Damir Elezi

Hey guys, I hope you can help me with this one because it kind of became more and more of a problem for me. So my girlfriend, who I have been together with for 8 months now, is suffering from depression since she was around 13-14 (She is 19 now). She has been in a psychiatry for half a year because she cut her wrists and tried to kill herself several times. Reasons for all that were that she wasn't treated well and was sometimes even abused by her parents as a child and at the time she was 13, she didn't really have friends and got picked on a lot at school. Today, she still visits her psychologist every week but she is actually fine, no suicide thoughts and no cutting any more, and of course she was even able to have a relationship with me. Still the depression has definitely not disappeared from her mind. Every time she has to study for an important test or she has to show some kind of skill in any way she says things like "I can't do it" and "I am too bad", which actually keeps her from even trying. She thinks she is too fat (not just to show off but she actually feels bad after she eats a little more, although she is pretty skinny and sporty), and she always puts the needs of others in front of her own. Until now I was able to help her with these issues pretty well I think, because I gave her love, talked to her, tried to inspire her and it worked. She really became less depressive and more confident in general. The problem is that our college finals (or something like that, the school system is different in Germany, don't know how to explain it) are coming up and she is extremely stressed. She says that she can not do anything, can not achieve anything in life and even that she is not worthy to be loved or cared for, because she is a failure. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like she only bitches around and most of you guys will probably tell me to break up, but I only told you the bad sides. Most of the time she is an incredibly nice, beautiful and fun girl and she really enriched my life and my personal development as well. I feel that she has incredible potential to reach pretty big goals. She is intelligent and caring and if you go by the model of spiral dynamics, I would consider her on a higher stage than me. I really respect her and I feel that she can teach me a lot. The problem is that the depression acts like cancer in her mind, sometimes getting stronger and disabling any rational thought when she gets a bit nervous. It literally keeps her from being the great person she could be. I am not asking you to tell me how you can fight depression because I know there are psychologists for that and that it will probably still take a lot of time. This whole thing was actually not that much of an issue but with all the school stuff going on it gets worse and worse and I spend much energy trying to talk to her in these moments. Do you have any advice for me? What can I do or say to strengthen her self-esteem? Are there any meditation techniques or other exercises for happiness and being satisfied with what you have instead of grieving about things you think you can not do? Should I go on trying to help her or do you think it takes too much of my energy? Sorry for the long post, but wanted to explain this stuff in detail. Thank you in advance.

I had the problem some months ago. I used to do so much stuff every day but still it seemed like I couldn't get anything done because I didn't have time for anything. What stopped me was the realization that these activities do not necessarily have to get done, but you WANT them to get done. You always have the choice to cut something out. Then you should ask yourself why you want to do all these things. I think your highest goal should be your own happiness and fulfilment, as well as contribution to the world. All your activities might help you pursue this goal, but if you do too much, it directly stops you from being happy. You can not find happiness in laziness, but neither in working too much. Also you can not 'master' so many things at the same time. Mastery is a journey without a destination. You should have 1 or 2 things, you really dedicate yourself to, but not every activity has to be mastered. Thinking like this only leads to workaholism and frustration as you won't see any improvement if you do too much. Find out what is absolutely necessary for the pursuit of your happiness and make these activities a routine. In other words: do the stuff that makes you happy! But beware: happy does not mean lazy. You gotta get out of your comfort zone. Cross out all the other stuff. You can do that in your free time. This way you will get shit done but still won't be overworking, happy and healthy. Watch Leo's videos about workaholism and time management, he really inspired me with those.

I think this is the wrong way. Just telling yourself "I have to be grateful and stop complaining" will force you to suppress your true desires deeper and deeper inside you until they build up and may cause some psychological problems some time. I believe that our current society is way too based on money and material success. Of course, because personal development helps you deal with your every day life, it puts much emphasis on the financial aspect, which is the most important thing for our society in general. But I would say that you should never do a job just because it is "the better option" financially. Personal development is all about realizing and reaching your full potential. This can only be done if adjust your financial career according to your personal values, desires and goals. Not the other way around. Money should only be a tool, not your meaning of life. Try to pursue your passion to help and motivate people.

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I find Leo's videos very helpful, true and easy to understand, but I never really got behind this enlightenment thing. All of you on this forum seem to be really convinced, that we all actually have no seperate self, which makes us all a single being. But how can you be so sure of this? If you say "This is the truth, the meaning of life etc." does this not make it another dogma? Another idea? As far as I know, Leo also did not reach the state of enlightenment yet, did he? Don't get me wrong, I believe that the feeling of spirituality and a sense of connection to the world, as we experience it in very rare moments of our lives, can be experienced more often through constant practice through meditation and so on. But actually sensing that we are actually not seperate AT ALL? I'm sorry for being so provocative but all this just does not really make sense to me. Could someone maybe explain enlightenment to me in a rational, relatable kind of way? Like how do you know that this is true and how is it different from any other spiritual belief?

@Pinocchio I agree very much with the article you linked there. I realized before that we can not know anything for certain, except for the fact that we exist in some kind of way. But I don't know how to resume from that point. Could you maybe recommend a book that explains this topic?

@Leo Gura @Pinocchio I kind of understand where you are going but for me there seems to be some kind of logical mistake in there. You say there is no "me" I can really point to. But does this absence of a seperate personality mean that all existence is just a "dream" and the only thing that's real is awareness? I see it this way: We are all made up of atoms, which form chemical substances, which form certain structures, forming living cells, forming organs, forming the human body as an eco-system of all these living organism. (Of course we are not the last entity, as we ourselves are parts of the eco-system of the earth.) We can not track our seperate "self" because, scientifically speaking, we are not one entity, but a system of billions of entities, which are made up of the same stuff as any other matter in the universe. In this sense you could say that we are made out of the same material as anything else but how does that mean that everything is the same and nothing is really real? I think we have this "Illusion of self" because our brain creates it in order to hold us as a system together. We are limited to our emotions, our feelings, our senses. I can not feel what another person feels etc. how is it then possible that we are all the same thing and have the illusion of being seperate? Of course now you would argue that all this is a projection of the "ego". But.. how do you come to that conclusion? I want to get it because I feel there is something basic about that which I don't understand.

Personally, I have experienced the same thing but I have noticed an improvement since I started meditating on a regular basis and let go of some extremely strict goals. Often, when people judge other people too much, they tend to be dissatisfied with their own lives in general. Try to cultivate a feeling of sympathy and connection towards other human beings (There are meditation techniques, which are designed for this. For example the buddhist technique of Metta Bhavana). If you want a more logical view on things, ask yourself what exactly makes you better than these people? Personal development improves your enjoyment of life, but it does not make you a better person in any way, does it? Its all a matter of perspective. You can be as smart, as strong, as beautiful as you want, in the end we are all going to die, just as any living being on this planet. You improve your life quality - good for you, but that should lead to a feeling of sympathy for others who have not found their paths in life. Not a feeling of superiority. Maybe you should try to show the people you tend to judge some of your routines a.s.o., they may also create a better life for themselves. And who knows, maybe they can teach you something as well.

Hey guys, I am 18 years old and just got into this topic of self-actualization. I watched some videos on Leo's and other channels and skimmed through some basic books from the library about the topic. I am still at the beginning of my life and have to find out what carreer I want to choose. I want to gain some power to make a change and contribute to society. I am also very interested in meditation and spirituality as long as it is based on facts and not some new-age hocus pocus. My question is: Can some of you guys tell me (and other potential beginners) where and how to start? For example some good books for starters, some basic routines, efficient meditation techniques for beginners a.s.o.?

Thank you for the very helpful response, but I have some questions. 1. How exactly do you remind yourself of your death every hour? Do you use an alarm clock? And what thought processes do you go through in order to get this thought really clear in your mind? 2. To be honest, when I think about my own death I get demotivated, rather than motivated, because I realize that me and everything I create will turn into nothingness, so what is the point in actually pursuing anything?