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  1. RASA Report: LOC 565 to 675 (3 Sessions)
    RASA Report: LOC 565 to 675 (3 Sessions)
    After @LfcCharlie4 started his thread about RASA and LOC I was so curious about the transmissions, that I booked three sessions via skype in Germany – I live in Munich. Before my first session I had 1,5 years of spiritual practice (meditation and yoga) every day for 2 to 2,5 hours. My initial LOC was determined at 565 by the RASA giver.
    First Session (LOC 565 to 590)
    First I was chatting with the RASA giver about my path so far and how I learned about RASA for one and a half hour and then I received the transmission for 15 minutes.
    During the session I was still very sceptic about the whole thing, but then I started to feel some tingling in the head area and my mind became quieter. But the real shit began after the session, when I tried to meditate. I just couldn't focus on the breath (I do TMI meditation), because my head was partly so empty, that I had no choice, but to just let happen, whatever occurred. My mind and body felt like 'something' began to 'work' in me or rather something started to expand 'in me'. Some part of me tried to resist the process, but after a while I just let it happen. Suddenly I felt this strong urge to purge myself physically and mentally of everything, that hinders me to proceed further on my path. I visualized to push all the 'bad things' away. After that, when I got up and did a walk outside, I felt rather dizzy and lightheaded, but also liberated. Everything in my vision field seemed more magical and interesting. I looked at the people around me and they all had something that I could appreciate.
    I hadn`t thought, that it would hit me so hard. In a certain way it felt like a psychedelic trip, but much smoother.
    Second Session (LOC 590 to 640)
    After the second session I was initially a bit disappointed because it hadn't as much impact on me as the first one. But the day after the session I felt this awesome peace and stillness in the center of my being. Nothing in the external world could shatter it. I was in a constant flow or slight meditative state. It felt not like real nondual awareness, but I began to realize, where all this leads to. My desire for truth and liberation is constantly growing. Even meditation seems to become a bit more effortless.
    Third Session (LOC 640 to 675)
    The third session was a lot like the second. The day after I was again in a flow, but I also felt, that in the time to come I will have to purge my mind from a lot of bullshit. I had an intense visualization, where I vomited green and black mucus to get rid of negative thought patterns and ideas. 
    - The two days after the transmission I experience a real high, that drops down afterwards
    - Authenticity is growing
    - I feel more emotions and they become more ‘raw’ or clear. I don´t know, how to express this accurately
    - I`m calmer. My girlfriend noticed this also
    - I have ‘better’ meditation sessions
    - My desire for truth and liberation is growing
    - RASA is not about experiencing directly a radical shift, but feels more like a continous purging process

  2. Ego death from RASA - I'm scared
    Ego death from RASA - I'm scared
    My ego has been deactivated/killed since the 12th when I had my first RASA session. I can no longer move my hands, my mouth, think the thoughts I want to think, or do anything I want to do, my life has been put on autopilot. And it's scary, I was warned to not pursue enlightenment when my life wasn't together, well now I guess I learned my lesson, because I fucking died! It's really hard for my body to deal with this and my brain is freaking out.
    What do I do? I don't think this is reversible. I have no choice but to go to LOC (level of conciousness 1000) when the ego is permanantly sucked into the void and this nightmare ends.

  3. Purging Bullshitters
    Purging Bullshitters
    Slapping capital letters and the word absolute onto things doesn't change what it is...liberation is liberation, cessation of self suffering is what it is. It's also called 'nirvana'. Billions of people across the millennia would love to be it for even a moment and I wish as many that can experience it will be.
    @Raptorsin7 I'm not here for you to believe my typed words, I'm simply pointing to the liberation that is at hand for any who allow it to be. The 'work' is often needed for healing and preparing just to do nothing, like you said. If the ego mind sucks us back into reacting and struggling then the self suffering will accompany that because we are behaving as if what we are isn't enough, that there is something unfulfilled.
    An ego mind going apeshiat within us is difficult to not react to, to not struggle with so we meditate and do all of the 'work' to calm it, to quiet it.... but the calm, quiet mind isn't liberation in itself. A calm, quiet mind is more conducive to ceasing the struggle with the self for sure.
    If we are dependent on the mind being this way to be at 'peace' we are just in a temporal expression of 'peace' and the ego mind will use that to instigate the struggle with self. It will attempt to disturb the peace so we go back to work making it still.
    It's like trying to still a pool of water by physically trying to stop the turbulence, each movement causes more waves. Cease moving, stop the work and the water stills itself but to transcend the dependency on a still pool is ultimately to be the still pool regardless of the tsunami that may be going on around us.
    Don't believe my typed words..... they are just stories I tell.

  4. Is ignoring people okay?
    Is ignoring people okay?
    You need to learn to set boundaries and communicate your values and boundaries to people rather than acting silent or passive aggressive.
    Better communication is crucial.
    People-pleasing is a common problem. It's worth taking the time to work that out in yourself. You don't want to live as a people-pleaser your whole life.
    Once you solve your people-pleasing, then you will be able to effectively communicate and enforce your values and boundaries with people, and you won't have to ignore them or suffering silently.

  5. My very first psychedelic trip: 1.5g you so much
    My very first psychedelic trip: 1.5g you so much
    @moon777light Good. That was a nice newbie intro. Your mind is still very chaotic and random, which is why you had all those wacky visions.
    As you do more, you must learn to focus your mind and contemplate the nature of reality rather than just going on joyride visions.
    Visions are fun, scary, and interesting, but what really matters is getting down to understanding what consciousness is, and what YOU are.
    So far you got a tiny taste of what consciousness can do: it is infinite imagination -- which is why you're able to have all those wacky visions. But you don't yet comprehend what consciousness in itself is and why it is here, or all of its many facets. You also probably don't understand how conscious in the trip connects with consciousness in "material reality". You have to build an intellectual bridge between your trips and "real life" until you realize that your "real life" is just another trip.
    Keep your future doses low. You have much more to learn at these lower doses. Mushrooms can be extremely challenging at the 4g range and above. At 4g+ your old life and reality will start to completely disappear and you will enter the phantasms of your mind. Since your mind is chaotic and impure and lacks nondual understanding, you will encounter all sorts of horrors of your own imagination and you will start to go insane. 2 grams is a good solid dose to do lots of work with without totally freaking yourself out.
    Try contemplating questions next time like:
    What is consciousness? What is reality? What is God? What is time? What is "other"? What is self? What am I? What is awakening? What is love? What is evil? What is the brain? What is death? What is nonduality? What is awakening? What is Oneness? What is intelligence? What is Will? Etc. The next time you trip, realize that whatever your mind imagines gets materialized. If you start to think of elephants you will see elephants on the carpet. Wonder why does this happen? It happens because you are God imagining the world and the psychedelic removes the shackles on Infinite Mind.
    Finally, turn your gaze directly inwards and ask, "What am I?!"
    Be prepared for epic strange loops, paradox, and mindfuckery.

  6. Deep existential fear, please help
    Deep existential fear, please help
    Hello, it’s morning for me now.
    I think homeostasis kicked in and brought me back to base. Now that I can give some more context, I will. I have been meditating since I was 16, I turn 20 the 27th. Two days ago during practicing my AUM chant, then pranayama, and finally some breath meditation, My self started dissolving.  (I had this 2 years ago too, even commented about it on the forum as well.) As a result this incredible gripping fear of death came upon me. I brushed it off, knowing it would probably pass like last time. Then yesterday it came back full force. It felt like my entire reality was collapsing. I ended up sitting in a fetus position with my family holding on to me so that I could confirm I still existed. Pretty crazy. This thought that “I cannot hang on to anything” was rapid firing in my mind. Then as a result I oscillated between that meaning that I am safe everywhere and that I am safe nowhere. Eventually I got into a loop of “I am safe nowhere”, and had a long panic attack lasting for about 3 hours, that I was going to die.
    Right now, like I said, I’m back to base. I want this process to go more smoothly and lovingly. How do I do that?
    @Highest @nightrider1435 @Leeeon @karkaore @Leo Gura @Visionary @ADD

  7. 5-MEO-DMT Bufo Alvarius Trip Report
    5-MEO-DMT Bufo Alvarius Trip Report
    I had a very similar experience in my first few trips. Non-stop torture, extreme body load, agonizing discomfort  feeling of dying and terror. It was so bad, I wanted to craw out of my skin, but just like you've described, there was no possibility of surrender. It was un-doubtedly the worst experience of my life. Luckily some higher wisdom hinted that I should keep going, that it was a purification process. It's as if the substance is testing your determination to see if you're worthy. It's not a magic pill at all. For me, it crammed many years of discomftable spiritual grows with meditation routine in a few minutes
    The following trip after the nightmare I had my breakthrough, which was unbelievable.

  8. 5-MEO-DMT Bufo Alvarius Trip Report
    5-MEO-DMT Bufo Alvarius Trip Report
    5-MEO-DMT Bufo AlvariusTrip Report
    ROA: Smoking
    Dosage: 93 mgs

    After many months of failed attempts at experimenting with plugging 5-MeO at home. And many more months trying to find a professional facilitator close to me, and many more months getting our schedules to align, I finally got to do my very first Bufo 5-MeO ceremony this weekend.

    He was decades experienced, and had me stay at his home, where we did the ceremony. As it was raining up at the property up in the mountains where he usually holds the ceremonies. 
    I was pretty calm leading up to the ceremony, until he said it was time. There were 3 of us there for ceremony. He would take us up to a room one at a time, for about an hour each. We debated who would go first, I requested I go first, as waiting and listening to what happened for someone else, would just make me more nervous.

    As it finally came time, I was really nervous. Him and his female partner sat with me in a circle and did deep breathing with me until I was calm and ready.

    He asked me if I wanted to start out with a low dose, or jump right into a high dose. I told him I am prone to panic attacks when I have time to resist the effects. So he suggested a high dose. I didn’t ask or want to know what he loaded. He later afterwards told me it was 93mgs. Not sure how much that translates to synthetic 5-MeO dosage.

    He explained to me how it was going to work. He would hold the pipe. I was to slowly draw in, until my lungs were full, as he counted to 10. Then as I lay back he would count back from 10, as I hold it in. I never made it to the pillow, and I only heard the count of 8 before I was gone.

    It is hard to describe what came next. It was indescribable unimaginable pure nightmarish Terror. There was no concept of who I was or what anything was. I was obliterated. But at the same time my ‘soul’ was being ripped apart in an endless cycle, over and over. There was zero possibility of resistance or surrender, it just was what it was and far too powerful to try to control. It was pure torture. Even though I was gone, I could tell I was screaming the loudest high pitch scream possible. This seemed like it lasted for only a few seconds.

    Coming back, I didn’t know who I was, where I was, who the people in the room were, for about a minute.  Then I came to pretty fast, within another minute. There was an instant feeling of sadness. I knew right away that the ceremony was a failure.

    No experience being God, no infinity, no experiencing infinite realities, no insights into the nature of reality, no death (at least I don’t think, unless death is endless torture), no infinite love, no bliss, no insights, no epiphanies, no alleviation of suffering/depression/anxiety.

    I started to cry as all of it was for nothing. I felt exactly the same as I did before the trip.

    The facilitators told me I had been screaming for many minutes. Then was saying “Oh Shit!!!” over and over again as I crawled around the room thrashing about.

    They asked me if I wanted to do another dose, I said no. This was traumatizing enough, wouldn’t want to go through that again, even if there was a chance of a blissful God breakthrough.

    I was perfectly normal and fine within a few more minutes. They offered for me to go into a dark room to process, but I said that was unnecessary. I popped downstairs, and cheerfully said “hey guys!”. The two guys waiting for their turn looked traumatized. They said they wished they had gone first now, as they heard all the screaming and it made them all that much more nervous to go next. I felt bad about that. They asked me how it went for me, and I told them I would tell them later, as I didn't want to influence their journey.

    All in all, it felt like the trip had never even really happened. There was a few seconds of infinite torture and unimaginable terror, then nothing. So my trip only seemed to last a few seconds.

    I thought, if I knew nothing about Nonduality teachings, what was possible, or anything about 5-MeO, and a friend just invited me to participate in the ceremony, I probably would have angrily bitched him out for the horrible experience, with zero benefits (other than the awesome people who I shared it with).
    Oh well, I guess I have to get even more serious about my spiritual journey and try try try again. 
    I’m not sharing this to discourage anyone. I’m not even discouraged. From what I hear, every trip can be different. 


  9. 5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #3: On Being God
    5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #3: On Being God
    Well, to start off I will say that I actually don't want to write this post. Not because I don't want you to know about the experience I had and not because I'm lazy or something but any words I will use in this post just seem to me like a desperate attempt on trying to impress you, on trying to put something into words that simply cannot be put, on trying to give you any kind of a picture about it. It is in that respect useless to talk about it. And I feel very phony of doing so. Just because of the fact that if you read this post and think that Azrael had some kind of very far out experience and you make it into something great and unreachable and somehow away from you, you are kidding yourself. But I guess it can't be helped and I feel like I should at least try to point out what just happened. So see this as mere entertainment. And to the new ones, read my prior post first so that you can contrast the experiences.
    +++ On Being A Pussy And Not Wanting To Do the 30mg +++
    It's quite fascinating how confused we are in our normal state of egoic consciousness. And it's quite interesting how afraid we are. Even when you think you are not afraid and you are this tough guy, you're kidding yourself. Every bit of the attitude that you put up is rooted in a deep fear of being exposed. Of failing, of surrendering completely. You learned and embody this so throughly that you are all tensed up all of the time. And because this became so normal on a mere physiological level you actually think this muscular tension is you. It's quite incredible how ridiculous were are. And how well we play it.
    But let's forget this point for a few more minutes and start with the story. How did all begin today? Well, it was a quite normal day here in Berlin, Germany. Azrael got up in the morning, ate some breakfast, took a shower, shaved his Zen-Master-looking beard and did his daily HoloSync meditation. What a great one it was. What I guess most of you who haven't done 5-MeO don't realize is that you'll start having flavors of the experience throughout your daily life. And especially in meditation. I recreated most of my last experience (the one in which I talk about our holographic nature). I meditated and saw my whole being flickering in this empty and endless space. I felt how when I move my attention I create that centralized space for that brief moment until it goes anywhere else. Quite fascinating.
    As always on the weekends I took a walk after my meditation, bathed in the spaciousness I was still wearing and thought about the day. I had to prepare for a talk I will be giving next week so I did this most of the day. When I finished my work I did my daily visualization. I visualize daily what I did this day in a positive way and then I go through the next day and think about what I will do then in a positive way. I tend to be pretty analytical and negative, so my visualization keeps that in place and opens me up a lot.
    When I was done doing that I laid on my bad and was just scared. I had thought the whole day that I wanted to do MeO after my work and now was the time. But I was paralyzed. Can I even physically stand the 30mg? Maybe I'm not prepared enough? Can I really surrender? I don't feel quite as confident today like I would want to feel before such an experience. You know the drill, my mind would be going bunkers. But this is normal. I asked several times inside whether I wanted to do this and my intuition was all for it. Like always. But my mind was very nervous and scared. It didn't want to die. And I respect that. Although I gotta say that the nervousness before the experience was harder then the actual surrendering in the experience. But we'll come to that in a few more moments.
    So I basically re-watched Leo's video on 5-MeO-DMT, watched one in which Joe Rogan (the comedian) talks about it and I argued with myself all of the time whether I should be really doing it today. My mind came up with all kind of excuses to put it off for another week. But eventually I went inside again and my intuition really wanted my to do it now, so I did.
    +++ The Experience: On Being God +++
    So I sat down in front of my desk, played my common tripping music, prepared my couch with fresh water, a hanky and a plastic bag (for the case I had to throw up). Then I weighed 2 gram of Kola Nut powder on my fancy new scale, downed it with a little bit of water and weighed 30mg of 5-MeO-DMT. I waited a few more minutes until I felt the Kola Nut coming up and then I basically got on my knees and visualized that I'll have the most epic experience of my life and then I prayed that I can totally surrender into it. To whom did I pray? The fuck I don't know. Probably to myself, that I just give up the show and won't kill myself by resisting the experience. (I think it really did help.)
    So yeah, I made two equal lines out of the gold and sniffed it into my nostrils. Man, just seeing 30mg of this and knowing what kind of experience you had with 15-20mg is very special. The whole act is a surrender. There is nothing easy about this - even though the most epic things follow. It's like you have a gun in front of you and you know that when you'll shoot yourself in the head you will be in heaven... but you gotta do the shooting first. It's like that.
    So, I sniff it in and go to my couch, tilting the head upside down and massaging it into my nostrils. I waited 5 minutes until reality got really wanky. Then I sat up normal, opened myself up and tried to focus on love. I thought about a girl I loved once very much, I thought about her face when she laughed and how it completely melted me back then. Meanwhile my pulse was going through the rooftop and I had some difficulty thinking about her because my thoughts began to vanish. My head would be pumped with more and more clearness which felt pretty good and I was very comfortable in my body.
    What happened then for the next 15-30 minutes I cannot put into words. I also will not scream with upper letters "OH MY GOD" or "I AM IT" or something like that, because I didn't feel any of this in these moments. I didn't say a word. I had a few thoughts but they were kind of arbitrary. I was completely in shock. Completely speechless. But not in a kind of hectic shock, I was very well relaxed and relieved while I was in this state. It didn't even occurred to me that I'm in shock or speechless until 30 minutes later when I slowly came back and began to understand what just happened.
    Every picture I had about it prior to the experience was wrong. You can just not fathom with egoic consciousness what it is that underlies everything. I had no pretty visuals or something like that. I saw very clearly and when I closed my eyes for a moment I guess I saw some patterns, but I didn't pay much attention. I just was it. Everything and nothing. But it wasn't special in any kind of way. It began to be special when I came back and my individual tried to make sense out of it. But in the moment itself, it was completely obvious. It was completely eternal and when I felt my body here and there I just would feel so relieved and speechless. At some point I held my glass of water in my hands and I starred at it for probably 5 minutes without closing my eyes. The whole reality, every sense that I had seemed like a shell you could cut. It was also extremely still. Completely eternal. I had no idea what this word really means. In the peak of the experience it wasn't even explosive or something. When I got from normal egoic consciousness to the state I'm describing, the very transition can be quite explosive although the Kola Nut did a great job in making that a very smooth one, but the experience itself is completely still. It isn't even an experience or state. If you have to think about it, think about it like you peel endless patterns of your normal reality away until there is this one core thing left.. and you are this. God. Complete infinity. It's completely indescribable.
    Well, I peaked for about 20 minutes and then slowly I began to understand what just happened and then as I said I just was speechless for a good half hour. I just sat there. I had not much thoughts about it, a few maybe but I was just shocked and speechless. Then at some point when I came down I began to cook and make myself a salad. I did this for a few moments and then just had to sit down again and just cried like a little boy for a god 5 minutes straight. I just couldn't believe what I had done to myself for my entire life and what kind of nasty game I played with myself. I just saw it before my eyes and couldn't believe it.
    +++ The Beginning Of The End +++
    In the last few hours I had some thoughts coming up that resulted from the experience and seemed pretty authentic to me.
    You will never die. This is I guess the one thing I learned. You will never die. Don't be afraid of death (and I know this is easier said then done) but just think back. You as an individual were birthed into this live by magic. This whole existence is magic and there is nothing else then pure love. There never was a moment in your eternal existence in which you really had to fear anything. What shall there be? When you open your eyes you create a whole visual field of reality. You are all of that. When you hear with your ears your create a whole auditory space with your sense of 3D hearing. When you think thoughts you create endless parallel realities in your head that have their own reality. When you go sleep at night you can trust yourself to wake up in the morning. When you go you can trust your legs to carry you around. When you go about your day everything you do comes naturally to you. There is not a thing that is not supportive and loving to you. You just like to spin stories that this is the case and you love to identify with it.
    If you really wanna see this this right now, just stop believing your own bullshit. When you drop all thought and belief, you are eternity. You are it. Before you lived you were formless and rested in peace. When you were born you decided to play a game called life to experience this material reality. When you die you let this reality dissolve again and will probably rest for some eternal time and then play some new games. Don't be afraid. It's all good. All of your problems have no value at all. Your negative emotions? Yeah so what, there was no time in your life when you couldn't stand those. It's the nature of negative emotions to be negative and it's your nature as God to provide the space for them to occur. It's the nature of the positive to feel good and create a negative that will come at another time again. If you're attached to this, it's okay. Just say to yourself that you're not believing your own bullshit. And keep up your quest. Time will show this to you.
    If I had to put all of this in simple words, I would just say that I'm speechless and relieved. Relieved from the nasty game I played with myself. And even though I know that it'll slowly come come back and grab me again, I know that in the next few months I will go even so much deeper with these experiences that it'll just crack like a shell and will naturally fall off. Nothing else makes sense.
    Be good to yourself. And be well.
    Cheers, Azrael

  10. 5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #2: Being Aware Of Ones Holographic Nature
    5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #2: Being Aware Of Ones Holographic Nature
    Sooo, I did it again. First off, I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this next post. Some guys contacted me personally or commented in other threads why I haven't posted another trip report yet. The simple reason is: I was ill for a week (these fucked-up winter colds) and needed another 2 weeks to get to the level where I could say "Okay, I'm ready to go into outer space again". So yeah, I hope and intend to post more frequently in the future. So if you like these posts, like 'em and post comments so that I know. The first one went off like a fucking virus. I liked that a lot. If you haven't read it, read it first so that you're up to date with what I'm doing. You can read it here.
    +++ Lessons Learned From The Initial Dosages +++
    Well, as you know I don't just wanna fuck with my head but take a more scientific and curious approach to this whole experiment. And this means that I had to learn my lessons from the first dosages. They were extraordinary experiences that began to permanently alter my journey (I'll write about this in the end of this post) but the way I conducted them could still be improved.
    The first thing I changed was that I got myself a very high-tech jewelery scale that you can calibrate to 0.001g. For my initial dosages I used the scale I bought last year for my first n,n-DMT experiences. This is a standard scale you get in your local headshop, good for weed and enough for normal DMT but not for MeO, no. With regular n,n-DMT it doesn't really matter if you take 50 or 55mg because once you hit that point you are just off and if you took 5mg more then that it just wasted. With MeO I found out very soon that 5mg can make the difference from being very high to psychological death and complete dissolving into nothingness. And that's something you don't wanna leave at chance. Not at all.
    The second thing I changed was my tripping location. With the initial dosages I laid on my bed what I mostly do when I pop psychedelics. I'm a very beddy person. I love to sleep and just chill in my bed watching series or documentaries. I could do that for a living (if I had no life). This is all great, because you can really open up your body and relax. However, last time with the semi-breakthrough dosage I thought I gotta vomit and at the same time thought I die and lose my breath (so I might go unconscious). This brought up the fear that I will go unconscious, vomit in my fucking face and kill myself by being stupid. Can't happen. And lying on the side takes away the opening of the body that is in my experiences the most crucial thing there is when it comes to surrendering into it. So I left the bed behind and took the couch. There, I could completely open myself, vomit if I have to and go unconscious without choking myself to death. Maybe you laugh, but this made all the difference in the experience I'm about to tell you in a few moments.
    And finally another big improvement was Kola Nut. Leo brought this up when we discussed a few days ago how MeO changes your physiology permanently. I talk about this later in this post. Basically, Kola Nut is natural way to get you really excited and pumped, if you have ever done cocaine you know what I'm talking about. If you're more of a reasonable person, think of a time you did something very well (like giving a good speech) and after it a group of people congratulated and looked up to you. That's how you feel on Kola Nut. Just pretty ambitious, inspired, here and ready to go. I researched it a little bit and found that others had used it before with 5-MeO-DMT and reported great experiences plus it seemed to be widely known, well studied and easy to get. So I got myself 100g of Kola Nut powder straight from and it arrived today (with the jewelery scale). The post man came right when I was meditating and the bell ringing scared the shit outta me. You bastard!
    +++ The Trip: Being Aware Of Ones Holographic Nature +++
    So, how did go down. Let's go a few hours back in time. As always when I pop psychedelics I did all the things I had to do on this day so that I had the time and a free mind. Never, ever have something important to do after you do psychedelics. This will stress and ruin the experience. In beforehand, I took 2 grams of the Kola Nut in the morning so that I knew how it effects me. Around 4 p.m. I wanted to do the tripping. The Kola Nut I had taken before was still showing effects so I decided to just take a little bit to get another peak when the MeO comes in so that both can work together.
    I gotta say, I was pretty nervous. The last trip I did was more then a month ago and although it was transforming and great, it was very scary as well. So I laid down on the couch, went inside and asked myself whether I really wanna do this again. And every bit of my intuition even my fears were into it. I still stopped for a moment. My hands were cold, my pulse were up and I just waited a few moments. Then I got up, weighted half of a gram of Kola Nut on my new high-tec scale, downed it with a little bit of water and juice and weighted 22mg of the God molecule. I turned on my standard tripping music, made two lines and waited for another few moments. I asked myself again whether I really wanted to do this. I did. So I sniffed the gold up my nostrils, went to my couch and sat down, tilted my head upside down and massaged the MeO into my nostrils.
    Funnily, right when I sat down all the fear and tension began to vanish. I thought this was strange, with my prior experiences it was really the opposite in the beginning. After a good 2-3 minutes the MeO was well-distributed in my nose and I sat up normally. I opened my legs and my arms. I also just looked in front of me and began to repeat the mantra "I love you, I give in, I surrender".
    I expected the existential terror to start every moment and blast me away but it simply didn't. The exact opposite happened. As the trip came on, the first thing I noticed was that I began to lose weight. Like somebody is turning the gravity to zero. With that my view became crystal clear and all edges went away. Kinda like your whole view is one object and not containing a bunch of objects. Then the body got lighter and lighter, the breathing slowed down but in a very harmonic and calming way and the pulse didn't go through the top. It was a little bit higher then normal, but not too heavy. With that the what I call "physiological purification" started. As my body got lighter and lighter, it felt like every cell was cleaned and massaged with the deepest love. Every tension just vanished.
    As this unfolded I closed my eyes and delved in this love. It took more and more tensions and it felt like with every tension that goes my nature expands, because the tension was centralizing it in beforehand. In this moment I became aware of our holographic nature. With the vanishing of the tensions I began to lose every reference of the normal world. I began to lose sight in a way, I didn't see darkness but also didn't see any visuals. I was before all that. As every reference of the normal world went away, time went too so that it got slower and slower until it was eternal. The only reference of time that there was was the flow of tension that appeared and vanished every few moments: I saw clearly that my whole perception of my body was like a holographic image, that popped up and went away. The deeper I went into it, the slower it got and the more I could see this. I could see that my whole sense of self is based on the illusion that I can feel my inner tension consistently. That this is my only reference of being separate. When this vanished and just popped up here and there, I was everything and nothing. It was nothing special but also extremely astonishing. Seeing how my existence manifests slowed down so much that I could see how it works. It's like you zoom out of your normal perspective and see that the picture you are seeing all of the time was just a tiny pixel on a ever-changing surface.
    Throughout this whole experience I felt the deepest kind of love, peace and surrender that I can think of. Even when I came back half an hour later and the tensions came back to a degree, I saw that this is okay and that it needs time to permanently let this go. What was also incredible is, that after the peak - like after 15-20 minutes - as I opened my eyes and was still tripping all kind of memories popped into my head that were connected to my tensions. All the fears that I had in my life, all my limited beliefs, all that just came on and I looked at it with this deep spaciousness and peace and just let it play its game. Breath-taking. Then I came back and felt like my whole body was completely massaged and my brain was given peace. Very nice, I still have a lot of that in me. It gives you perspective and that perspective alone is curative.
    +++ Beyond The Experience: How 5-MeO-DMT Changes your Daily Life +++
    So, that was my trip. Really great. I'm looking forward to do the same with 30mg in 2 weeks again and see how it is to leave every reference behind and completely delve in this love. But with all these experiences comes the question: "Is it just a 30 minutes kind of crazy thing that happened, or is there more to it?"
    In the first month after my initial dosages I looked into that. What started to happen in the first week after the trips was that I became very aware of the tensions in my body, especially in my forehead and abdomen. They just really lit up for a few days and then began to vanish. They vanished to a degree that I would say the state I was in before the experiences was like a light headache that then vanished. Not that I was aware of that light headache, it was my normal state and it resulted in a lot of fast thoughts, lots of fast feelings and a very shallow attention in retrospect of what I'm experiencing now. And be aware,  even before my first trips I had done more then 1,5 of daily 60-minute meditation (mostly strong determination sittings), I had numerous no-self experiences, 3-4 very deep awakenings this year and a Kundalini awakening this July. And I still say that my state was like heaving a light headache.
    So after the tensions began to vanish (and they didn't completely but to a good extent) I would begin to act slower and more in a kind of rhythmic flow. It's like I'm dancing when I go or do things. I think slower, deeper and in more color and with clearer voice. I have most of the time very deep and transforming meditations. I still am afraid sometimes, I still have bad days, I still do stupid shit, but I see how this just arises and that there is no me pushing it. I sometimes see that. Other times I get so lost that I'm not aware of this but even then, this is okay. Because that's how it is. I am way more chilled. I can listen to somebody and not have thoughts but just listen. And the other one feels that and opens up like a flower. When I talk I naturally begin to make pauses and play with the rhythm of my voice. I'm naturally more confident with my body and how I look and go about my business. I'm more attractive independent of how I look. I begin to get into deeper contact my unconscious. I am aware of sleeping, that was really crazy in the beginning. I am aware that when I lose my conscious attention that for the first few hours thoughts still come up that trigger feelings, that then after a while I go into a deep and very vivid dream, that then I completely blur out and become nothing and that I then return to a dream or unconscious thinking state. This all began to develop in this first month. And I can see how this is just the beginning of things.
    So yeah, basically I can say that MeO does its thing. When used with a natural interest in getting to know your real self and integrating your make-belief self, it really seems to push you a lot deeper with that. It takes the neurosis out of your seeking, gives you peace and a lot of toys you can play around with that just come up when your awareness expands. Because you begin to see the whole picture and not just your narrowed version of it.
    That's my take on it anyway. I hope you liked the post and that it inspired you. If it did, like it and comment so that we can have a talk about it and I see that I should post more of these experiences. If I'm not fucked with another winter cold in the next time, I would say that I trip again in two weeks and hopefully find the time to write it all down and let you guys know. This stuff is really interesting.
    Anyways, keep up your genuine interest, develop yourself and get intimate with all of reality. You are every bit of it and that is the most shocking and cool thing you can ever find out.
    - Azrael

  11. 5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #1: Facing The Personal Ever-nearing Apocolypse
    5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #1: Facing The Personal Ever-nearing Apocolypse
    So, I got myself involved in 5-MeO-DMT. But before I start this post, I'd like to point out that if you wanna know a little bit about my psychedelic background and another fun trip report, you might wanna read my report on shrooms first - if you haven't. There I describe my background with this etc. You can find it here.
    +++ Research, Planning And a Fun Experiment +++
    So, how did it all start? Let's go back in time. Roughly two months ago when Leo released his mushroom videos I wrote with him here on the forum about my experiences with psychedelics, told him about one bad trip that I had and so on. In this conversation he said I should checkout 5-MeO-DMT and that nothing really compares to that.
    I gotta say I was kind of skeptical at first. I had done regular n,n-DMT and thought that this would be as "high as it gets". Little did I know. So I did some research over the weeks into MeO, asked some friends who had done it and read a lot. After a few weeks I forgot about it mostly because I had exams to learn for and interesting projects at work.
    Then Leo released his video about becoming God. I still remember how I listened to that in the morning while eating breakfast and I'm like: "This can only be MeO." So I waited a week until he made his video about it. So I thought, I better get involved in this. This sounds transformational and scary and I'm up for super-charging my progress. I did some more research and got me 250mg of 5-MeO-DMT, lab-tested with a minimum of 98% purity in HCL form. Don't ask me where I got it, if you can't do the research, don't do it. Onions might have been involved in this process, one rumors.
    So, I basically set up an experiment that I was going to undertake. The question I want to solve is: "Can a habitual use of 5-MeO-DMT used 1-2 a month raise my awareness permanently if used for 6-12 months?" This is the question I wanna investigate with this. To do that, I will do the tripping and document what happens with me. I plan to release I'd say at least 1 post per month here on the forum on my experiences - but more importantly on the development that happens in me. This is why I do this. I am actually thinking about making this in a video form (me telling this to you instead of writing). I might do that if the changes that occur are as deep as I expect them to be so that the cost of exposure and the investment in time and effort will be worth it. We'll see. If you like this whole experiment, like the posts and comment, ask questions and so on, so that I see that you guys are interested. If not, I'll document this just privately for me or later purposes.
    So, I got all this down and last Thursday, the 6th of October was the day it should all begin. So let's jump right into it.
    +++ The First Two Dosages: Light and Medium +++
    How do you prepare to die? That's the question I asked myself before I did the first trip. And you really can't. You can just try to be at peace with whatever happens as much as you can be. This is rather difficult, because your mind can simply not come up with any framework that brings it at peace with non-existence. You have to let that go. I was pretty scared and nervous before the first trip, to be honest with you. I did all the stuff I had to do on that day, so that I had time to prepare, to do and integrate the first experiences with this beast of a drug.
    Before I started, I laid on my bed, closed my eyes and went deep inside. I talked to my unconscious and asked it whether it really wants to do this kind of experience and whether I could accept to die into it, so that it could become everything. I listened to my intuition that was in for it. That calmed me down a lot and was the basis for the surrendering I had to do here. I would've quit the whole thing if something in me would've not wanted this authentically.
    The following is a sum-up of three light-to-medium trips I took on Thursday and Saturday. They are based on 1x 15mg and 2x 20mg of MeO and had similar effects.
    I weighted the dosage on my scale, made two halves out of it, turned on my tripping music very quietly and snorted the powder in with a third of a straw. You basically wanna sniff it in with the least energy to get it inside, so that it stays in the nostrils. Then you hold a finger on the nostril opening, do the other nostril, cover that and sit down on your couch / bed.
    I sat down on my bed, tilted my head upside down and massaged the MeO into my nostrils. It burns a little bit but not very much in my experience. After 3-5 minutes my reality would get wanky and I would lie down on my bed very openly. I tried to focus on my breathing that got slower and slower while my pulse would be shooting through the top. And I mean through the the motherfucking top. You have not experienced this kind of pulse ever before in your life (if you weren't confronted with a death-like situation). I knew this would be coming, but man. You begin to worry a little bit if you can even physically take this. Then my bodily tensions and pressures slowly vanished, I closed my eyes and all I could feel is my pulse, a feeling of terror in my abdomen and a very slow breath. I mainly focused on keeping my breath going because it felt like it would stop any second if don't consciously breathe. (This is a known feature of the MeO-experience that it feels like your breath stops, however it doesn't. One does not have to be afraid of this. However, if you feel this the first time it is very heavy to say the least. Me whole body gave me signals that I'm going to die right now and it felt like I was on the edge for a good twenty minutes.
    So what did I do? How do you face such a situation? With eyes closed I just tried to get in contact with this force that birthed me into life and that makes and shapes me every moment. I actually kinda got hold of this and it felt very much like home and that I could just surrender into it. I was on the verge of psychological death. I totally gave in. In these 20 minutes it felt like I purged 10 years of emotional baggage. Every fear and every fight that I ever had with myself just vanished and disappeared as I faced my own death here. It is - to say the least - transformational and scary.
    After 30 minutes the terror kind of went away, I opened my eyes and was just bathed in this clearness. I laid on my bed for I don't know how long and was just there. No thoughts, no interpretation, no worries, no hopes, no fears. Just stillness and clearness. It was sick, I gotta say. After it, a lot of the heightened awareness actually stayed and is still present. It cut out in the last couple of days a lot of unnecessary thoughts. My meditation practice feels super-charged and my unwanted desires mostly went away. I'm not in a meditative state, but just really grounded and authentic. I don't resist myself anymore - at least in the last few days - and every kind of conflict or negative association just melts because of what happened there. Like, you don't have to do anything to stay grounded and aware, you just are because even if a earthly worry would come up it just is not equipped to hypnotize you anymore, because you have faced your own death. And nothing is greater then that.
    You faced your personal ever-nearing apocalypse - and nothing else compares. That's it. But that should just be the beginning.
    +++ The strong semi-breakthrough dosage +++
    For Saturday evening I had planned the last initial dosage. 30mg. Boy, I wouldn't have dreamed in my wildest dreams that 10 godly milligrams could do such a difference. I had expected that I would go from near-death to a kind of void and that this is it. Yeah, think again.
    So I followed up on the normal procedure I described above, sat down on the bed massaging my nostrils. 3 minutes in the reality would get wanky again. So I laid down on my bed and expected the upcome to take at least a few more minutes. I don't know how long it actually took but I suspect 5-10 seconds when I laid down and opened up I was just gone. My mind just started collapsing in on itself. Indescribable. Pulse through the top, breath on the verge of being existent, bodily tensions and feelings not there unless a big, mother... god-fucking big existential terror in my abdomen. It felt like my whole nervous system collapsed in on itself, my mind tried to wrap its head around it and just every frame of reference vanished.
    You don't even remotely suspect how deep your ego shapes your perception. Every experience you have, everything you take in and make sense out of is combined with your web of beliefs. Even the most little thing like taking a breath is carrying years and years of your ego in it. Every little cell in your body. And now imagine all of this goes down to zero, nada, nothing. Just collapses in on yourself. It is by far the deepest kind of transformation you could ever experience. You are just blown away and every tool that your mind uses to come up with a calming solution of "you can handle that in a certain way" just isn't there. You're basically going insane while you are dying while it feels like every two seconds you are flushed with the doubled amount of awareness you just had. Very, very intense experience, guys. Very intense.
    This is such an physical experience that I actually thought I gotta vomit. It felt like my body would explode and implode every few moments. So I ran to the toilet, put a finger in my throat and tried to vomit. Nothing happened. And I'm like: "What the fuck?" I never in my life was so certain that I gotta vomit and I never put my finger so deep into my throat to get me to do this. But I just didn't.
    So I laid back down in my bed for about 10 seconds and then got up because I thought I gotta vomit again. Didn't happen. The second time hanging over the toilet I realized that I'm completely transforming right now and that this is probably the cause of me thinking I gotta vomit. This was one of the only thoughts I had in these moments. Dear, dear thought. I was happy that you were around, buddy. At least a little calm.
    So I got back to my bed, laid down again, opened up, massaged my navel a little bit (which a friend of mine - a Qigong practitioner - recommended to me to get my awareness from my head into my abdomen which calms you down) and closed my eyes. In that moment all tensions, the existential terror and the complete shock I was in just exploded in this ever-still moment that expanded in all directions while not moving at all. I was that for a brief time and then were birthed again into my ego, were ripped out of again and then were the stillness again. This occurred for some time.
    God is a beast, man. A fucking beast.
    After having this for some time I managed to surrender into this birthing and dying every few moments and flowed with it for a few moments. It was the most majestic, horrifying, loving, still and moving I don't know what to call it that I have ever seen. Completely impossible. In the process I actually thought I died because there was no indication left that I was alive. Having done that it birthed and destroyed me for some more time, like 10 minutes and I opened my eyes and surrendered to the process. I merged with everything I could see, I was the room, the thing itself and the viewer of it. I was still being pumped with tremendous amounts of awareness every few seconds. Fuck me man, this is nuts I thought.
    By looking at the things in my room they changed their boundaries like every few seconds. Like the shelve and the wall would now be one thing, then everything would blur out and then they formed a different object again. No hallucinations, but just every kind of way you could perceive an object in like 30 seconds. I didn't even try to understand this.
    After 45 minutes I slowly came out and by that time didn't even care anymore whether I was breathing, my pulse was going through the top or whatever just happened. I was completely wiped clean, bathing in this stillness and nothingness and slowly saw how my ego began to put my world together again.
    After that I smoked a cigarette and took a walk. My head was surprisingly still and cool with what just happened and was happy to have even greater amounts of awareness and stillness, no bad thoughts coming up, feeling very authentic. I asked myself whether I wanna do this again for 6-12 months on a bi-weekly basis and my intuition was still in for it.
    Why do I call this a semi-breakthrough and not a genuine breakthrough? I think that if I do this a couple of times and increase the dosage 3-5mg I would be leaving most of the terror behind and bath more consistently in the absolute. I was kind of going in and out here the whole time which was kind of crazy. So we'll see next time.
    +++ The Aftermath +++
    So, I guess you read all of this and just think: "What the fuck, how could anyone ever do something like that to himself?" Let me tell you why. In this moment of complete shock, terror and then dissolving into the absolute you are shown your own birth and death. You actually see how you die every few moments and then are born again a moment later. You see how you are this collection of thoughts, perceptions and emotions and how they spontaneously arise out of an infinite pool of possibilities. 
    I'd guess that if you do that for a few times you can surrender so deeply into it that most of the terror dissolves and you just die into the beauty and majesty of it. Of your own divine nature. I also guess from the aftermath that I experience right now that your own mind has to rebuild itself in a higher order after these experiences because it has no framework to handle it with your limited view.
    Besides that, I guess that this will lead to the most mature emotionality a human being can have because you learn to accept dying here. That means that over some time nothing really can bug you anymore, because you have experienced and surrendered to your death and have seen beyond it. This I would conclude can lead to tremendous psychological changes that could cause an permanent awakening because nothing else can really handle such an experience. No framework of a normal sleeping mind can do that.
    Also, the feeling and awareness you get after these experiences are amazing. It feels like being reborn again, clean. It feels like I have done 3 years of daily meditation in 45 minutes, 3 years of talking and fighting and adjusting myself. It is that powerful. I think that it just gets more powerful the more you do it, although it is scary and horrifying to a degree. But you also see that there is really nothing that can really destroy you. And that itself is transforming.
    So yeah, that's my take on the first experiences. If you are interested in me posting more of this and documenting my journey here on the forum, like this, comment and let me now. I'll go through that and see where I end up. I think it's gonna be a good place. The last few days were the most exciting, refreshing and calm days I had in my entire life.
    Cheers to 5-MeO-DMT,

  12. Leo, what does your “mundane world” look like?
    Leo, what does your “mundane world” look like?
    Yes, I have worldly obligations. Mostly with my biz ( and you guys. Also a bit of family obligations, but not much.
    I am not a social person because I find it too shallow and I like my freedom.
    I don't need to talk much about these topics with people/family because I get it out via my videos. The videos are my outlet.
    To me social balance looks like living in a cabin in the woods with maybe a girlfriend. And interacting with students via teachings or writing. I don't care for having a social life in the conventional sense.
    Don't try to emulate this unless it feels natural to you. People have different social preferences. Mystics tend to have an abnormally high tolerance for solitude.
    Figure out what you want. What I want is irrelevant to you.

  13. Hard time dealing with some kind of awakening
    Hard time dealing with some kind of awakening
    About 1 month ago, my girlfriend and I had an LSD trip, quite a low dose (125 micro-g). But this time it got really far.
    While we were lying down in bed (+- @ T+3h), I totally passed out from this reality for some minutes. (I totally understood how karma “works”, how everything has a consequence and so on, how consequences are “formed”.)
    Then, some minutes later I came back, a little panicky.
    I looked at my girlfriend an I saw myself in here. I told here “you are me and I am you”. I often had some kind of this feeling, but this time it was much different, this time it felt that the whole “reality” had “collapsed”.
    I asked her for a hug, and we hugged. It felt strange (for both of us), it was like hugging some kind of “nothingness”. Like that the only thing which exists would be nothing more than some “line”, the line which represents the separation between my inner world and my outer world, the rest all an illusion.
    This time I totally felt the meaningless of everything, that it’s no point in hugging someone, no point in having sex, no point in drinking water, no point in doing what so ever. That I was never born, that there are no parents, that there is only me.
    I talked to here, she felt the same. What now became really strange, after this I totally knew how she would move, what she would reply to my questions. Again, she had the same impression. We came to a moment when it felt that we both were talking exactly the same thing (like a mirror) to each other. It felt like all of “realty” had collapsed.
    I started to panic a little more. I had the feeling that now because I have “understood it all” it will stay this way, I wanted my “limitations” & “separation” back.
    After some time, the boundaries started to come back, somehow, I felt like I’m going totally crazy.
    I told my girlfriend that I want to take a benzo to come down, even if I know that it doesn’t change what I’ve seen (I was 100% sure it wouldn't change anything at all, even my girlfriend was like “you can take some but it will not change anything at all, we now have seen what ‘is’, and nothing can change this”.). Ok, I took a benzo, it didn’t change anything, it just took some of the fear away.
    (1 week later I took about 12mg 5-MEO-DMT, it showed me “unconditional love”, some kind of a “orgasmic feeling” in the whole body for about 30 minutes. I again knew everything is “ok”,)
    Now, some weeks after the trip I became a little more “normal” again. I still remember what I’ve see, but I don’t feel it so much anymore. I still know that everything “was” one, but don’t feel it all the time.
    What I find really strange after this experience I think “reality” has changed somehow. There are strange synchronicities happening to my girlfriend and me. We see more “instant-karma” happening, in such moments we feel quite deeply again what we felt during the trip.
    We still have problems integrating this experience.
    She fears that there is “something bigger” having control over her (like she’s a “brain in a box”).
    My ego has problems integrating that I’m somehow “all alone” and I’m asking myself what this “reality” is.
    If there is just my perspective and the dualities are “inner world, outer world”.
    Or that those people around me are “people like me”. (My ego would prefer the second one.)
    (Yes, it’s somehow “funny” writing about this here, feeling that it’s quite possible that everything is one/me.)
    Maybe some of you had some equally “extreme” experiences. How have you positively integrated some of this?
    Right now I’m contemplating if I have to go deeper, if I need some time or if I should stop.
    I feel attracted by the search for the “Truth”, but I also have a lot of fear about what can happen (what I can “see”).