiing a couple times in New Mexico. India: Going to Bihar, staying in an ashram for 3 days, doing religious rituals with my parents for my grandparents, and seeing people keep hard copies of genealogical data Going to Kolkata every other year growing up + saw the Victoria Memorial, the Howrah Bridge, downtown Kolkata, and the Ganges River Saw the Taj Mahal, Agra Fort, the entirety of Jaipur, Jantar Manter, and Delhi UAE: Visiting Dubai, the Burj Khalifa, went to the Dubai Mall, went to the beaches and the palm islands Bangladesh: Went to Sylhet, Dhaka, my ancestral home in Mymensingh, visited my dad’s friends and relatives Went to Costa Rica, and saw the rainforests + did a tour of San Juan Europe: Went to the UK: studied Indian history there, stayed in Oxford and London, saw the British Museum, Tower of London, London Eye, Brick Lane, the William Morris House, the Roman baths, the birthplace of Winston Churchill, Windsor Castle, and Parliament Went to France: Saw the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame Cathedral, Versailles, and Remy the rat along with his whole family in the Paris bus stop. I also went to the beach and spent some time in Bordeaux. Went to Amsterdam: went on a cycling tour, went to a boat tour, the Ann Frank House, and out door market, and a place that was mainly populated by middle eastern immigrants. I also went to the red light district and went to a sex show which was interesting. Food Experiences: I have a thing where I try the Mexican food wherever I go as an experiement of sorts Tex Mex California Mexican food Mexican food in DC, the UK, and Vermont Mexican food in places like New Mexico and Galveston Salvadorian food Brazilian food: Brazilian Steak House Brazilian / Italian / Portuguese fusion food Costa Rican food Lots of chicken and plantains South East Asian Cuisine Thai: tried various noodle and curry dishes Malaysian: There is a restaurant that I really like in Dallas Vietnamese: I’m kinda basic but I’ve mainly tried Bahn Minh, Pho, and rice paper rolls East Asian Cuisine Chinese Take out Chinese Dim Sum Sushi: ranges from sashimi, various roll styles, sushi in fancy restaurants, and grocery store sushi Hibachi Ramen Kimbap Korean fried cheese Various East Asian snacks: sweet sandwiches, boba, various chip flavors, Korean fried chicken, anything with matcha, various cookies, mochi The French pastries in the bakeries next to the east asian grocery stores South Asian Cuisine A whole lifetime of Bengali home cooked meals and lessons on how to eat elish maach North Indian and South Indian food Various snack and junk foods Street food Indo Chinese food fusion foods including Korean+Indian and Mexican+Indian Mediterranean Food: Went to Italian, Greek, Turkish, North African, Palestinian,and Syrian places Had gyros, shawarmas, baba ganush, fatoush salad, tabouli salad, Greek salads, various lamb preparations Barbeque Texas BBQ North Carolina Kansas Australian German Korean Brazillian French food: croissants, crepes, the pizzas there, beignets, various cheeses and breads Dutch: Pancakes, stroopwaffles, fish, croquettes UK: fish and chips, meat pastries, Shepard’s pie, beans on toast, full English breakfast Maine lobster + Crab cakes + crab and lobster rolls Tried a lot of seafood in general: fish, lobster, crab, shrimp, crawfish, calamari, squid, mussels, oysters, caviar, fish curries, raw fish, fried The people I have met Grew up in an area of Dallas that is predominantly black and Hispanic with a good bit of African immigrants from the Caribbean, West Africa, and East Africa Would frequently go up to North Dallas where there is a lot of south, east, and south east Asian people Got exposed to a lot of Middle Eastern people through my friends and in college Know a few immigrants from Europe (mainly UK and Germany) as well as people who are connected to their Italian, Scottish, Irish, and English heritage Met some Eastern European people growing up and in college Met a few Jewish people as well as a couple Buddhists, Zoroastrians, Sikhs, and Jains. And of course, I know a good deal of Christians, Muslims, and Hindus who are religious to various degrees and practice various forms of each religion (Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Catholics, Sunni, Shia, Hindus from various castes in the north, south, and east India) Met exactly one person from Central Asia (he was from Kyrgyzstan) Political Ideology Liberals Southern Liberals / Liberals from red states East Coast Liberals Liberals from blue states Conservatives Rich conservatives Poor conservatives Southern conservatives (typically boomers and suburban Karens) Rural conservatives from various parts of the country (ranging from rural Texas, Arkansas, to even rural Maine) The occasional libertarian Leftists Let’s just say that there is a big difference between leftists from red states, mainly from the south and from Appalachia, and the leftists from places like NYC, Boston, LA, and San Francisco, and online leftists Fascists I met a full on Nazi once. I don’t know too many fascists but I do know people who have questionable views that connect to fascist talking points. People who are all over the place due to war trauma People who have survived a genocide, refugees, people who have been influenced by Hindu nationalism, Islamofascism, have a heavy negative bias towards a group like Jewish people or Pakistanis due to the war trauma that they or their family experienced.

My main journal is messy because I pour a lot of my contemplations and thoughts there. I read through the pages of my main journal and took note of the things I have been telling myself that I'll work on to compile a list of my objectives. I'm using this journal as a succinct way of tracking my progress. I'm going to roughly update this twice a month. I want this to be a more clean cut way of looking at my progress so that I don't have to read through my entire journal to get an idea. I normally encourage comments in my journal but because I want to keep this place clean cut, I don't want any comments on here.

The Limitations of Leftist Policies Leo wrote this on his blog a couple weeks back. I also rewatched his video on When the Left Goes Too far. I reflected on this for a couple days and I finally got the chance to journal about it. I bolded the items in his list and I elaborated on them with my own thoughts in blue

@Yimpa It's a thing that people say during Eid, the celebration of the end of Muslim holy month of Ramadan. It's along the lines of Happy Eid.

4/9 4:30 pm: Reflections from Day 30 (4/9) Today is the last day of Ramadan and I feel proud of being able to get this far. I wasn’t as salty about fasting as I was yesterday because I’m going to be “done” today. I put done in quotations because while Ramadan is over, I still have makeup days to do so I’m not completely done yet. Gonna be honest, I’m still not thrilled about finishing fasting. But today, I guess I wanted to be present, acknowledge how far I’ve come, and celebrate that I’ve gotten to the end of this. But there is still that little thing in my head that tells me that I don’t have the right to celebrate since I’m not done and because I had to take breaks. I’m not faulting myself for my period, but this is more so about how I took 4 days off regarding travel, the 1 day I had to break my fast, and how I have a total of 8 days left. And in my mind, 22/30 is like 75% which isn’t great. I’m glad I got through it, but it’s not like I did a great job. However, if we take out the travel (which I planned prior to deciding to / committing to / prioritizing fasting) and my period (which is a valid reason to not fast), I only missed 1 day. And I think if I look at it like that, I did a pretty damn good job as someone who is not Muslim and who is fasting for the first time ever. Out of the 8 days I broke my fast, 7 of those days was because fasting would not have been reasonable for me or my spiritual practice. My period is not something that I can really control and if I knew I was going to fast prior to booking this trip, I would have planned this differently or not have gone (even though I really wanted to go on this trip) and I think that is a testament to how seriously I took this. This reminds me of something my friend said while I was travelling. She told me that I am doing a lot but I am doing it sustainably, but I was in an environment previously where I was surrounded by people who were doing things unsustainably and who were getting rewarded for that. That goes for both travel and work. But I do think that this extends to how I view discipline itself on a subconscious level. I’m living in a world where unsustainable practices and results are what gets rewarded. You have click baity videos online depicting wild things as if they are common because that is what is rewarded by the algorithm, and unsustainable business practices that burn people out because that is what is rewarded by shareholders. You have gorgeous people pushed on you by the media whose full time job is to look good whether it be getting filler and botox, working out 3 times a day, having the best hair, makeup, and fashion experts, and are living off of chicken and lettuce. Because tips from that lifestyle is what gets people’s attention, not something that is more sustainable and realistic. You have people who have extreme diets and exercise routines with dramatic before and afters that do not apply to people who are trying to live a normal, healthy/ active life and who are already doing what they need to do and don’t need to nitpick at their diet. Because you can’t sell things to those people and get them on a treadmill of constantly feeling like they aren’t doing enough in a program that is not sustainable in the first place when what they’re doing is already great. That 5 am morning routine video is going to get more attention and more praise compared to the morning routine where a person wakes up at but is still just as productive as the person with the 5 am morning routine. I don’t have to be working constantly to where I’m doing 12-18 hour days in order to be productive, hardworking, disciplined, and care about my career. I don’t have to constantly move around and act like I’m on coke while travelling to do and see everything I want or feel like I’m making good use of my time. I don’t have to fast 30 days straight if for whatever reason it does not make sense to me. I don’t have to overwork myself and be overly perfectionistic in high school and college just to get into some prestigious institution in order to be well educated/ get the most out of my education, be considered disciplined, and be as smart as or prioritize my education as the people who do attend these institutions. I don’t have to work out 7 days a week and eat a gluten free, nut free, sugar free, oil free, vegan diet in order to have good health. I don’t need a 20 step skincare routine that costs hundreds of dollars in order to take care of my skin. Also, the fact that during my fast I’ve had days where I was sick but I can recognize that I wasn’t sick enough to break my fast and I was able to push through despite not wanting to fast shows how disciplined I was with this practice, how seriously I took this, and how, as another friend put it, I’m standing on business.

4/8 11:00pm Reflections from Day 29 (4/8) I really didn’t want to fast or go to work today. I woke up feeling like ASS. I woke up at 5, drank my water, and soon after I normally am able to fall back asleep but for whatever reason I was not able to. I laid there in bed until it was 9 and I had to go to work. I kept thinking of calling out of work at around 8 but considering the amount of sick time I have left, I don’t want to spend it all early in the year. God I hate the concept of sick days. Why can’t we be like France where if you’re sick, your sick, you don’t have to have a doctors’ note nor do you have a specific number of days you’re allowed to be sick. And because I’m not feeling well, I didn’t want to fast either. In the morning, my throat was dry and scratchy. By the time 9 am rolled around, it got significantly better. I told myself that if I didn’t feel better by 10ish that I would break my fast for health reasons. If I did feel better, I will continue fasting. And even though the later ended up being true and I kept my promise to fast, I was still salty the entire time I was fasting. But I guess in the end of the day, my desire to do this practice correctly and honestly and stick to it to the end of Ramadan (which is not that far away) outweighed my desire to skip fasting. I already have 8 days I need to make up. I don’t want that number to extend into 9 or 10. Despite starting work at 9 am, I decided to take my lunch break at 11. I needed that early lunch / nap break and I think that helped my body recuperate a little to where I was a little bit more functioning throughout the day. Also, because I’m sick, I found myself reflecting on my health and the way that fasting has done a number on me physically. I miss being able to function normally. There were many moments throughout the day that I honestly wanted to cry because I was exhausted by the practice. But I didn’t. I stuck to it. And I have completed the fast for today and most of my responsibilities. Here are some aspects of my physical health that I miss and cannot wait to get back to: A stable sleep schedule: I’m so tired of waking up at 5 am and having a ton of energy at like 12. As much as I am naturally a night owl, I do miss the structure I had and my ability to function throughout the day. Stable energy throughout the day: Similar to the last point, I hate having a burst of energy at the end of the day when I need to wind down. I miss being able to do things in a timely manner. I feel like I waste so much time in the afternoon just rotting in bed before Iftar that I could be using more efficiently. PCOS /hormone regulation: I feel like my hunger cues are all over the place and that my PCOS symptoms that are typically controlled by my birth control is getting so strong that it like seeps through the birth control. I’m breaking out. I’m growing hair where I normally don’t and I barely got my period this month. Normally, my period is pretty light when restrict food due to my toxic diet culture habits, but this month it was bad because I’m just not eating enough. Immune system: This is like the 3rd time I got sick this month. Granted, I wasn’t like full on ill to where I couldn’t fast but I feel like my immune system has really been compromised because I’m simply not eating enough. I miss the energy I had to work out and enjoy my body. The bed rot hours are affecting me mentally. I miss the time and energy I had to be sociable. I normally don’t get the energy to do much until like 8:30 pm and before that I really don’t want to talk to people. I also feel bad about isolating myself. Ability to focus: I miss being able to focus at work and get what I need to get done in a timely manner. I’m still getting what I need to get done but often times, I need to work outside of work hours. For example, instead of being able to work consistently from 9am to 6 pm, I can only focus til about 3 pm. I still stay online just in case anyone calls me but I know damn well that I’m not getting anything done until after I eat so then I wind up finishing up my work from like 10 pm to 12 am. In conclusion, while fasting itself wasn’t hard today, I very much felt frustrated, antsy, and impatient because I’m just over it regarding how fasting has been fucking with my body.

4/8 4:45pm: Reflections from Day 28 (4/7) Today was another bed rot day. I still felt sick during this day and my sleep schedule has been messed up. The only thing that got me to get up and be a functioning person was that I was going to meet up with a friend later that day and we were going to break our fast together. I got to try some new food and that was nice. And I felt significantly better after eating, as usual. I really don’t want to fast anymore. That’s all that I was thinking during this day. And it wasn’t even because I was hungry (I don’t have an appetite since I’m sick), thirsty, or even low energy rather it was more so that I got sick and while this would have been a minor thing in a normal circumstance, it feels like it’s lingering. I know it’s a thing that when you cut your calories too low that your immune system gets weaker. The main reason why I am going to keep going until the 30 days are up is because I want to stay true to my word, I don’t want to add to the makeup days, and because I’m already so so close to the end. I just kept telling myself that it’s just today and two more days and then I’ll be back to normal. I think before I do my makeup days I’m going to give myself a few days before I start fasting again. Especially since I got sick, I think my body just needs a few days to recover. I’m not sure how I’m going to do the makeup days but I do know that makeup day 1 isn’t going to be 4/10.

I'm just wondering what you guys are up to and any success stories that are life purpose related.

4/6 6:40 pm: Reflections from Day 26 (4/5) and Day 27 (4/6) Day 26 (4/5) was easier than the day before because my throat wasn’t really sore. However, the lack of sleep was messing me up. I slept from 5:30 am to 9:00 am and then took a nap sometime in the evening. I felt a sense of nervous energy midday similar to how I would feel during exam season in college. I’m sure it’s the combination of lack of food, sleep, and the drive to be productive. Normally, in these situations, eating something high in protein and fat can help calm down physiological symptoms of anxiety (don’t know the exact science but I know it’s a thing and that it does work for me) but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do that. I took a nap instead after work and I felt dead as usual in the 2 hours leading up to dinner. Day 27 (4/6) has been the epitome of a bed rot day. Part of it is that I feel sick and the other part of it was because I was so productive yesterday that I basically just needed a day to chill. Today it was hard to wake up at 5 and drink water because my body just wanted to sleep so bad. Also, while I don’t have a sore throat or a fever like the last couple days, my sinuses have been KILLING ME!!! The night before I felt an intense sinus pressure on my teeth (it’s honestly the worst feeling) and it took me forever to fall asleep. I also had to be a mouth breather for most of the night. And because I was breathing from my mouth and the air is coming inside me via my mouth an throat, my throat has been feeling really dry and when I drank water at 5 am, it didn’t feel like it helped much. This morning was the morning that tested me the most. I really thought that I had to break my fast today because of my throat issues. But then after going to sleep at like 5:30 and waking up at noon and then waiting another 2 hours, my sinuses calmed down just a bit to where I was no longer had to breathe through my mouth. I think that helped significantly. So I decided that I was indeed going to fast today. Today was easier in the sense that normally when I’m sick I don’t really get hungry. It’s like an hour before dinner and I haven’t really felt hungry all day. I wouldn’t say I felt thirsty either but in the times when my nose would clog up and I had to breathe from my mouth, I just felt really dry. I was thinking of running to Walmart to get some medication for this sinus infection. But then I found some medicine in the bathroom AND IT WASN’T EXPIRED. I thanked god and then decided that I don’t need to go to Walmart. Honestly, I’m not even excited to eat food during Iftar, I just want to take my sinus medication lol. I really had no energy today due to me working super hard yesterday with a lack of sleep, me being sick, and me not eating. Literally my whole day has just been me in bed, sometimes sleeping or when I’m not sleeping, watching videos on YouTube. I know that I’m not supposed to be fasting when I’m sick. Granted, I don’t think I feel sick enough to where fasting would be a detriment, but I will be honest, as someone who has like 8 days she needs to make up, I’m really don’t want to add more makeup days, especially since I have gotten to day 27 and have 3 days left. Honestly, I really want to power through these 3 days and then worry about tackling the remaining 8 in a pace that is more sustainable for me.

4/5 2:40 am: Reflections from Day 25 (4/4) This is my first day fasting since my little break. Today was hard. I think my body just has to adjust again to the fasting though I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as the first 5 days of Ramadan. Today was hard because I caught a little bit of a cold from Austin. I was a little sniffly, had a scratchy throat, and a headache for much of the day. I also couldn’t focus on work to save my life. I also threw up a little because my stomach was acting up since nothing was in it. Lets just say I couldn’t wait for dinner to come back to life. I had dinner and I felt alive again. I also had some cough syrup and as I’m writing this I’m feeling much better. I pulled an all nighter of sorts because I had a lot of work to catch up on (because basically, I was doing the bare minimum at my job today and I don’t want things to pile up on a Friday). This was mainly work for my job but I also had some personal matters to tend to such as finishing The Power of Now, and writing my journal posts. Tonight I was really just trying to work with my irregular energy levels instead of against them. I’m not looking forward to the work day though. I’m just gonna hope that the caffeine I had in the middle of the night and a nap during my lunch break will help me out. I was really productive tonight and honestly it felt worth it. I had enough fuel to focus and also working in the middle of the night almost helps me be more present (and as a result focus on whatever I’m doing) because time feels fake and like the void. I also felt nostalgic pulling an all-nighter. It brought me back to college and the times where I was really focused and determined to get things done. It has been nice getting into that flow state. I broke my promise to avoid caffeine during Ramadan. Granted my original thought process is doing this so that I don’t become reliant on it so the purpose of this goal has been achieved. I think it’s alright if I do drink caffeine so long as I’m not using at as a crutch to get through fasting. I also caught myself feeling a little guilty about my eating habits from the day before. I wouldn’t say that I ate a lot but I will say that I felt like I lacked the self control that I was building during Ramadan. It felt like the exercise of fasting was all for nothing. Then I reframed this situation by telling myself that it’s natural that my body is trying to compensate for the days where I was probably not eating enough. That isn’t me “lacking in self control”, that’s my body trying to make sure that I’m properly fueled and nourished. I shouldn’t shame myself for wanting to entertain my whims to eat a little snack here and there in the same way I wouldn’t shame or call someone who ran a marathon the day but spent the whole day today sleeping lazy. I think if I’m going to see the long term effects of fasting, the first few days won’t necessarily be the best representation in the same way that if you ran a marathon, chances are you’ll be too sore to do much the following days and the way you perform on your work outs wouldn’t be the best representation on the progress you made running and training for a marathon.

4/5 2:15 am: Reflections after Day 18(3/28) through Day 24 (4/4) From 3/28 to 3/31 I was travelling to Washington D.C. to see the cherry blossoms and to spend time with some friends. While travelling over 100km can exempt one from the fast, I decided to not fast on these days since I planned this trip a couple months in advance, well before my decision to fast. My friend and I also planned for me to come over during this time because she knew that she was going to be on her period on these days and that she will get a break from fasting, thus giving her the time and energy to spend time with me. I was a little sad on Thursday. I didn’t like breaking my fast and part of me thought that I could still fast for Thursday and Sunday if I really wanted to. But just because I could, that doesn’t mean that I should. Later in this trip I realized that fasting would have been unsustainable for me and why travelling is one of the exceptions for breaking the fast. I was walking a lot in D.C. and I was really active during my stay there. Fasting would not have been physically sustainable for me in the slightest. Upon this realization, I believe that the reason why travelling is an exception to fasting is because of the way that travelling can take you out of your routine and how that can impact how sustainable and healthy the fast is. Ideally, you would want to sustain the fast or avoid travelling in Ramadan altogether to focus on your spirituality, but if you must travel for whatever reason, it’s understandable to take a break during that time. I think that the 100km requirement for travel in order to make breaking the fast valid is a bit of an arbitrary number. I think the point is that it needs to be far enough away to disrupt your routine (or perhaps even cause complications with time zones). Like you can’t just go to your friend’s house across the street and say that you’re breaking your fast because of “travelling” for example. From 4/1 to 4/3 I was on my period. I was a little annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t fast because I already missed 4 days in a row due to the trip and now I am going to miss another 3 days. I’m not looking forward to prolonging the fasting by having to make up a ton of days in the end. I’d rather just get it done right once and for all. But I mean, I just reminded myself that I’m skipping days for valid reasons. I would have had to skip 3 days for my period regardless and I didn’t know I was going to be fasting when I was planning this trip. I also only broke my fast once this entire time with no valid reason. So, if we’re only counting that one day that I just couldn’t make it, I think it’s safe to say that I’m doing pretty well for my first time fasting and that I’m making an honest effort in this practice. And the fact that I’m willing to make up these days, even if I don’t really want to, also goes to show my dedication for this practice.

3/27 7pm: Reflections after Day 17 (3/27) I woke up pissed at 5 am because of my water drinking ritual. I kept thinking to myself how I can't wait to take a break from fasting just so I don't have to wake up at 5. Then I woke up pissed at 7. Normally I wake up later on Wednesdays because my work day starts at 9 but I woke up earlier to finish packing and clean my apartment because I know that coming back to a messy apartment after being away would annoy me and I wanted to do something nice for my future self. This day was just busy and I think because fasting has been easier and because I was distracted by all the stuff I needed to do, I wasn't paying attention to the hunger. I was mainly preoccupied with packing for my weekend trip and for getting ready for my flight the next day. I was also excited to not have to wake up at 5 tomorrow.

3/26 10pm: Reflections After Day 16 (3/26) Today like yesterday wasn’t too bad. The only challenge I did have today was that I had somewhat of an upset stomach. I had a really bad stomach ache in the morning. And then for the rest of the day, my stomach didn’t hurt but it just felt a little weird and bloated. Normally in this situation, eating like a slice of bread helps because I think my stomach does weird things when I’m not eating enough and it’s been empty for too long. I think I did make a good decision in eating a little something in the morning for breakfast though. I felt very at peace and present today. I think I’ve come a long way in terms of embracing me being low energy and more reserved rather than bubbly.

3/26 10 pm: Reflections After Day 15 (3/25) I’m excited that I got halfway through Ramadan!!!!! Today was pretty easy. The only issue that I encountered was that type of dry mouth where your breath feels like it stinks. But after a while, it wore off. I am noticing some body image issues come back up. I feel like I lost some weight and I found myself body checking a few times today. I want to be mindful of this going forward because I don’t want fasting to be tainted with my vanity and insecurities that corrupts the spiritual benefits I gain from this experience. I journalled a lot and studied a lot today and the last couple days so I find myself feeling a little creatively depleted because I have produced a lot.

3/24: Reflections after Day 13 (3/23) and Day 14 (3/24) Day 13 (3/23): Much of this day was me binge watching Leo’s videos on society, government and politics. I think the reminder was necessary since I have been taking a break from spirituality. And while I did develop myself considerably before going on my break and I have been able to hold on to the development without getting completely sucked into society’s shenanigans, I think these videos helped me come back to center, back to the big picture, apart from the typical stage Orange and Green I find myself in. That said, I did feel exhausted after taking in all of that content since the videos are pretty long and dense. This day was also a big journalling and contemplating day for me. When I woke up, I really wanted to go to a coffee shop as I normally do when I’m in a mood like this. But since I’m fasting, I couldn’t go. I miss just chilling in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning/afternoon. I also feel like I’m craving taking myself out on a date. I want to take myself out to a restaurant and be in my own presence outside of my apartment for lunch or dinner. But my fasting time really restricts my ability to do that. I know this fasting is temporary so I don’t feel too bad about it but I do think I’m going to celebrate and appreciate the little coffee dates and dinner dates I have with myself. Later in the night, I caught myself feeling pretty sad. I think a large part of it has to do with my sleep schedule getting fucked up. I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. I felt a little guilty initially since half of my day went by but I forgave myself since I’m pretty sure my body needed that rest since I’m not feeding it as much. But unfortunately, I ended up staying up til 2am not being able to sleep and my mind went to weird, depressing places. Here are some things that came to mind: My sleep schedule is fucked I feel lonely platonically and I feel like people won’t notice if I dropped off the earth for like 4 months. I haven’t been keeping up with my friends in the last 3 ish months and I feel bad about that. I’m realizing how intellectually lonely I am I’m realizing how mu current boyfriend is not my husband and even though I thought that for a while, it’s still hard to come to terms with Fasting is hard and I don’t want to do it anymore but I have 2 weeks left I neglected my volunteering job My eating disorder is being triggered and I’m body checking My period will be here in a week or so, which is why I’m feeling sad in general I wish I could just take myself out on a coffee shop date. I feel like that wouldrefresh me. I don’t like being stuck in my house this much. I kept telling myself that my thoughts aren’t reality and that my brain is trying to convince me that everyone hates me because it needs to go to sleep. I remember dealing with these negative thought spirals late at night especially when I was a teenager and I recall that often that just going to sleep and waking up the next day solved most things. And lo and behold, I felt much better the next day. Day 14 (3/24): I let myself sleep in but I made sure that I woke up at 10 am to avoid falling into the trap of fucking up my sleep schedule and going into a negative thought spiral. I also caught myself thinking how for the next two weeks, the challenge isn’t going to be the lack of food and water, it’s going to be the way that my mental health has been affected by the fasting. Lately I’ve had moments where I’ve been feeling hangry or sad along with being generally low energy. I continued on my Actualized.org content binge. I finished the videos I wanted to watch and I came up with a spiritual curriculum for the rest of Ramadan. Day 1-6: Journal and meditate regularly + find a routine that works for you. Day 7-14: watch actualized.org videos and review my notes / journal entries Day 15-18: focus on researching / re-evaluating my life purpose Day 18-20: re-read The Power of Now Day 20-30: focus on educating myself on the history and practice of Islam (I’ve been doing this the entire month of Ramadan but I want to focus on it more now since I have done the other stuff) Make up days: TBD I also felt much better after going to sleep. I also got to talk to my boyfriend about some of the stuff above and I felt much better.

3/23 1pm : Day 12 Reflection from 3/22 Today felt significantly easier than the day before and even the days prior to that. It felt easier to fall asleep the night before because dinner wasn’t the only meal I had. I also managed to eat two slices of bread with butter and an egg for breakfast while I was drinking my water and I’m sure that helped as well. I got to talk to my friend in the evening. We caught up just in general but I also told her that I was fasting as well. I’m glad that I told her since she was so supportive and we got to talk about Islam for a little bit afterwards. She told me that she’ll get me a book that talks about the historical significance of Islam and how it evolved so I’m pretty excited for that. I started getting a little sad today when it came to the topic of friends. I feel like this year so far I haven’t been focusing on my platonic relationships as much. I had to deal with some health issues in January. In February I was pretty stressed with work. March has mainly been Ramadan so it’s like I can’t do much during the day and I’m tired all the time. I feel like the problem and I’m afraid that people are going to drift away from me. I wish maintaining friendships were built into adult life in the way that it is built into your life when you’re in school rather than it being something that you have to go out of your way and plan out in the side instead of living life along side one another. I also had a sense of intellectual loneliness wash over me since revisiting the spiral dynamics series. I know stage yellow is relatively rare and I think it was good for me to step back from the model so that I can relate to others and not have their spiral level be a limiting belief for me. I would put most of my friends as well integrated orange and green. Some of them have some blue as well that they are working through or are working on integrating in a healthy manner but the blue that is present is not to a dysfunctional degree. I think this combination can look and feel like yellow because yellow is when you see the value of all stages and are able to integrate with them. I also think hanging out with people like this has also been helpful for my growth because I think it’s good to know how to deal with people across the spiral to be a spiral wizard. At the same time, being a well-integrated person from tier 1 is different from being in tier 2. And the way that this manifests in my relationships is that while I find myself being comfortable with and finding emotional community in the friends in my life, I don’t think we’re very intellectually compatible. As a result, I think I have a tendency to be chronically online in an effort to get that need met. I was thinking about the topic of phone addiction a few weeks back and basically I have come to the conclusion that I’m not addicted to my phone and social media rather it just fills the void that otherwise would have been filled with socializing and being in community. Because I can go days without really checking my phone and not have an urge to at times when I’m booked, busy, and hanging out with people. And after those days, I find myself thinking *wow, today was a good day, I’m glad I didn’t dissociate in front of a glowing rectangle. I love touching grass lol* But that is not the case when I’m just by myself. Then I started thinking about the types of content that I typically consume and that’s when it hit me that I use social media as a way to get a sense of intellectual fulfillment that I don’t really get as much from my social circle. I also started thinking about what all of this means about my current romantic relationship. I love my boyfriend and we have a really healthy relationship but one of the main things that gets to me is the fact that we aren’t intellectually compatible. He’s very smart in a hands on, technical way and I’m more smart in a traditional academic sense. Which is fine, hell that’s one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place because I loved a man who was smart but is very different from me. But as time has gone on, I feel intellectually unfulfilled in this relationship and while I am happy, I don’t necessarily feel fulfilled over all. I’ve been trying to figure out how important intellectual fulfillment is for me in a life long partnership. I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend and we have ways to combat this but it feels like we are coping with the situation rather than fixing the incompatibility, because you can’t really fix an incompatibility without forcing change in another person. And after considering this and the spiral dynamics series, I think it’s important that I have a lifelong partner who is not just a well-integrated orange and green, but a partner that is yellow to push me to grow and to be intellectually compatible with me. I don’t know how to feel about this realization just yet. I can’t help but think about how while I don’t feel intellectually fulfilled in this relationship, I do feel very emotionally fulfilled, cared for, and safe. This is a happy relationship and it makes me sad to think about the end. I know that if we breakup it would be because we have diverging paths on how our life is going and I don’t want either of us to sacrifice our long term happiness and fulfillment for the sake of preserving the relationship. I know that if we breakup, it would be on good terms. But the thought of that still hurts. I’m really grateful for working from home during this fast. I feel like it’s been huge that I can take naps during my lunch break and that I can lay down under a blanket and do my daily tasks and take breaks as necessary instead of doing the performance of professionalism at work.

3/21: Day 11 Reflection 11:31 am Today has been shitty so far. I got scammed on my credit card. I had to deal with new things at work that aren't working too well. And I was feeling nauseated from earlier in the morning and I really want to eat something so I feel physically better. I feel like my mood for the last couple of nights were me being very unfocussed and kind of sad before I went to sleep. I just feel really all over the place and I want to eat something comforting. I can’t wait for the clarity I will get after Ramadan when I have the mental space for something other than worrying about food constantly. I know I said that the last few days were easy, but today I feel really neurotic. I keep sniffing this loaf of bread I have and I feel crazy. 3pm: I broke my fast. I was feeling very erratic since the last time I wrote (but if we’re being real since like 10 am). I was all over the place an hangry. And I couldn’t for the life of me calm down, sit still, and get myself to focus on one thing. I know I was writing about how earlier I was just having a shitty day, but even when those feels subsided, I still felt crazy. I didn’t break my fast because today was getting emotionally difficult for me and because I couldn’t regulate my emotions. Rather, even in my regulated state, I felt very erratic and dysfunctional. I had to remind myself why I was fasting. I have been fasting as an exercise in gentle discipline. I have also been learning how to be more gentle and patient with myself as I have been prioritizing my life and as I have been taking a slower, more mindful pace. I am doing this to reconnect with my own sense of spirituality by diving into this particular spiritual practice to kick things off. I’m doing this to gain more empathy for the Muslim people in my life and what they go through when fasting. I’m fasting out of a general sense of curiosity that dates back to when I was a child and I watched my friends’ parents fast, and then later I saw them fast. I decided to break this fast because for me, I feel like continuing to fast would be denying myself the gentle discipline necessary to build self discipline for myself and for this practice. It felt painful rather than just uncomfortable and it didn’t feel sustainable to fast until 7:42pm. I also don’t think it’s healthy to take a perfectionistic approach to this and I don’t think that it would benefit me spiritually. This is my first time fasting and I’m bound to slip up here and there. It’s not an invitation for me to shame myself even though I’m bummed out for not being able to make it til sundown and that I slipped up right after celebrating being able to fast for 10 days straight. I’m reminding myself that hey, the people my age who are fasting, odds are they have been fasting every year for about 10 years now (assuming that they started at 14). They have practice in this, I don’t. And it’s understandable that I’m not going to be perfect. It’s clear that I’m trying (I’m planning on making this day up in the end). It’s clear that I can push past the discomfort and get to the end given how the previous days went. But when I was thinking about breaking my fast, it was also getting clear that continuing to push myself when I simply can’t, it’s not bringing me closer to the spiritual intentions I have set for myself in the beginning of fasting. Fasting is a tool, it’s not something that I’m holding on to as a dogma. If anything, I think choosing to break my fast was an empathetic and gentle thing to do in this circumstance. I think admitting my limits has been an act of humility towards this practice and in the face of people who partake in it. I admit, I have some learning to do and I’m getting better over time, and fasting is no different.

Thank you, I appreciate. I also appreciate the time you took to have a more detailed answer in my journal where I go into more depth of why I feel hesitant with Turquoise. I agree, I always felt like Turquoise felt more vague compared to the other spiral stages since there isn't as many examples of Turquoise and because most of the examples that are there if I remember correctly had to do with nonduality, meditation, spirituality etc. while the other stages had examples in spirituality, economics, media, pop culture, etc. And that's understandable because the world has yet to evolve that much. I guess that's another thing that I'm coming up against where I feel like *let's not fix something that isn't broken* in reaction to growing from yellow and green because humans grow with their environment and influence their environment to grow and vice versa so it feels like I'm trying to adapt to something that doesn't really exist yet on a wider scale. I was using the spiral much more so to track my growth over the last few years and I also find myself hitting against a wall to where even though I resonate with green and yellow, I have worked through my own kinks and limitting beliefs to where I don't really resonate with the excesses and unhealthy manifestations associated with the stages, hence why to peg myself more accurately, I have been focussing on lines of development instead and taking that information loosely. As for the hardcore spiritual work, I guess for me it would be good to figure out what degree of spirituality works for me and that I find fulfillment in which can change as I move into different stages of my life. And if that's not what I'm authentically into, that's perfectly fine but I am seeing myself getting back into my own sense of spirituality and spiritual practices lately. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of Leo's video on The Ultimate Guide To Happiness - How Happiness Works and how he goes into different things you should think about regarding your preferences on having a happy life. If I remember correctly, there was a part of the video where he mentioned that for most people, meditating in a cave for days and not using your mind isn't the path to happiness and that while this works for hardcore monks, for him specifically he needs more intellectual engagement and creativity than just meditating because or else it feels like he's just sitting there like a vegetable. I agree. I don't think that I'm trying to "win by developing as much as possible." I can see the value in all of the stages and if I stagnate at yellow, that's perfectly fine by me. Moving up the spiral isn't inherently good. Hell, I think you can even stagnate in the lower stages and so long as it's healthy manifestation of that stage, it's all good. But while I don't think there is anything wrong with staying at a stage and enjoying where you're at, I just wanted to check in and make sure that it's not coming from a place of complacency or demonization of a higher stage because of biases I might have of it.

Has anyone faced not wanting to move to Turquoise? I have been working on various forms of integration for a while as well as learning how to relate to and deal with people across the spiral. I also get a lot of joy out of self education. Personally, I feel like I'm in a good spot where I am content and I feel at peace with my life so as a result, I'm not feeling this push towards transcendence. I also feel like the parts of me that is yellow / green are manifesting in healthy ways to where I'm not really dealing with a lot of the excesses and limitations of the stage since I have worked through them already. Basically a part of me doesn't want to fix what isn't broken. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking to pace myself in my self development and I see the value to moving into Turquoise. I'm just pacing myself lol. But yeah, has any of y'all felt kind of a resistance towards Turquoise?