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Posts posted by kag101

  1. first of all, i'm in my mid twenties, so i'm not old.

    my body is either overly sensitive or i have some sort of OCD regarding physical pain. maybe both lol

    i find it incredible how almost any activity that i start doing more regularly, BOOM. some sort of physical discomfort kicks in. it's really tiresome.

    i tried in the past to use a "macho" approach to that, so i'd simply try to ignore the pain signals. didn't work at all.


    activities that i feel some discomfort:

    • driving → ankle. because i have to lift it relatively high, it gets sorta painful after a while 
    • piano →  pinkie finger gets tired soon
    • writing→  my index finger starts to feel weird
    • mouse → either my wrist or my elbow (probably because of the height of the table) 
    • cellphone →  my tendinitus kicks in especially in my forearm. (when i hold the phone in the most ergonomically correct way)
    • playing soccer → my feet, especially if i'm shooting the ball too much. my knees, if i start running a bit.
    • speaking → my throat gets really dry. then, it starts to get painful to talk
    • watching lectures → i always have to sit in the middle of the class. otherwise my neck starts hurting. 

    my biggest fear is that it becomes something chronic. so after any sign of discomfort, i usually get hyperaware of it and i stop the activity.


    my strategy nowadays is this:

    1) self-negotiate.

    for example, regarding soccer i bought a lighter ball. regarding my phone, i'm thinking of selling my big-ass iPhone and buy an iPhone Mini.

    2) do longer experiments with things that i think that causes me pain.

    for example, the thing about my pinkie finger while playing the piano. instead of stop playing as soon as i feel the slightest discomfort, i set a longer period of time for doing the activity. this helps to differentiate true pain vs psychological pain. because then i don't jump into conclusions after just a small evidence.

    3) i do not try to correct my "technique" --> focus on natural form

    when i get overly focused on having a perfect form, it ends up backfiring.

    example: a few years ago, i was doing a bunch of vocal exercises to stop my throat pain. result? my voice got extremely breathy, which made matters worse. i started to lose my voice really quickly.

    4) do more fun things

    when my day is full of fun activities, then i usually don't think about the pain. but when i have too much free time or if i'm stressed, then the pain gets amplified. 


    i don't lack any vitamins. i considered going to a rheumatologist to see if it helps somehow.

    anyway, i feel like i've improved with dealing with this by 40%, which is good. but i was curious to see if anybody has gone through a similar thing.

    i'm more interested in psychological strategies than health tips (such as going to acupuncture).

    but anyway, feel free to say whatever is on your mind. thanks :)

  2. don't like the title of this journal

    maybe just Emotional Intelligence Training or something would be better.

    i like to reframe challenging situations in my life as an emotionally intelligence game. this way, i stop getting overly identified with the problem and i see it more in a neutral-playful way.


    playing too much chess!

    i have to diversify my hobbies a bit. i was trying to play checkers online, but almost nobody plays it

    other things that i thought of doing:

    - download & play crash bandicoot 3 warped

    - play (and record) the piano more

    - express myself artistically (maybe painting)

    - find a book to read (i will start the book "Speak". it sounds interesting and not too difficult to read)

    - make 10 minute session of organizing (deliberately short so that i actually do it)

    - stretching & gentle yoga

    so things like that.


    two things that i used to care that now i choose to alienate myself from: politics & soccer. both of which were just pissing me off.


    reflecting about my experience in this forum

    it's crazy to think that i use this forum for over 6 years. i went through a big transformation. back in 2016-17, i was in a state of deep confusion, as if i was lost in a dark forest. i thought psychedelics & spirituality were the answer to my problems. nothing could be farther from the truth.

    >> the freaking power of premium psychotherapy + premium psychiatric sessions is unbelievable <<

    it's really expensive, but it's the best investment i could ever do in my life. i finally feel healthy once again. i feel like my true me again.

    just working my way up the hierarchy of needs. it's really easy to forget about the foundation and try to reach the top. but without a solid base, everything's gonna fall apart


    college's been good

    i've been able to make some friends in my class, which is really important. because if i were to go to the classes just because of the classes per se, then it'd be depressing.

    in a way, it's good that it took me more years to get into college. i'm 25, and i'm in my second year. i feel much more prepared to go through the college experience. i'm doing it because I want it. not because society tells me so.

    and also, because my mental health is being taken care of, i can experience the challenges as for what they actually are, and not get amplified by 100x because of depression.

    there are some other older students in my class but i don't feel like them tbh. i relate much more to the ones that are in their early 20's. but i do like to diversify the groups that i interact with.

    regarding social groups, i'm polygamic lol.


    i hope the hybrid modality continues!

    there's been protests against this. my college basically wants that about half of the course will be through online real-time classes. to me, that's great. i feel no desire to go to the college every single day. i feel like by going there fewer times, when i actually go, the experience is heightened.

    i hope this doesn't change, because it's been comfortable for me.


  3. On 27/02/2022 at 11:44 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

    Another big thing I have been noticing lately as I have been trying to eat intuitively and start seeing food in a more neutral/positive light. I can appreciate the things that might not be considered "clean" or "healthy" by diet standards and still appreciate it for what it is whether it is for the taste, the occasion, or ways that they are actually good for you.

    Wow, i'm so glad to see that you're also experiencing this. :) Have you read the book?

  4. 7 hours ago, Cepzeu said:

    Yeah people can definitely look like creepers approaching. Without social calibration you can look like a freak haha. But that shouldn't stop you trying to become better.

    hey, sorry for being overly aggressive yesterday. i just edited my reply.

    btw - i think you responded me in an elegant way. you did not get all offended -- but instead you stated your point of view with humor ;)   


    anyway, yeah, with a proper context and with social calibration, as you said, it can be a valid strategy.

    On 10/04/2022 at 2:14 AM, Cepzeu said:

    "Excuse me... This is kinda random.... but I saw you and thought you were cute, and wanted to say hi"

    idk if commenting on her appearance is the best way to go.

    maybe a more natural way would be to make a random comment about something in the environment.

    let's say she was picking Brazilian nuts, then you could say something, like "i really like Brazilian nuts. do you add them to any specific food?". and then you see how it goes from there.

    what do you think about that?

  5. On 22/03/2022 at 0:58 PM, Mada_ said:

    Is anyone on here at least 2 year sober from junk food? 

    this simply does not work. it will either backfire really bad, or you'll lose pleasure in the eating experience.

    and you'll become one of those people who lose a bunch of weight, and it seems like they lost their soul in the process as well. lol.



  6. On 10/04/2022 at 2:14 AM, Cepzeu said:

    You have to get really good at QUICKLY identifying the people you actually want to approach because....

    -The approach window is often very short. i.e. a girl walks past you in town in the middle of the day - you literally have seconds to decide and then do the approach, otherwise the activation energy needed to turn and run back increases as you go deeper and deeper into your thoughts. and eventually that window closes and you lose it.  

    careful to not get neurotic about that.

    i did some pretty hardcore cold approaches in the past, and they made me look like a freak.

    On 10/04/2022 at 2:14 AM, Cepzeu said:

    approaching builds confidence regardless of the outcome.

    this is bullshit. 

  7. On 28/03/2022 at 0:44 AM, PenguinPablo said:

    I've dealt with a lot of loneliness throughout my life. A lot of insecurity. It's liberating to know I've been the only one there the entire time...

    Careful to not fall into the trap of using solipsism to bypass your loneliness. It will not work (especially in the long run).

    Bonding with others is a need.

  8. 19 hours ago, LastThursday said:

    However you distance yourself from him, in the long run the result is the same. Logically, you want to make it as quick as possible for yourself. But you should deal with the situation with integrity and respect.

    yes, i am considering just distancing myself.

    on the other hand, i just want to get this over with. i have no interest in maintaining any sort of contact with him.


    16 hours ago, Kshantivadin said:

    I ask not for lighter burdens, but for broader shoulders

    I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands


    16 hours ago, itachi uchiha said:

    Today i cut down all toxic people.if i do not cut down then i am fucked 

    nowadays i'm more conservative in terms of cutting down people. i only do so if it's really necessary. because if i do it impulsively, i might regret afterwards.


    8 hours ago, PepperBlossoms said:

    You could also look at it like a way to become a better friend, a challenge to take on, and a way for both of you to heal and get stronger together.  You don't have to be perfect to be helpful.

    have you ever tried to be a friend of someone who is struggling with mental illness? it's very exhausting. and what i'm coming to the conclusion is that my emotional support isn't really helping him.

    he needs a good therapist and psychiatrist, and an inner true desire to recover. without that, maintaining an emotional bond with him will sooner or later become unbearable. 

    but anyway, thanks for you input


    8 hours ago, Ulax said:

    Sounds healthy.

    I'd check out, 'When I say no I feel guilty' to validate your desired action

    thanks for the recommendation!

  9. context

    we are not super close. but i do talk with him from time to time. we sometimes have some enjoyable conversations, but his mental state is off the rails.

    three weeks ago he attempted suicide. then the other day he called me when he was in the middle of a crisis. and two days ago, he simply sent me, out of nowhere, a picture of his wrists covered in blood. he had cut himself. he said he had a relapse because of his ex.

    i was in shock. i only send him something like: "i'm not the right person to help you in this moment. you need specialized help asap."

    this made me realize that i have to distance myself from him -- for my own mental health.


    my plan

    i thought about distancing myself in a gradual way. but especially after that picture he sent, he crossed a line that i don't think i should tolerate. so basically he's a person that i don't want to have any contact in my life anymore. 

    so maybe it'd be better to send him a text explaining respectfully -- yet firmly -- why i decided to distance myself from him. and if he insists on interacting with me, i might take more serious measures (e.g., blocking).


    any thoughts? thanks!

  10. current worries:

    • college - are you F kidding me?
      • I had found a hybrid version of psychology, but my college is going to change all of that. FUCK. seriously, that pissed me off really bad. it was going to be great. i would get the benefits of going to in-person classes, but also would not have to go there everyday.
    • dad has lost his job
      • he told me he's trying to become an entrepreneur, but i don't think that's going to work. on the one hand, the job he was at was too stressful, but i do worry about financial stability
    • politics in my country
      • there'll be presidential elections where i live this year. and the scenario doesn't look good at all. dang =(
    • getting bald
      • well, i know this is already happening. it just sucks. i wanna start making money so i can do a hair implant eventually. i used to love my hair. i feel like this is a big lesson on letting go. no wonder why the Buddha shaved his hair...
    • getting fat
      • my weight is decent. it just that i'm stagnated in it. i've been reading a book called "Intuitive Eating". it's very interesting. it's against diet mentality. it's a more intutive approach
    • getting neurotic on this journal
      • i have a tendency for getting too methodical. OCD type of thing.


    things that are going well:

    • relationships
      • i had a stop urge a few months ago to cut a lot of people off of my life. this was a really dumb decision. fortunately, i was able to get in touch with those people. and i'm glad i've recovered these bonds
    • overcoming hypochondria
      • i start getting some sort of pain? OMG! this is going to get chronic!!!! i've been able to spot these thoughts, and have been able to calm myself down.
    • not taking the burden of other to myself
      • i still am a sponge, but i've gotten better at not overwhelming myself with the pain of others. for instance, i worry that my lil brother is going to have psychological problems, because my dad scolds him too much. i used to get really affected by that, but now i feel like it's in a normal intensity. 


    anyway, obviously there are other things, but i will write more in the future.

    thanks for reading.

  11. whenever things don't go as i expect, i start coming up with worst case scenarios in my head. so i want to write about my current "pet worry". there's always a certain situation in my mind that goes: "Now, THIS, is going to fuc* me up". as if the thing that's gonna mess me up completely has finally arrived.

    as soon as i overcome the problem, my mind treats it as if nothing ever happened, and start searching for the my new favorite worry. ?

     the goal of this journal is to write things that i'm currently spending my mental energy on. later on, i want to read this journal and go: "oooh... i didn't even remember that i was worried about that. what a dumb worry." or maybe my catastrophizing will happen and i can confirm that sooner or later, life is going to kick my ass. 

    i'll also probably write things that are going my way.

  12. I had some similar experiences like that when I was neurotically trying to get enlightened through psychedelics & strong determination meditation. I pushed it more and more, as if eventually I'd have a breakthrough and embody Truth. Then, one day it happened. I cracked open the fabric of reality. I was in that state 24/7. I had transcended the Matrix. And I wasn't even using anything nor meditating anymore. I felt like I was everything.

    I reached a point where I thought I could read people's minds, because I was so attuned with the field of energy. Biggest BS of my life, and that lead me to some of the most cringest situations of my life.

    Bottom line is, the only thing I attained was madness and had to go on antipsychotic medication. Nowadays, whenever I start feeling disconnected from my body, I go do something else. That's why I also don't meditate anymore (I do Tai Chi instead). 

    My questions are: If you feel like you're losing your mind, then why do you keep doing those practices? Do you think it's healthy?

  13. my advice would be to have real-life experiences. install tinder or something, and eventually you'll find someone you feel comfortable exploring sexuality.

    no amount of reading (especially on the internet) nor thinking will solve this aspect of your life. i've noticed that as soon as i started to have experiences, intrusive sexual fantasies stopped popping in my head.