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Everything posted by Preety_India

  1. I feel a bit suffocated and stymied with my femininity. I see males around me are quite active, assertive and dominant. They take quick decisions. They are good at cutting down too much fluff and emotion whereas I'm more like " girl crying into pillow not wanting to leave bed." I kinda admire the cutthroat masculinity in males. Of course I love my graceful chaotic femininity, yet it is not helpful with achieving goals. I see masculine people doing better with goals. My submissive female instinct causes me to surrender very quickly(imagine feminine sexual surrender). This makes me passive, submissive,docile but also less strict. I always imagine I feel the need of a man(masculine figure/archetype) holding a whip and acting strict/disciplinary to make me do things. My submissiveness craves dominance to complete aspects that lack in dominance in my psyche. I wanna achieve this on my own and integrate things that I lack. I remember months ago Emerald(from Diamond Net) did my tarot reading and told me that I need to become more masculine or add masculine aspects to myself. She was right on the money.. As a strong feminine, I feel very comfy, girly girly and less purpose driven(please I don't want to sound sexist, so please don't make my thread into "I'm sexist" nonsense, I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel as a woman). So I wanna ask - how to be more masculine ? Additional information (added later)- I need to cultivate masculinity but finding it difficult because I don't naturally posses it. I have always been surrounded by females. I never talk much to men. So I'm kinda closed off to their masculinity. There is no male in my life right now. I think having a male helps with such things. To have some influence. Like whenever I'm surrounded by many men, I watch them, learn from them and I feel motivated to do better, I try to rub their qualities on me little bit, generally dominant males help me achieve this. Also the men that I allow in my friends circle are feminine tame gay type men because if I allow those masculine dudes, they will quickly try to get sexual with me. So there's an inherent "fight off" feeling with such men and I don't allow them to be my friends. I kinda push them out to avoid sexual tension. I only allow the girly type men to come close and become friends.. Masculine men obviously generate some primal fear in me(images of forceful sex etc creating fear ) not that I'm afraid of such men but it can be a bit challenging to be around them unless it's a romantic scenario.
  2. I have finally figured why I suffer so much. And the root cause of my troubles. The root cause is that I'm not selfish. I'm barely selfish. But not selfish enough to maintain survival. I'm simply surviving but selfishness is not a solid background underneath my survival My survival is aimless like that of a poet who sits down by the river and keeps writing songs but never actually does anything that will truly help his survival. His bare instinct is helping him.
  3. @fopylo I'm not having any fun. I'm a serious seeker. Thanks
  4. I'm trying really hard to become more Selfish. This is my weak area. Selflessness looks good on paper, even in practice, however I want to be able to play this game right. I want to modulate my selflessness and a add some selfishness to the mix so I'm not too unhinged. Give me some tips and suggestions on how to become more Selfish. I lack self preservation instinct or at least there's something fundamentally screwed with my self preservation compass. I always throw away my own good and become the sacrificial lamb in every situation. I lack being selfish. This is not a boundary issue. It's like I have to force myself to be Selfish in every situation and my mind usually goes mute on this. I start acting like a mule and become too sacrificial. I have realised it's getting detrimental to my well being. I need to act selfish or die trying. It's good to be empathetic but I want to be selfish like other people around me. I struggle thinking selfishly because the strategy or technique/value system is missing. I want to hone my opportunistic side for better survival. I know that this sounds a bit contradictory especially after I began my spiritual path. However midway on this spiritual path, I realised that if I don't act selfishly there is a foreseeable danger to my life. That won't go according to plan. So the damage control mode was to focus back on survival. I have now understood that my spiritual job involves to not only grow a building but also a fortress at the same time or else the building is gone and I'm finished. So selfishness has to be an important part of this equation in the sense of self preservation. This is tough Because I never properly learned or integrated skills of survival and selfishness. I always operated from a paradigm of giving giving and giving more, but never understood how to grab instead of "give." Now I'm struggling to grab for myself. If you have always been selfless the majority of your life, becoming selfish will feel like learning Greek and vice versa, that is if you mostly been selfish, then suddenly becoming selfless becomes an arduous task. I know this sounds like a foolish question but whatever, at this stage I need to save myself. That's my priority. Any practical tips and exercises please. I don't need your lecture/spiritual platitude.
  5. I think the pattern of a life purpose has started to emerge. I am having a distant intuition of my life purpose, although it seems vague right now to me, it is absolutely fascinating and I would be full of passion to pursue it through and through. I feel a little embarrassed and hesitant to reveal it thinking what others might think. But I need to reveal it anyway. So here it is. My life purpose is to manifest God in my life through my art, expression, a career in organic farming and through teaching kids. I know it sounds vague and maybe I won't be able to make much money out of it, but at this point in my life, money has taken a backseat. For me leading a deeply spiritual life is important. Without it, my life would be unfulfilled. My parents pressurised me into picking a financial career. I got good grades and worked as an intern for a year but I was frustrated at the end. I dropped it and started pursuing my studies again. This time I want a change. I want to lead a beautiful life, with or without money. Maybe few years down the path, I might turn into a hippie or a monk in a cave or any isolated place. But it has to be serene and beautiful. That's what I always wanted. People might judge me as useless or unsuccessful but for me my success lies in doing that which fulfills me on a deeper level. I think I should listen to the voice of my passion because I believe that I will be my authentic self only if I do what I truly love pursuing. This thought came to me when I was taking a quiet walk through nature and I realized that almost every bird, tree, flower, leaf, even the wind and rock, every creation in nature was actually a manifestation of God. And then I thought, well, I'm a creation of God too.....
  6. I'm tired of fear dominating the whole of my life.
  7. I want to become a recluse again.
  8. Something I need to get over is this fear
  9. You're a savior. This is how I was feeling. I always felt ashamed, guilty and demonized for spending time with myself.
  10. @ivankiss I see myself as very feminine. I understand the importance of being authentic. But I also want to integrate masculine traits that I don't have.. Not like I'm trying to be like men, however integrating some from men is no harm.
  11. I hardly ever debate @Leo Gura. This is probably the first time I showed some spine debating him. I'm usually scared of him. I tend to recoil in fear of him because he is more logical than me and I have fear of authority. He is male, authoritarian, founder of the forum, so that definitely makes me nervous and I try to not argue too much with him. So whenever he comes down on me, I tend to cower back and flee the argument. This is my typical response to any authoritarian male (sometimes to authoritarian females as well) Male aggression makes me cower back as a typical response. I'm just glad Leo is never too aggressive with me. In a way he doesn't need to. If he says even a little, I immediately leave his discussion and don't drag it further. For me just a few words is enough to start recoiling back. I'm too shy and reserved and fearing kind of person, not how people imagine me. A tiny bit of authority can make me submissive.
  12. So for this journal 2 threads are most relevant
  13. I need to use this thread for this Like the guy in the thread says - Stage Orange Stage Red Stage Masculine
  14. @thisintegrated I swear I'm the slowest person on this forum. Emerald told me last year that I needed a dose of masculinity. It's like a year now I guess and I'm still struggling. Then I must be really slow.
  15. All I can say is that I have a poorly integrated masculine. I remember some guy telling me on the forum not long ago that masculinity represents mainly about mission, purpose, duty, and protection according to David Deida I tend to lack these qualities mentioned.
  16. Yea yea I'm trying to get there.
  17. @thisintegrated lolling at hormone. Nope. I don't want hormones. I need to cultivate masculinity but finding it difficult because I don't naturally posses it. I have always been surrounded by females. I never talk much to men. So I'm kinda closed off to their masculinity. There is no male in my life right now. I think having a male helps with such things. To have some influence. Like whenever I'm surrounded by many men, I watch them, learn from them and I feel motivated to do better, I try to rub their qualities on me little bit, generally dominant males help me achieve this.
  18. Men were known for hunting gathering In order to get more selfish, I'll have to embrace masculinity. Masculine elements are horribly lacking in me Males are driven.
  19. Seeking stage Red and stage Orange Elements of opportunism Elements of selfishness Elements of logic and craftiness Elements of greediness Elements of survival Elements of passion, purpose driven, assertiveness,leadership, go getter Elements of preservation Elements of gathering- hunter gatherer masculine aspects Elements of strictness, discipline-again masculine Elements of rigor ... tenacity Elements of mastery Elements of productivity, desired results Elements of goal orientation,vision making Elements of motivation (imagine Tony Robbins ) Elements of core discipline Elements of integrity and Stage Orange ethics Elements of ambition Elements of judgement Elements of implementation, action, outcome, practice Most of these elements if observed carefully are masculine.
  20. I meant how to integrate some masculine aspects into my femininity. I'm talking about masculine integration.
  21. This is a good exercise.
  22. Certain elements that I can see in the posts above are - Seeking to be more opportunistic Seeking self preservation Seeking self protection Building of the fortress.... protection in general. Seeking masculine qualities
  23. Another question that I can add to the list is How to raise vibration to a more balanced level. Not just vibrating to attract good people. But vibrating to repel bad people by establishing boundaries. (Unfuckwithable) Vibrating to develop psychic resonance as well as vibrating to master spirituality. These are 2 different things.