billiesimon

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Posts posted by billiesimon


  1. Yeah, I could not believe it.

    I read @Leo Gura's short replies about cannabis weeks ago, recounting that he had a massive awakening with it. And I also did a lot of reasearch on youtube (Nondual Therapy channel has nice videos on it), and it seems like several spiritual people have had intense psychedelic trips with THC. So I was really curious since I already have several psychedelic experiences and some higher states of consciousness from sober techniques.

    THE DOSAGE AND STRAIN

    I received this powerful italian strain (I am italian) of 20% THC and sativa dominant. After several days of anxiety and fear about it, I decided to try it.

    I weighed 25 mg of raw bud, which is very low, and put it in my small bong.

    Just two hits and nothing more.

     

    THE TRIP

     

    After the first hit I feel a lot more present, silent, and my desires and wants seem to fade away. Pleasant orange taste.

    Second hit, finishing up the tiny fragment of bud. "Well, there's nothing happening. I guess it's ok, I'll do something else."

    BOOOOM and it hits me.

    Massive waves of anxiety and fear start to torture me. Never happened so hard on psychedelics, it's the first time that it's so aggressive. Fear, fear, anxiety, terror.

    I'm gonna die!!! I feel like I'm mentally dying, and my body is almost completely relaxed and still. I recognize the ego death, so I decide to LET GO in order to avoid a bad trip. I surrender over the course of 3 minutes and my fast heart beat calms down.

     

    Silence.

     

    I am nowhere. I am nowhere to be found.

    Where am I? I am nowhere, this body... is just a body. This voice, is just a voice. I am nowhere.

    I start to feel that I am both nowhere and everywhere.

    I have small moments of deep samadhi with objects, but as soon as I start listening to my human voice, I get back into my ego and lose the samadhi.

    I notice that I FEEL SAFER in my ego. It feels safe. "I am this person" feels safe. It's the fear of death, the fear of losing free will and the fear of oneness.

     

    Massive energy waves

    Huge energy/frequency waves hit me from every where, they are almost colorful, but they are mostly felt with the touch sense. It's INFINITE energy. I feel infinite energy hitting me everywhere. There's infinite energy forever and ever and ever in existence. It never stops and it's limitless. For several minutes I have felt drowning in this infinite energy.

    It felt like an infinite quicksand, an infinite rabbit hole made of waves. I feel massive fear of losing completely myself in this infinite limitless texture of energy.

     

    What it means to be pure

    Pure means that you surrender to existence, to the universe, to the whole. The pure one is surrendered and humble. Not morally humble. It is existentially humble. Surrendering to the universe, which I decided to do, made me feel like I was gaining so much power, but I recognized that this power was NOT mine. It was NOT mine. It was of the whole, of the singularity. Surrendering your uniqueness gives you the power of the whole. That's purity.

     

    Fear of losing time and comedown

    Towards the end I start to feel so out of place, literally, that I was too afraid of going deeper. I could totally feel that I could go deeper, but I was too afraid to. Deeper into infinity. Deeper into oneness. Deeper into purity. It's TOO MUCH for me. So I start intentionally to practice monkey mind, listening to music and reflecting on my life. Sometimes I gain more humanness, but sometimes I become conscious of how I'm creating time and how I'm creating my lifestory (which is fiction) inside my head. So I freak out and start to do something else to distract. I notice that I tend to do automatic self inquiry in this trip, something I cannot stop because it seems part of the trip.

     

    Walk outside and total comedown

    At the end I decide to walk outside, and purposefully think. The presence is strong, so sometimes my mind goes blank and I feel a strong connection to everything xD After 40 min of walking I'm somehow out of the trip.

     

    2 hours of peak state, 1.5 hours of comedown. What the fuck. 

    Amazing experience but also really aggressive, especially the infinite waves. I guess I cannot smoke weed for relaxation and fun :/


  2. 6 hours ago, ardacigin said:

    @billiesimon Thats great. Are you still experiencing this understanding as a constant baseline or was this a one time state of insight realization that seems no longer possible to replicate?

    It was a temporary state, but my baseline of consciousness has gone up. My everyday consciousness is a bit higher now, and I reach a good level of concentration/presence a lot faster. I think that now it will be easier to reach no-self again. 

    I deeply feel that something subtle has changed. Today I did some self inquiry and I felt much closer to a state of samadhi, even though I did not reach it. 

    Objects/perceptions are a bit more real now and I can notice way more how unconscious my everyday life is. It's literally a walking daze. Some of us have no idea how unconscious life is :|


  3. 2 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

    I'd say that's a while without ego. what we meditate try to make happen more or less permanently. that is to say, you have stopped interpreting reality for a while, the energy that analyzes, evaluates, classifies, compares, has been silent for a few fucking minutes and it seemed to you that you were floating in the abyss since there was no handhold to hold on to, only reality. 

    Yes, exactly. 

    The ego/human identity creates distinctions and meaning. My life story and the world history were gone, and so all human meanings and labels. It was really pleasant because there's a huge silent freedom in this, and my consciousness was closer to truth than before.


  4. 4 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

    Sounds like you’re progressing well. I would like to point out that many of the elements of this report of events lines up with some insights into emptiness though. Seeing the liquidity of form is a stepping stone to seeing emptiness. Seeing no self is a stepping stone to emptiness. No self also goes deeper than ego death though. No self insight can eventually show the emptiness of the Atman (Self).

    Yes, I believe it was a blending of emptiness and oneness too.

    It's more an experience of Anatman (Anatta). There was no cosmic Self, just fusion with a silent experience. I am really interested in moving up towards the true Atman, which is more of a Hindu-style awakening. Anatman is the classic buddhist experience.


  5. 55 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

    If you fear it too much and it makes you not want to pursue spirituality anymore, expect a strong boomerang effect (i.e. it will come back even stronger), because when you let go of seeking at the right time, it has the chance to become your baseline state.

    I'm not giving up spirituality, I've worked for it for almost 4 years xD But I need to slow down because it was intense.

    Why does it come back stronger?


  6. 14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Good. What more is there to say?

    You're not dead though. There is no death.

    Well, I meant dead as a human ego. But I am once again in my human identity, it was just a temporary state.

    Well, I wanted to know if it is possible to go deeper with sober techniques :) since this was all "manual work".


  7. I have never experienced something like this, not even on psychedelics, even though I've had around 50 trips. I've been practicing sober inquiries for 4 years too.

    Today something exploded in me and reality got completely recontextualized and I am in a deep state of identitarian confusion now, I have trouble doing human stuff because I'm still in shock.

     

    @Leo Gura of course this is not the God realization you talk about, but this is the deepest I've had and the most shocking part is that it's completely sober and it has escalated SO QUICKLY.... I am scared now.

    Here it is:

    I went to a meditative walk three hours ago. I love doing Eckhart style walks, challenging myself to become more and more conscious of my perceptions, I allow thoughts but I treat them as normal perceptions, not too seriously.

    I managed to keep this deep concentration for an hour and an half, and when I reached home I was so present that every movement and perception was slowed down in time. Deep silence, there were thoughts but these thoughts were not different from the other perceptions, nothing personal.

    Time was slowed down, deep silence, and a deep sense of mystery and of flowing easily with life, no worries.

    I decide to lie down on my bed to relax in silence.

    I enter into a DEEP meditative state (closed eyes) where my senses become fluid and like some kind of psychedelic blend of perceptions. I MELT INTO MY OWN SENSES in darkness, it's a melting pot of thoughts, emotions, sounds, feelings, smells etc. Everything melts into undifferentiated senses.

     

    Time STOPS.

     

    Time stops.

     

     

    .....

     

    I wake up.

    I wake up but there is no billiesimon. I AM DEAD.

    I wake up, my body moves, I see the room, I am nowhere, I am in no time.

    FORMS ARE LIQUID, they are static but I deeply feel how liquid and mysterious they are. They are like clay, a clay I don't know how has the power to model.

    There is no identity, there is no one here, but forms. THERE ARE ONLY FORMS THERE IS NO ME!!!!!!! This bed, this wall, these hands, these are all true but there is no billiesimon here, it makes no sense!!!! There is no life here, only shapes and "perceptions" floating in the deep silence of NO-TIME.

    I am DEAD. I am dead. I am dead.

     

     

    ....

    After several minutes of staring deeply in love with these silent shapes, a voice comes up, finally.

    "Hey, hey, hey, this is not normal, billiesimon, please listen to me!!!"

    What?

    "Please remember."

    What? 

    So.... my identity started to come back. I started to REMEMBER that I have a name, a past, a human agenda, a life-story, which seems quite imaginary now.

     

    In the end the voice GRASPS ME and BECOME ME. It's MAGIC.

    I've NEVER seen in my life formlessness become form (ego) in such a deep and clear way. I am a specific form now. I am billiesimon.

    PANIC AND TERROR. 

    "Oh my god what the fuck just happened?!?!? Am I insane?????" Fear and terror, but the deep silence and the "melting forms" sensation remains there, calming me. It's ok, it's just a thought, it's not real danger.

    ------------------------------

    I have no words to describe this, especially because it's completely sober, and it has escalated quite quickly (two hours at most), from a baseline common level of consciousness.

    I've had important glimpses on psychedelics, but this is another story because I've never had such a complete ego death with psychedelics.

    I was completely dead, yet I was so alive, because there were just Forms, there was no important distinctions between any form whatsoever, and time was COMPLETELY GONE. 

    Timeless forms, united. No personal self. I don't know how to interpret this because it's not an emptiness awakening, it's some kind of "melting distinctions into silent oneness".

    The sense of mystery completely OVERPOWERED ME. Inexplicable mystery. Reality is TOO REAL, I HAD NO IDEA that reality was SO REAL.

    It literally felt like reality was way beyond realness. It's insane. I hope my identity doesn't get damaged by this because I feel some kind of fearful backlash now.

    @Leo Gura sorry for the long read but this was devastating yet blissful to me. I have no word to describe how beautiful forms are in that state. Hope you have some advice xD


  8. 2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    There is a logic to reality, but it is not the standard formal simplistic human logic of science.

    God's logic is not human logic.

    Plenty of philosophers believed that God = logos. I find this accurate in the sense that God is creating reality following an intelligent architecture and has a "plan" for all his experiences. 


  9. 6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    The topic is understanding everything about Consciousness, Mind, and God.

    @Leo Gura I have been following you since the early self-inquiry videos, vedanta style (before 5-MeO), and I have seen an ever-evolving arc of deeper and deeper realizations. I have also benefited spiritually from you a lot. So the question arises: could there be a deeper, more awake, layer than God realization?

    And, I'll go as far as saying: could reality be an infinite regress? For example, under material reality there's nonduality, then there's God consciousness, then there's another material reality of which God is just a byproduct or a small insignificant component, then this deeper material reality has its own Oneness, then it has its own higher-order God etc etc etc in an infinite regress.

    Is it possible? it's still Infinity, if you think about it. The only problem with that is that invalidates the Self, because it might mean that even the Self, or Absolute I, is a fiction, or just a small sample of reality.

    What do you think?


  10. 45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    What I mean is something much more twisted: Leo's body is actually an alien mouse when seen from the proper state of consciousness. The look of my body doesn't change, but you become so conscious that you simply start see yourself as an alien.

    Imagine awakening to the fact that you are not a human but an alien. But your physical appearance does not change.

    I think you're talking about radical recontextualization. I have experienced hardcore recontextualizations of objects and even my bedroom with salvia divinorum. The object remains the same but it has lost ALL human contexts, labels and perspectives. Is this what you mean?

    Also, this experience has some salvia vibes in it xD


  11. 26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Again, ridiculously high levels of God-Realization.

    The poetic description video was one of your best but I think you have had a lot more spiritual insights after that. 

    Can you do a new video about the newest levels of awakening? Also some new techniques for sober inquiry would be really interesting :)


  12. 5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    I would not recommend it for most people. But for those who are very serious and willing to accept full responsibility for the dangers, it is a powerful tool.

    Yes, I totally underline this, about Salvia.

    Salvia Divinorum can actually be a powerful nondual psychedelic, but it needs to be understood and mastered. I've done several light and medium trips with it. It has nice healing powers. But the best part is how it makes you realize how everything in the universe is "in your head", because that's the feeling that you get.
    The entire universe is some kind of content inside the context of your "metaphysical head". No other psych has given me this kind of insight. Really shocking. 


  13. 4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    It does not feel bordem in the human sense. But it will eventually tire of just being infinite.

    Ok, thanks for the explanation, I still can't feel this boredom when I reach higher states, only attraction for the nondual state.

    5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    How do you think you got finite?

    In my direct experience I don't have the answer. I'm only certain of being "stuck" here in this no-place. It feels like my human life is a deep dark mystery. The only glimpse of answer I got was "I like the challenge of starting as a resentful loser and then becoming a loving and wise entity." Which is exactly why I have stopped resenting my victimized past and started feeling deep compassion for everyone. But... Yeah, in those peak states I feel like there's satisfaction in the challenge of "from loser to loving being". I've become such a bleeding heart since I've started spirituality 4 years ago, I can feel empathy even for insects (even though I don't like them and have a bias).

    Your question is really deep, it's no joke. It triggered this profound reflection, I needed to write it out to you all :) 

    On some level it's hard because now I feel too much compassion and it's making me a people pleaser xD I know you might say "compassion it's just a dream bla bla", ok, I'm not arguing.

    But... yeah, I'm trying to convey what I can't convey.

    In those states, sometimes even during your "hand meditations/inquiries", I get that devastating feeling that I'm not here to fuck around with a useless commoner life. I'm here because I am special. Not in the egoic sense. I'm special in the selfless meaning. I'm special because I can grow from resentment and hurt (my past) to share compassion with everything. The process of feeling love for insects even though I have strong biases has shocked me precisely because I got it from your famous hand meditation xDxDxD 

     

    Yeah, I really needed to write this out. It's a really really vast and intricate question.


  14. 51 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    If you were fully conscious, you'd be complaining that things are too obvious and boring.

    You love the drama of being finite.

    Have you felt this even in the higher states of god realization? I have felt so much satisfaction in my experiences of nonduality that I find it hard to believe.

    Is it even possible that the Godhead feels boredom? Boredom is a slight negative emotion, not a nondual state.


  15. On 22/9/2022 at 5:49 PM, Insane butterfly said:

    2-CB Fly is pretty mild and manageable. It's simplifying abstract insights for me

     

    It depends. My first time with 2C-B-FLY I was already experienced with LSD, and already have had some small spiritual insights.

    I got serious fear of choking, fear of death and deep anxiety on the come up. Like some kind of small 5-meo trip. At the peak I got powerful bliss states and cried a lot for the beauty of nature and life. So, yeah, it depends. I fear 2C-B-FLY trips, they are harder than LSD for me. I've had 4 trips of this compound and it evokes really strong emotions, sometimes shocking. 

    I remember I was trying to remove the 2C-B-FLY from the body by going to the toilet (plugged) but it was too late. And it was not a big dose, around light-common, 10 mg. 


  16. 2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    I did one hit of weed, tripped for 16 hours. Longest single trip in my life. One of my deepest too.

    I was floating is Absolute Infinity for like 6 hrs.

    Could not walk straight for 2 days after.

    That's amazing! 

    I have a decent experience with spiritual insights on psychs (40 trips) and even in some deep sober inquiries. Would you recommend a THC trip? Could it be beneficial? 


  17. 6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Dead is imaginary.

    You are trapped in your own mind for all of eternity right now. And it's great! Enjoy the show.

    The issue here is that you are imagining future scenarios based on fear. If you could die you wouldn't have a self who would care about any experience. Death would be the end of fear and suffering. So even if you could exist as an endless black void, it would not be a bad thing as you presently hold it to be. Without a sense of time, an endless black void can last a trillion years but feel like 3 seconds.

    But I guess that after the death of this form there is no eternal black void. 

    What happens if this form dissapears? 


  18. Another feeling I often get is that it's just shapes moving, but the awakening process is not related to the forms moving around. It feels like a big eye, and this eye is all the human senses, and this eye is the whole universe watching itself. An eye made of different shapes watching themselves. 

    Really weird but I get it only a few times o.O and it messes with my psyche a lot. 


  19. 33 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    Well then, why don't you, as God, change the story to make yourself constantly high?

    I can't, since I don't know myself as God in the present moment while writing this. It's a memory from a "past" experience where I contemplated the question. Of course the insight might be wrong, but I feel that psychs are nothing special, since i've had even some small oneness moments in my normal dreams. So it's not about the psychs but all about God's plans for the ego. Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice but to walk the spiritual path. 

    But if you have a different experience I am open to hear it :)


  20. 9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    They change your brain chemistry. And that's no small thing that you can just will your way around. Your brain chemistry dictates your entire experience of life. ENTIRELY.

    And yet, all of chemistry is ultimately imaginary. Quite a bitch of a the paradox, eh? ;)

    From my own experiences with psychs, it's not a paradox. 

    Psychedelics seem to be just a form, like all the others. They are just dreamed up to be the enhancer of consciousness.

    In other words they are just a "plot device" to wake up more directly than classic spiritual techniques (which are also plot devices). 

    I mean, there's nothing special in psychedelics. They are just chosen by God to fit that role in the story. 

    At least that's what I have contemplated INSIDE a psychedelic trip :)