EvilAngel

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Posts posted by EvilAngel

  8. Posted

    laptophaver, I saw your message on my post from yesterday, and I just wanted to say - it was supposed to be a fun poll. They are all beautiful women in their own right, and indeed all women are beautiful in their own right; however I found that the beauty expressed in these music videos is particularly incredible, and in fact all three of these music videos reduce me to tears. I find the freedom of expression that these women portray is divinely beautiful, so instead of being a "stupid", "vapid" poll, maybe you could see the place of love where I was coming from? It makes me sad that I might have upset someone, but that was never the intention.

    I would have messaged you directly but it seems you have blocked me. 

     

  16. Posted · Edited by EvilAngel

    @Bill W Thankyou. Yes, such a simple method it is often overlooked. However, it takes a little bit of effort to take control of the mind and start thinking positively. If negativity has been ruling your thinking for a long time, then positivity almost seems unnatural. That's why you've got to FORCE the positive thoughts at first. But it's like surfing a wave - once the first few positive thoughts are focused on, you can 'ride the feeling' so to speak, and more happy thoughts inevitably follow. 

    ???

  17. Posted · Edited by EvilAngel

    Positive thinking actually works. Today I was meditating and wasn't getting the results I was hoping for. I sat for hours, and became "aware of awareness", however the background hum of negative thoughts was stopping me from actually feeling happy.

    If your default mode of thinking is negative then you need to do something about it. It's possible to take control of your mind and focus attention on positive things. If you are depressed, your mind might have convinced you that all those negative thoughts are "real" or "worth worrying about". But just a little bit of conscious effort can turn things around. 

    Whether it's a fond memory or something you're looking forward to, or something you have that you are grateful for, you can actually CHOOSE to focus on these things. 

    Sit down and force yourself to think ONLY happy thoughts for, say, 15 minutes. I bet it will make you feel better. 

  18. Posted

    OK, but when I talk about autism, I mean that I miss social cues etc, because I've stripped the meaning from everything. When someone makes a facial expression, I can see what it is, but it means nothing to me. I have attempted to not be affected at all by the outside world. This means that normal human behaviour also means nothing to me, so I don't react normally. I stand out because of this. I look right through people. People notice me. I am different. 

  25. Posted

    My father is, according to most people who know him, a "lovely guy". He talks in such a "pleasant" manner - extremely measured and calm. He rarely talks about anyone else in a negative light. He will be extremely self-deprecating, yet lavishes others with praise. 

    He's the kind of person who will walk down the street slowly, with a smile on his face whilst everyone else is harried and miserable. He is moved to tears often by nature and art. He rarely takes anything personally and will laugh heartily at himself. He is  gregarious, warm, friendly and humble. He takes a stance on most news stories involving people who have been treated unfairly. He seems to have infinite reserves of empathy for everyone. He is deeply spiritual. He is intelligent and skilled at most things he puts his mind to. He is also popular and handsome. 

    Yes. A lovely guy. But that's not the whole story. 

    When my mother was pregnant with me he dragged her outside and threw her to the ground. My mother used to tell me that he hit her on numerous occasions. I remember him smacking me as a child, and I have a suspicion that he sexually abused me at a time in my childhood when I would be likely to forget. 

    I have no proof of this sexual abuse however, but it would explain the extreme difficulties I've had throughout my life, including incarceration in psychiatric institutions for many years. Yet, my mental health really started to improve when I was put in a unit on the opposite coast of the country from my father. After spending a significant time period away from my mother and him I actually started to feel happy. They couldn't visit me anywhere near as often as they had been able to when I was an inpatient at a unit local to them. Although my father took a stance against the whole psychiatric system, essentially acting as my saviour from the 'evils of psychiatry' I found this ironic considering that I was starting to think that he and my mother had most likely been the original cause of my mental health issues. 

    My parents traumatised me. Then when I grew up and began reacting (with emotional outbursts etc.) to their past abuse of me, they seemingly couldn't understand (because nothing bad was happening in the 'here and now'), and labeled me as "crazy", which was simply adding to the abuse. 

    I've followed Daniel Mackler on YouTube and also read a book of his. He has helped give me a perspective on my situation. He says that there's no need to forgive your parents and that confrontation is the way forward. 

    It seems like my parents' abuse and control of me is the biggest factor in my mental illness. It's not a coincidence that my mental health significantly improved when my mother died 5 years ago. 

    I currently live in the same city as my father. He triggers me all the time, so I'm wondering if I should just go no contact with him. Maybe even move to somewhere far away from him again.