billiesimon

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Posts posted by billiesimon

  1. Posted

    41 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

    I hear ya. I was in a lame vanilla relationship for 11 years - during my sexual peak (arrrrgh).

    I've only had a few one-night stands / flings. They generally felt unnatural to me. I just didn't feel like a "player". One time after sex, it felt so shallow. There was no connection. I didn't know her at all. It felt fake - yet she was a very real person with real emotions. She wanted to cuddle afterwards and I'm thinking "Are you serious??!! We are strangers to each other." I was so uncomfortable I had to leave. I couldn't continue. I left her there alone and I felt awful. I must have apologized a dozen times.

    For a while, I thought the lesson was that I need to date someone for a bit to establish a connection. Yet, one day I found myself with a woman in Colombia and we connected immediately. We totally opened ourselves and shared our inner selves. Really deep emotional stuff. It felt so natural to have sex together and it was beautiful. Then, this happened with another woman. So, I learned it is possible for me to have an instant connection and meaningful sex on short notice. Yet, it's very rare.

    My BIG sexual revelation had nothing to do with one-night stands or scoring with women. It came when I dated a sexually liberated woman. She had none of the guilt or shame about sex. She had no rules. She was open, free and wanted to try so many things with me. I was completely comfortable with her and we tried things that would be taboo in my Catholic upbringing. We explored a lot of kinky stuff. It was very liberating to me. MUCH more so than having vanilla sex with a woman I picked up in a bar.

    That's a very interesting and useful story! thanks!

    I also have problems with never having had "crazy experiences", like threesomes and all that stuff. This pains me a lot because I unconsciously avoided all those paths in life to keep myself "clean".

    The problematic part is that when I hear men having these experiences, I feel a slight slight envy, but when it's women who tell me these stories... I feel so resentful towards myself. Such a loser. I think this stems from the fear of being judged a "nice loser guy" by women.

    Growing up I've always seen girls choosing the fuckboys over me, and I think that I developed this sense of shame around being a nice guy. Nowadays I feel a lot of shame when a woman tells me I'm nice, actually.

  2. Posted

    7 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

    @billiesimon What is holding you back from playing this role? From exploring your sexuality? What is the underlying block?

    Personally, I grew up in a Catholic home with a lot of guilt about sex. And a lot of rules about who to have sex with, when to have sex and what type of sex to have. It took me a long time to deconstruct that conditioning. I had to deconstruct both intellectually and emotional conditioning. Intellectual came before emotional. For example, I intellectually understood that a consensual one-night stand was not immoral to me. Yet, it still *felt* wrong to me. It took a while for me to get through the emotional conditioning. When I did, I was free to explore my sexuality. And it's a wonderful thing to explore!

    I have a very similar background :D My family is catholic, which is normal in europe, but some families are more secular than others. Mine was pretty traditionalist. I grew up with a similar sense of guilt, and shame about my own desires. 

    I think that part of me is still somehow held back by this conditioning, and I also have a very strong resentment towards myself for never letting go to a casual sex lifestyle. 

  3. Posted · Edited by billiesimon

    1 hour ago, Spiral said:

    When there's nothing wrong with that, go out and have fun.  

    I meant:  https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuckboy

    LOOOOL!

    I mean it in the RSD way. They usually use the term "fuckboy" to describe a guy who has casual sex or fuckbuddy sex. Never heard about this "faking relationships" thing. I hate that.

  4. Posted · Edited by billiesimon

    1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

    I got that from your post :)

    I mainly just wanted to say it because some girls are special and need to be told upfront lol 

    I had my adventurous stage myself :) so no judgement here whatsoever! 

    Just make sure you are smart about it for your own protection :x:x

    To me it's important because I've never never had an adventure, only relationships all my twenties.

    For my part, I'm completely clean and healthy, and always been. I'm going to protect myself 100% to keep being clean of diseases.

    Thanks again :x

  5. Posted

    15 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

    @billiesimon All I can say is, I think it is totally cool to live like that ONLY if you stay open and honest about your intentions to the woman you are with. Yes, there are girls that are into the casual scene, but others may get attached if you do not let them know upfront what you are hoping to gain from the experience, if that makes sense. :)

     

    Other than that, have fun and make sure you PROTECT YOURSELF!!! :x:x

    Thanks :)

    I'm not interested in doing it for life, just for a short period of time to get this experience in my bag.

    I don't want to manipulate or damage anybody, I'm interested in trying this out with women who look for casual sex.
    It's against my values to be a liar about sex/relationships.

  6. Posted

    1 hour ago, Spiral said:

    Noting wrong with being sexually active but being a fuckboy is a bit unnecessary and unethical. Just be sexual instead of trying to using romance to get the girl. 

    I don't know what kind of definition of fuccboi you mean. 

    I mean just having casual sex in an honest manner. I'm not interested in using fake romance to get the girls.

    Girls also like casual sex with no emotions attached.

  7. Posted · Edited by billiesimon

    I'm going to embarass myself for the sake of being honest and sincere here.


    I've had some girlfriends in my life, and I'm 29 this year.

    I'm having a deep sexual crisis right now, like some kind of "end-of-twenties crisis".

    I feel like I've only had serious gfs and this is making me feel like I've wasted my youth (of course I'm still young but not super young) on monogamy.
    I see a lot of girls I know as friends who have a lot of casual sex and fuckbuddies and this makes me feel inadequate, because I can clearly see that women have random sex while me, as a young man, am not. Also this reinforces my shadow conflict with the feminine because I feel like they (girls) can have sexual fun and I can't.

    I have this strong ego push to try a period in my life where I'm just the fuckboy (or fuccboi :D). It's very very hardcore, it's keeping me awake at night, while some of my female friends keep on telling me how good they fuck with random people (no judgement of course).

    This is completely ruining me, I truly need to have this "degenerate" period in my life, or I'll continue to feel in competition with women.

    What's your opinion? Is it unhealthy? If women are allowed to do it then I can do it too.

  14. Posted

    21 minutes ago, kingroboto said:

    @Emerald 

    Thank you for the chuckle

    no wonder I've never encountered psychologically healthy women my whole life, they must've smelled me and were circling me from a thousand mile radius this  whole time!!! 

     

    Well. there's a double reason for that.

    The first and most important is that you have your psychological issues to fix. I am fixing mine, and the way that the "feminine world" is responding to me is changing too. When you start to emotionally understand women you will start to attract a more positive feminine vibe. 

    The second reason is that the vast majority of people are indoctrinated by mainstream society, which means that a big percentage of women (and men) are just zombies addicted to gossip, the latest Iphone, and reality shows. The end result is that a lot of women (and again, men) are in the matrix, shallow, superficial, trained by the government to be silent puppies and consume. 

    Regarding projection, I used to think a lot that women were very very fickle and avoidant of commitment. Then I started inquiring and meditating about my behaviours and discovered that in the past I've been VERY fickle and incongruent with women. Things like inviting them to a date and then never actually organizing the details to meet and just disappear. Another thing I used to do was to avoid like hell to show our relationship to my and her friends, because public commitment was scary to me at the time. And so I projected it onto women. By the way after 6-12 months of commitment "in the shadows" these girls all dumped me because of it (now I recognize they were right) and I then had an excuse to play the victim and feel like the "good one" mistreated.

    Now, I've also had legitimate bad experiences but only as a teenager. The experiences up here are more recent, after I developed this damaged persona.

  15. Posted

    18 minutes ago, Nahm said:

    @billiesimon

    The issues you’re working on are the product of resistant thinking, thoughts against the self, manifesting as doubt, and fear. You are wise to face them, and you will be glad you did.

    The meditation should slow those thoughts down, and give you some ‘spaciousness’ to more clearly observe the patterns at play, as well as allow your body some restorative time, and become more aware of awareness in general. 

    That spaciousness, calmness, clarity and openmindedness are the most useful tools for self inquiry. 

    If you are begining self inquiry, consider starting simple. A pen & paper, write down what and or who, you are. I suggest also utilizing google to look into things as you go. Deconstruct what you think you are by being deeply honest, and separating what is a thought or belief, from what is your own direct experience. 

    Do this, just for the doing of this. There’s no incentive, or reward. 

    Also consider, that through this proccess, you will discover things about yourself, and about what you want in this life. Have a dry erase board, or an easel & large pad, or something similar handy to write those things on as they arise. Apps are great, but these things are best written out physically. It will not initially appear so, but you are manifesting, and it is wise to have such things out in the open, where you see them everyday. You might find yourself needing a boost to get going on any particular day, so knowing how to change your state of mind is important too. 

    Happy for you man! 

    Very useful response!

    But what kind of practice would be faster and more effective on killing the most corrupt parts of my ego?
    I'm talking about social anxieties, status anxiety/persona anxiety, weak motivation to biuld my life on some days, a lot of self doubts, and a general under the skin fear of expressing my authenticity.

    Of course also my "nicest" parts are ego, but I want to start by dissolving my worst egoic features. The ones who create fear, anxiety, paralysis in careers, and with socializing.
    What kind of meditation or inquiry would help me the most?

  16. Posted

    I tried both in different months of this year, and I don't know which is better to self actualize.

    My end goal for this stage of my life is to become:
    more motivated
    more productive
    less scared of the future and of "negative consequences"
    more socially free and extrovert
    less pressured by societal judgement
    more enthusiastic about life and less apathetic (I get a lot of apathetic/almost sad days and this makes me suffer a lot)

     

    What should I focus more on to get these social and motivational results? Classic meditation or self inquiry?
    I'm actually afraid that self inquiry might make me even more apathetic and idle about social life (when in fact I really really want to let go of social pressure).

  18. Posted

    Interesting topic.

    In my opinion marriage is a dead institution, which carries on as a scam to rob people of money and to run corrupt government departments.

    I know it's also my ego, but I generally feel disgust towards marriage, because the act of signing a contract ABOUT MONEY when talking about love is the epitome of corruption and self interest.

    If you really love someone, just go live together. 

    You don't need a paper that assures you that you'll rob the other person of their money.
    Nature doesn't need marriage. Just go live together and build a nice happy life with your emotional commitment. Keep the government out of my fucking private love life.

  19. Posted

    8 minutes ago, kingroboto said:

    Bro, white knight much?

    :D:D:D

    I came here the first time in the forum with some negative beliefs about women, based on negative experiences and some pessimistic political articles.

    At least when I was similar to you I came here with humility and willingness to learn. I decided to question my default victim mentality and start to open myself up to the woman's experience.

    For the last time: don't hold onto your ego. Listen to @Emerald, who's dedicated to this area of self help.

    I really appreciate what she did here on the forum to heal the feminine side of men. Now the power of healing yourself is up to you. Notice also how your ego claims to be "self actualizing" while you are in fact debating the people who already dealt with this problem you have o.O we're trying to help you.

  20. Posted

    On 3/9/2018 at 0:26 AM, kingroboto said:

    @Emerald if you want my opinion you should value your time more and not be posting essay long responses on message boards which ultimately wont change anything. You are trying to reverse the flow of a river by paddling it with your hands. I'm not going to respect the opinion of someone who doesn't value their own time. Go be a mother and a wife. I think that will have more positive effect on the world

    Bro, calm down.

    She's just trying to help you.
    I can feel all your sadness in your posts. I was in a similar position two years ago, but not so deep luckily. You feel rejected by the feminine energy and you crave the soft emotions that they give you. You have to accept this. It's not a loser thing. You have to embrace the neediness and then do the necessary work to remove it. The first step is becoming aware of the moments where you project evil onto women.

    This woman is an example of a woman you would appreciate, because she is giving you what you want: empathy and a way out of your sadness. 
    Notice that you are resisting her and thus creating this false reality where she is just "another female enemy". When in fact she's the opposite. Become aware of the fear of the opposite sex and release it.

  21. Posted

    Hey girls. I'm trying to better understand women and how they feel and perceive their own sexual and relational worlds.

    Since I have my own view, which is of course shaped by me being a young man and being hurt in the past by some girls, I need to hear directly from women what some experiences are for them, to really understand them and reconcile myself with some shadows I have had.

    What about relationships vs casual sex? I've been shocked years ago by discovering that a lot of girls I knew were only interested in casual sex (this because I tend to prefer relationships). Now I'm openminded about that and I don't judge, but I'd like to hear your own feelings about it.

     

    Do you find more satisfaction and magnetic attraction towards casual sex/seeing different men/casual dating or towards a passionate close relationship?

    The stereotype is of course "girls want closeness" but in some of my experiences I've seen a lot of girls just casually dating with low interest in love. But I'm not judjing, just asking :) share what you feel

  24. Posted

    I know I'm late with this "scandal" about Teal Swan, since she discussed it in autumn 2017 :D but I discovered it just these days.
    And it firstly shocked me, then horrified me, then made me guess my comprehension of the world, then made me investigate more, then made me comfortable and content again. And I learned a lot about reality and about our collective minds. 
    Here's what I learned.

    This is the video where she responds to a tornado of hateful and skeptical videos or articles

    Here's how my mind opened up a lot by questioning this controversy:

    1. Let's start by saying that I like Teal's work, especially the shadow/emotional work. When I discovered this controversy the first reaction I had was "it's just envy! these people can't understand the effort and dedication that Teal is putting in her job! They are disgusting!"
    And I was triggered HARD, man.... Really hard.... I reacted because of fanboy-mentality.

    2. I decided to investigate the allegations of scam/fakeness/greediness with a somehow open mind, even though it was painful to give up some of my "ideological ego" to do this. 

    3. A lot of allegations, provided with facts and citations, seemed very consistent and when I went to verify them, they were factually true! At this point a felt a very depressing and devastating feeling inside me. "what if all the people that have helped me to change my old sad and hopeless life were fake? what does this mean? why can't there just be authentic people out there? why would she do that?" This was very painful and the only thing that remained to me was to investigate more.

    4. I started to feel some kind of repulsion towards her figure, and this kind of "gut feeling" started to develop inside me, becoming "my tryth" (a term that, honestly, is just BS). I felt like I had to REALLY distance myself from her teachings and philosophy. This became completely real to me. She was fake. No doubts about it.

    5. My first instinct was just to leave all this matter alone and forget about it and forget about her teachings. Then I read in an article about her that she made a response video). My gut feeling told me to leave it alone and just recover from the false teachings.

    6. And then Leo's video about radical openmindedness struck me like a thunder. The same open mind who got you to investigate the scandal should also make you investigate the response she made. It felt painful but I decided to look it up, even though I was skeptical as fuck.

    7. The video struck me like a second "scandal". I went full circle.
    Teal completely, rationally, logically, systemically, demolished all of the allegations (watch the video and you will see) and didn't fall in the trap of bashing her haters. She just honestly explained her work and her choices in life.

    That's just it. She just explained it in a very honest and neutral way. I was sooooo shocked. 

    Not by the video.
    But by my mind.

    My mind completely fucked my up, believing in random allegations with an emotional and hysterical feel to it.
    And my mind fell to the superficial explanations of these detractors.

    This made my mind more open to this shocking reality:

    Our mind is so fragile, and weak, and blind. Our minds lurk in the absolute darkness of ignorance, mob thinking, gossip, idolization, and demonization.
    Teal is not a guru, she's just a woman on the path of self discovery, helping others to do it too. And all the people criticizing her so harshly because of scattered facts with NO context.... are just trapped by their own egos (envy? fear?), thus projecting negative traits onto her. But at the same time they are just humans, with positive traits too! They should not be demonized either. 

    This is how we start fighting eachother. This is how we create drama and emotional pain.
    This is how MY mind works and how I deceived MYSELF all my life.
    This means that my mind is ALWAYS in the darkness. We are all swimming in darkness, following ideologies, following the BS that our friend tell us, following the lies that we tell ourselves too.

    This made me realize that we don't know. Period. We don't even know that we don't know.

  25. Posted

    1 hour ago, Zweistein said:

    Hmm, interesting - why did you think you need to help me? :ph34r:

     

    Oh god help me.

    Why are you being confrontational?

    I just gave a nice suggestion to be free and to not be intimidated by old outdated XVIII century traditions.

    Do I really need to explain? Let's do it.

    We live in the third millennium, we are not in a traditionalist era. We all have te same civil rights. I completely understand that you can be paranoid about some behaviours. I'm a paranoid person too. So I was just trying to cheer you up, because you CAN live a fullfilling life nowadays and I want you to.

    it was out of empathy for your paranoid tendencies, since I have some too. It's not because I'm an evil patriarch with a slavery business.

    God dammit.

    Be happy, be free. I don't need to cheer you up. I just like motivating people out of empathy.

    ¬¬